August 05, 2016
The Department of Licenses and inspections warns Philadelphians against making swimming pools out of dumpsters, saying it’s a waste of valuable water. “Also, you’re swimming in a dumpster. That is categorically disgusting.”
Two elevator accidents occur at the Criminal Justice Center on the same day, injuring two people. But all of their licenses and inspections are in order, so these elevators are safe.
Residents of East Falls say their neighbor, who has frequently been observed naked and screaming in front of his house, has become a nuisance. “Sorry about that,” says PhillyVoice writer Brian Hickey.
Former Philly mob boss “Skinny Joey” Merlino is arrested at his Florida home for gambling, loan sharking, extortion, medical insurance fraud and untaxed cigarettes. “They just hate me cause I’m so skinny,” he says, twirling. "Anyway. I guess it's back to jail for me!"
SEPTA says its Regional Rail service will return to normal in October. Or November, if it rains.
A North Philadelphia man uploads a video onto Youtube which he says shows a UFO flying overhead. Meanwhile, on AlienTube, a Martian uploads footage of what he claims is a bunch of humans drinking PBR in a dumpster pool.
A South Jersey woman files a lawsuit against an animal shelter that euthanized her cat Moe just hours after taking it in, even though it had an ID microchip. The shelter did issue an official apology: “Yeah, oh man. Sorry. Sometimes you get so caught up in euthanizin’, you just don’t want to stop, you know? I hope you take some comfort in knowing that little Moe was tossed humanely into the grinder out back, and her remains were used to feed some of the dozens of possums we’re caring for while trying to find them a ‘furever’ home. Peace.”
A South Jersey man receives two obituaries in a local newspaper, one submitted by his wife and the other submitted by his girlfriend. See, now we’re gonna need an autopsy.
A new report by the nonprofit Center for Neighborhood Technology (CNT) says Philadelphia could cut its poverty by 25 percent by reducing the daily expenses of its residents like transportation and utility costs. “Our next study is about how poor people should also try to not have to pay for rent or food,” says a spokesperson for the CNT. “We are a worthless, pointless little organization.”
PennDOT launches an online survey to gather input from motorists on a variety of topics. Those topics included “How much do you hate us?” “Do our field offices still smell like urine?” and “We can’t even figure out why we’re doing this since we know what you’re going to say and it really hurts our feelings. It’s just a job. We’re just like you, working to provide for our families. Please, just say something nice about us. Anything would be better than the stuff we hear all day, every day."
According to a new report by the National Insurance Crime Bureau, the most stolen cars in Pennsylvania last year were the 1997 Honda Accord and the 1998 Honda Civic. According to a new report from National People With Dignity Bureau, the Accord and Civic were also named the best cars to have stolen from you in Pennsylvania last year.
