January 12, 2018

Take a sneak peek at what’s in store for show biz in 2018

‘Above average’ seer shares visions of the rich and famous

That's Show Biz Predictions
Horoscope PA Images/Sipa USA

What's in store for 2018? Read on for our columnist's satirical take on the months to come.

The arrival of a new year motivated me to reach out to the all-knowing, all-seeing show business prognosticator, The Not Great, But Well Above Average, Darini, who specializes in show business predictions.

At first, Darini was reluctant to share his gifts with us. But when I whispered those four magic words, “No statue of limitations,” the Swami had a sudden change of heart and agreed to consult the spirits (and non-alcoholic beverages as well) to ascertain what we can expect to happen in the Business of Show the next 11-plus months. Herewith is what he divined:

January: Steven Speilberg and Harrison Ford begin production on the next “Raiders Of the Lost Ark” sequel, “Indiana Jones and the Prostate of Doom.”

February: NBC debuts its newest game show, “Are You Smarter than the President?”

March: This year’s “In Memoriam” segment at the Academy Awards ceremony is dedicated not to deceased individuals, but to those careers that were killed by the sexual harassment scandals.

April: TMZ head honcho Harvey Levin suffers a life-threatening stroke after his daily TV show goes three consecutive days without mentioning Kim Kardashian, Beyonce or Harvey Weinstein. “He couldn’t handle the strain,” says an unidentified TMZ staff member. “It was just too great a shock to his system.”

May: In keeping with the trend of reviving TV shows of the past, Fox greenlights 13 episodes of “My Sperm Donor the Car,” an update of “My Mother the Car” starring Matt LeBlanc as the voice of a 2007 Toyota Camry, and Selena Gomez as the owner, a young woman whose parents are two women played by Margaret Cho and Jon Cryer in drag.

June: Louis CK launches his comeback attempt by starring as Tevye in a production of “Fiddler On the Roof” at a Springfield, Mo. Dinner theater.

July: Steve Bannon returns to Hollywood to produce an all-white version of “Porgy and Bess” starring Hugh Jackman as Porgy and Kristen Chenoweth as Bess. A leaked clip of Jackman singing an update of “Bess, You Is My Woman Now” (“Bess, You Are Presently My Significant Other”) is leaked and goes viral.

August: Lin-Manuel Miranda announces his next Broadway project, a bluegrass musical called, “Sessions,” based on the life of Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Songs include “I Am Not A Keebler Elf,” “Put the Bong Down” and “All the Way with the KKK.”

September: Judd Apatow issues a press release stating that at the direction of his doctor, he is cutting back his workload to 18 projects a month.

October: CBS orders 22 episodes of the drama, “Chicago Trash,” a penetrating, ripped-from-the-headlines look at garbage collectors in the Windy City.

November: The Rolling Stones begin their “Early Bird Tour” of Florida condos. The set list includes “Brown Sweater,” “Get Off My Lawn," "You Can't Always Remember What You Want," "Sympathy for the Proctologist” and “Can’t You Hear Me Wheezing?”

December: ABC airs “A Mar-Y-Lago Christmas” starring Donald Trump, his family and administration officials. Highlights include Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke singing “All I Want for Christmas is Drilling in the Grand Canyon,” Donald Trump Jr. performing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Oligarch” and a live Nativity scene featuring the president as the “Stable Genius.”

Happy New Year!

Chuck Darrow is a veteran entertainment columnist and critic. Listen to “That’s Show Biz with Chuck Darrow” 3 p.m. Tuesdays on WWDB-AM (860), WWDBAM.com, iTunes, IHeartRadio, and TuneInRadio.

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