June 03, 2016
A South Philly stretch of Columbus Boulevard is renamed to honor William “Wild Bill” Guarnere and Edward “Babe” Heffron, World War II veterans depicted in HBO’s “Band of Brothers.” Next month, the Frank Rizzo mural will be rededicated to Hodor.
Pennsylvania legislators are working on “clean slate” measures that would seal the criminal records of non-violent offenders. “It’s the ultimate tool for a master thief with a record, Selina Kyle,” says state Sen. Anthony Hardy Williams. “And I’ll give it to you once you lead me to Bane.”
A water main break causes delays at Suburban Station. Stranded commuters say it was a small price to pay for seeing a topless Ed Rendell cannonball into the Track 3 pool.
The Piazza in Northern Liberties rebrands itself Schmidt’s Commons. “But you can still bang behind the dumpsters,” says the ghost of Heinrich Adolphus Schmidt, who is kind of a perv.
Philadelphia City Council President Darrell Clarke has been repeatedly tweeted at by soccer fans in the U.K. because he has the same name as the coach of the Bristol Rovers. “Oh roight, ’e’s the wankuh who proposed the feckin’ tweaks to Mayor Kenney’s fizzy-wizzle fanny tax, ain’t ’e?"
Philly’s “King of Porn” Richard Cohen, founder of Hotmovies.com, puts his five-bedroom Society Hill mansion on sale for $6.88 million. “But I’m willing to go as low as $4.5 million if we can forgo the black-light inspection.”
Thrillist ranks Philly the angriest city in America. We’re not taking the bait, Thrillist. Peace is the path. The barking dog does no harm to the moon. He who smelt it, dealt it.
A new commercial by South Philly restaurant Steak ’Em Up stars Philly Jesus. “I’m not sure what you’re waiting for,” the real Jesus says to Ric Ocasek. “I’m ready to file a lawsuit right now.”
According to a new study conducted by a professor at Widener University, gay and lesbian sex has doubled since 1990. “And most people prefer to be on top,” says a professor from Rider.
