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August 16, 2016

A bunch of animals not having a good time in Hieronymus Bosch’s ‘The Garden of Earthly Delights’

Art Paintings
main_bosch Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'This is not where I thought my life was heading,' says the fish.

There’s a new documentary at the Ritz at the Bourse about medieval Dutch painter Hieronymus Bosch and his masterwork, "The Garden of Earthly Delights," and it’s got some of us around here pretty excited. If you’ve never seen it before, the painting is completely bonkers — a triptych of heaven, Earth and hell populated by naked people, bizarre architecture and insane animals:

Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

The Garden of Earthly Delights' by Hieronymus Bosch, in its entirety.


It’s the animals that really freak us out. Some have no arms. Some have too many arms. Several of these poor creatures appear to be the result of genetic experimentation. And a lot of them seem to be having a bad time.

Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

When this many naked people are out to get you, it feels personal.


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'I would not mind hauling this dude around so much if he would just shut up and enjoy the ride,' thinks the centi-lizard. 'I should not have to listen to him blather on about Benghazi. This is not an Uber.'


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'I cannot wait until pants are invented,' says the uni-kitten.


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'You might be thinking, 'Right on, an ice-skating platy-penguin!' But I'm an archer with no arms. How's that supposed to work? I can't even take my skates off.'

Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'I also have no arms,' says the frog. 'Your torment fills me with glee,' says the ratcrobat.


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

The dragongiraffe looks down on the two-legged dog and feels nothing.


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

Who do you pity most in this scene? The scowling mole in the doily hat? The naked lady burning her own elbow? To me, the saddest creature is duck-lizard with the drum hat and boob stomach, trying to keep his backgammon board level during the orgy.


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'I am going to drag you away by your tail, chubby frog,' says the human. 'Why do I even have a tail?' wonders the chubby frog.


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'Life sure is funny sometimes,' says the handsy pig nun.'Can't say I agree with you,' says the heron knight. 'Also: Whose foot is this?'


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'I am freaking out, man.'


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'Please buy my artisanal Splenda recipe on Etsy,' says the hipster owl.


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'Right now, two people are fornicating in my mouth. I am pretty much all mouth.'


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'Am I the only one taking this band seriously?' yells the drummer.


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

DirecTV's salesdogs make another sale.


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

'So I am just supposed to gnaw on his face?' asks the rat. 'I am sorry, it is my first day here at the Ministry of Love, and I want to do a good job.'


Hieronymus Bosch/for PhillyVoice

Mer-duck just cannot seem to concentrate, and book club is tomorrow!


To view "The Garden of Earthly Delights" in excruciating, cracked-paint detail, check out this amazing website. It was created by the makers of the film "Hieronymus Bosch, Touched by the Devil."


"Hieronymus Bosch: Touched by the Devil"

Now playing
$7-$10
Landmark’s Ritz at the Bourse Cinema 
400 Ranstead St.

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