August 13, 2019
I have gone into the future and seen the results of the Sixers' upcoming 2019-20 season, and I have returned to tell you what happened through mid-April.
The following is a thinly-detailed recap of what will take place. Please note — I am not liable for any decisions you choose to make based on these results, be they gambling or otherwise.
It would not be the start of a Sixers season without a loss to the Celtics that infuriated everyone in Philadelphia. At least one local radio host will opine that Brett Brown should be replaced with a coach who can beat Boston. The name Jason Kidd is mentioned too many times (once).
I will believe the Sixers win a game in Portland when I see it.
After a series of cryptic tweets from Markelle Fultz causes a stir earlier in the week, he watches from Disney's Grand Floridian Resort as Nikola Vucevic's game-winner beats his former team on the second night of a back-to-back.
Embiid is definitely sitting this game so he can play Butler and the Heat the next night.
The Sixers, led by an Al Horford revenge game (14 points, eight rebounds, seven assists), get an early win in Boston for the first time in a while.
Kyrie Irving is dropping 40+ on the Sixers at least once this year.
After a win in the first meeting with Butler, a more subdued Wells Fargo Center crowd shows up this time, Butler goes off, several people write, "Was it a mistake to let him go?" columns.
During his postgame session with the media, Butler says, "To tell you the truth, tonight was just another game to me" as he listens to Jason Aldean by his locker.
Three straight losses prompt the first* national discussion of Brett Brown's job security of the season.
(*Note: The first local discussion, of course, will come the moment they lose the opener to the Celtics.)
Losing the game in Orlando after the Christmas win over Milwaukee is reasonably likely. Losing a back-to-back against the Heat after a third of the team is at Story in Miami until 5 a.m. Saturday morning is the lock of the century.
Joel Embiid is ejected late from this game for taunting Russell Westbrook. After the game, he uses the location tag "Brick City" to accompany his celebratory Instagram.
After ripping off nine straight wins, including two national TV destructions of the Lakers and Warriors at home, Stephen A. Smith calls the Sixers his pick to "take home the NBA championship, Max Kellerman" on Wednesday's episode of First Take.
The Sixers promptly lose their next game to Atlanta and get demolished by the Miami Heat on the road the Monday following the Super Bowl.
Skip Bayless saunters into the Fox Sports offices on Tuesday morning, ready to paint his Mona Lisa.
"Shannon, not only did Jimmy Butler make the right long-term decision to leave Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid, I believe the Miami Heat will go further in the playoffs than the Sixers this season!"
Kawhi Leonard puts Ben Simmons in the torture chamber for the entirety of a Sunday showcase game, prompting the most insufferable Monday morning discussion of the season.
There's not a chance in hell they win in Sacramento in a stretch bookended by the Lakers and Warriors games.
The annual, "March basketball sucks and they have to lose to one of these terrible teams" game.
I originally had this as a loss and a 60-point game for Devin Booker, but they will almost certainly be openly tanking by this point in the year, so he'll probably be on the sideline wondering whether he should hire Rich Paul as his agent.
Emotions are running high after a late-season win over the Bucks, with the race for the No. 1 seed still up for grabs. DeMar DeRozan brings them back down to earth when he makes 23 straight mid-range shots with a hand in his face.
A road back-to-back in the final week of the season is just asking for the Sixers to punt this game.
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