December 29, 2016
Bristol Palin has a sad.
She also has an angry.
So, the daughter of a former Alaska governor and 26-year-old co-author of a memoir took to her blog to share both sentiments in a rant against those mean singers and performers who’ve declined to perform at Donald Trump’s crowning ceremony next month.
Her “11 A-list artists that refused to perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration” post went live on Wednesday.
I read it so you don’t have to.
I also distilled it down to a classic line about each of those performers who decided against singing for someone they don’t support politically. Here are the highlights!
Elton John: “Elton delivered a jab at American country music, too, which is surprising considering he stole all their rhinestone outfits.”
Celine Dion: “Las Vegas hotel mogul and friend of Trump Steve Wynn was initially alleged to be the one who promised Celine’s appearance, but that turned out not to be true.”
Andrea Bocelli: “Sources say Trump encouraged him to back out so he wouldn’t lose fans.”
The Chainsmokers: “Don’t worry; I’ve never heard of them either, but this DJ duo isn’t performing at the inauguration even though they joked about it on Twitter.”
ROFLMAO, GET IT, THEY’RE NOBODIES LOLOLOLOLOL.
Garth Brooks: “Brooks and his wife, fellow country legend Trisha Yearwood, had no problem singing for President Obama at this year’s Christmas tree lighting celebration.”
Hmm, maybe that in and of itself explains a lot, Bristol.
Justin Timberlake, Bruno Mars, Katy Perry, Aretha Franklin: “These four mega-stars were apparently offered ambassadorships as a way to entice them to the inauguration, but even that wasn’t enough to lure them in.”
David Foster: “It was rumored that Foster was going to organize the whole thing, but he said that’s not the case.”
Losing steam here, BP. There’s no shame in doing a post that lists just five A-listers. Yes, it would’ve hurt your “continue to next page” hit accumulation, but sometimes, writers have to make serious sacrifices to protect their craft. You know, like I didn’t do in deciding to do a post about your post.
KISS: “Trump has always had a larger-than-life persona and paired with Kiss’s explosive stage show would’ve been a match made in heaven.”
Yes, overrated, self-important mediocrity masked behind a painted-on persona. Truly a match made in heaven. Nailed it.
Anyway, enjoy Ted Nugent ranting his way into “Strangehold” after a reality-show runner-up teenybopper sings the national anthem before Trump’s sworn-in, hand on a copy of “Art of the Deal.” If you don’t see the poetic justice in this, you will soon enough.
If you find you're still worried about this, though, ask your mom to holler across the Bering Strait to see if t.A.T.u. or Pussy Riot is available to perform. Now, THAT would be a match made in geopolitically accurate heaven.