July 16, 2017
There are very few things you can't find on Craigslist, and then there are things you can only find on Craigslist.
Meet Joel Embiid—the balloon animal, not the Sixers' foul-mouthed star center.
About a month ago, a Craigslist post appeared on the barter page of the Philadelphia site with a zip code in Ardmore. The unidentified author of the post describes himself as a "balloon prodigy" who seems to do all of this for fun.
"I can make literally anything out of balloons," the author wrote. "Ridiculous giant balloon sculptures are great for parties, as a gift or just to leave on someone's porch as a weird and confusing joke. I left a 5 foot T. rex in the first unlocked car I could find and I still laugh about it every day."
A life-sized Joell Embiid would measure in at 7'0''. It's understandable, given the considerable risk of him popping, that he couldn't be stuffed into a random unlocked car.
The author of the Craigslist post goes on to explain the kind of transaction he's seeking:
Lifesized balloon sculptures take all day to make and can run into the thousands of dollars from party companies most of whom don't offer anything so customizable to begin with. I am looking to trade for tools. I got bored with balloons and am moving on to make things out of wood. I can also always use building materials and useful things to keep my shop running well or just anything very interesting. I am not looking for money, some people actually do this for a career and I don't want to take a paying job from them.
If you want balloon animal Embiid, the author recommends offering up a jointer or planer, a miter saw, a better miter gauge for his table saw, an impact driver, router bits and accessories, or an oscillating multi-tool. Some combination of these tools should be enough to seal the deal. You don't have to be Sam Hinkie to figure this out.
Then again, the post has been up there for a month at this point. There have apparently been no takers. Are we to believe balloon animal Embiid is still in peak physical form and suffering not from deflation? We've reached out to the creator of this monstrosity and will provide an update if he or she comes forward with new information.