I’ve had some bad luck insofar as scoring poop-related exclusives of late.
I know, I know, you want to comment something along the lines of, “Hey Hickey, everything you write is poop. Roflmao.” That’s fine. I leave myself open for such pithy comments. Sometimes, however, the craft requires writers do so in pursuit of a story.
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Today, specifically, I had hoped to interview a gentleman by the name of Henry George Weaver of New Tripoli, Lehigh County. He’s been dragged through the proverbial mud in recent days on account of allegations leveled by the Pennsylvania State Police and a very unfortunate alleged victim.
The details of what happened around 8:45 a.m. Friday at Routes 100 and 309 in the Pleasant Corners section of Heidelberg Township – population 3,416 – are limited.
"The accused and the victim got into a road rage argument, leading the accused to defecate on the victim," is what a State Police news release reportedly said of a matter that led to a harassment charge.
And that is all we know, which is why I was rather upset that the phone numbers listed online for Mr. Weaver led to a “disconnected” recording. I had hoped to share with you, dear readers, more insight as to what led to the conflict. Alas, unless someone else had better luck, we’ll await ansubsequent court hearings for further details.
In lieu of that, I’ve instead compiled a list of Great Moments in Poop-Related News History because crazy stories deserve all the attention they can get (And, no, the case of the late "Uncle" Eddie Savitz does not qualify. We're trying to keep things light here.)
THE BROAD STREET HORSE-POOP EATER
Remember when the Eagles won the Super Bowl in February? And how fans flooded the streets of Philadelphia to celebrate the momentous occasion? Yeah, me too. As part of that celebration, a video of an Eagles fan literally ate horse poop off the ground.
For months, I tried to track him down for an interview and had received multiple tips that all led to the same name. After knocking on doors in South Jersey and Berks County, I’m pretty sure I had my guy. But via a sternly worded text message the guy who may or may not have been the horse-poop eater offered no cooperation.
If you're so inclined to view it, here is troubling video of the disgusting feat:
THE WEGMAN'S POOP SMEARERS
In June 2017, two young men were arrested after allegedly spreading poop throughout “the entire restroom” at a Wegman’s store in Lower Nazareth Township. And, according to a news release, it was “not the first time that both males have spread fecal matter throughout various store bathrooms.” Per court records, disorderly conduct (hazardous) charges were withdrawn while criminal-mischief charges held strong.
WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME
To hear how Upper Darby Police told it in December 2014, a gentleman by the name of Carlen Higgs strolled into the department, sat down in the lobby, lit a joint, stripped naked, pooped on the floor and wiped it on the walls. He was taken to a mental-health facility because, well, did you read that last sentence? Disorderly conduct and public drunkenness charges were later dropped; drug possession charges were not.
UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY
Jacinda Cambray turned 16 back in May 2015. As such, family and friends got together for a nice birthday party in Levittown, Bucks County. Things were going well until poop rained down from the skies (likely from an airplane). Said Jacinda’s stepdad’s sister Kristie Rogy at the time, “We just got done with cake. Thank God. We took the cake back in, because within two minutes, something fell from the sky. It was brown, it was everywhere, it got on everything.” Thank God, indeed.
'EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA'
Brian Johnson, a professional wrestler from South Philadelphia reached out to police last March via Twitter with an interesting question: “What do I do with video evidence of a man pooping on my sidewalk?” That's something you hope you never have to contemplate, but Johnson was forced to do so.
He then shared said video evidence online:
We reached out to Johnson in the aftermath of the incident. Here’s what he said:
"Everyone's laughing about it and at first, I was thinking, 'NO! Someone pooped on my sidewalk! Now I just laugh about it, too. Whatever. He probably had nowhere else he could go. It looks like someone shoveled it up. We didn't pick it up. That was s**t. I wasn't touching it!"
BAD SUPERINTENDENT!
One month ago, Thomas Tramaglini – superintendent of Kenilworth (N.J.) Public Schools – was charged with lewdness, littering and defecating in public for allegedly (regularly) pooping near the track and football field of a nearby high school. Go Bears!
SHOW SOME CLASS, BUNNIES
Last summer, residents of Longport spoke out about a public-health concern. It seemed that rabbits were running rampant in their beachfront oasis, and said rabbits left trails of poop as far as the eye could see. This was more than a quirky story, but one that got a rescue dog very sick.
Said one resident of nine-year-old black lab Midnight, “She got very sick Memorial Day weekend and had to be quarantined for eight days, got six transfusions, her immune system broke down. She’s starting to do better now, but this could have been tragic. I can’t say I know that (eating rabbit poop) was the cause, but I can’t say that I know it wasn’t. We almost lost our companion.”
I LOVE MY ALMA MATER
Haddon Township High School was a wonderful place to spend my formative teenage years. Long after I graduated, however, it devolved into a place where poop was wielded as a prank AND message.
First came 2010, when a 17-year-old student admitted he’d pooped in a classmate’s soda during auto-shop class. (He’d admit to his actions and have to write a 1,000-word report on “why it’s unhealthy to ingest fecal matter.)
Then, in 2013, athletic director Alan Carr was caught on camera allegedly placing dog poop on his ex-wife’s car. He’d later get his job back.
Go Hawks. SQWAWK!
YEAH, IMA JUST CALL UBER
It was a Friday the 13th in July 2012 when a cab driver pulled over in the 1800 block of Bainbridge Street and took a poop on the sidewalk. The act was captured by surveillance cameras.
Said the resident to NBC10, "It's funny if it wasn't so disgusting. I mean, who does that?"