April 10, 2016
Making it through another long and arduous MLB season can be tough on baseball fans when experts predict your beloved team will be lucky to win 70 games. The rebuilding Philadelphia Phillies jumped out to an unsurprising 0-4 start this year, their worst since 2006, and that means we all need to brace ourselves for the growing pains of a franchise in transition.
Since it's best to laugh when you really want to cry, New York-based comedian Dan Moore has spent the better part of the last year consoling Phillies fans on Tumblr with his utterly NSFW Philadelphia Sports Fan Fiction site, a collection of erotic tales spun out of the day-to-day grind of your Fightin' Phils.
In an interview with Mashable, Moore said the concept is intended to turn sports stereotypes on their head.
"I think this stuff is funny when people write it about anime or Harry Potter but I watch way more Philadelphia sports unfortunately than those other things," Moore tells Mashable. "So, I wanted to write weird sex stuff about the oppressively macho and conservative world of sports instead."
What can you expect to find there? At the start of each story, Moore provides a dramatis personae and then dives into a mixture of stat lines and improbably gross scenarios involving Philly sports stars in various states of demeaning courtship and consummation.
The only useable excerpt here comes from the Phillies 6-2 loss to the Cinicinatti Reds on opening day. In it, Freddy Galvis falls in love with a baseball.
“BABABOOM” said the ball as it flew off of Freddy Galvis’s (.286/.286/.857) bat in a home run-like pose! Freddy Galvis said “goodbye ball, thank you for being part of my home run.” The ball turned around and Freddy Galvis was surprised to see the ball had a face. And it was not just any face, it was the face of a beautiful exotic woman.
“No problem, Freddy, I want to make love to you,” said the ball seductively, like the hot rabbit in that movie. I forget what movie but there’s this movie that has a character who is a rabbit but god she is hot.
For your entertainment, Moore has pledged to produce a story for each of the Phillies' 162 games, which could get downright sultry once we hit the dog days of summer and we have the Jonathan Papelbons of the world coming to Citizens Bank Park.
Come September, we can only hope that this activity gets carried over to the Eagles, even if we're down a Spray Tan for fodder.