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March 17, 2019

The Little Eagles That Could: A Children's Book

Eagles NFL
030719ChildrensBookCover Jimmy Kempski/PhillyVoice

The Little Eagles That Could

Those hateable losers, the Eagles from Philly, 

Could they win it all? No, stop being silly.

Their rivals from Dallas, D.C. and New York,

All laughed at the city of steaks and roast pork.


The Birds tried their best to realize their goal,

Of finally winning a damn Super Bowl.

But try as they might, they could not pull the trick,

Not with Andy, or Buddy, or Chip, Ray, or Dick.

So who did they turn to? A goofball named Doug,

Who was chastised by pundits, conceited and smug. 

A man named Lombardi, so rude and so mean,

Said that Doug was the worst coach that he'd ever seen.


The fans of the Eagles were beginning to whine,

After two straight seasons at seven and nine.

The losing was starting to feel boring and tired,

Another bad season, and Doug would be fired.

The players themselves were getting perturbed,

At the faults and the foibles reporters observed.

Long and Sproles and Celek were old,

And Nick Foles would often get overly cold.


Corey Clement was slow, couldn't get himself loose,

And ol' Lane Johnson couldn't lay off the juice.

Torrey and Malcolm can't catch the ball,

And Carson Wentz went to a school that was small.

The offense was dull, had no variety,

While big Brandon Brooks had to deal with anxiety.

Then there was Nigel, out with the fellas,

Arrested for what?!? Guns and umbrellas?


Big V, and Wis, and Vinny all stink,

And Kendricks was trading his way to the clink. 

Mills and Darby and P-Rob can't cover,

And Nelson was clubbing, non-paying a lover.


Jason Peters was done, he'd lost his cachet,

Jay Ajayi's knees were made of paper mâché.

Alshon had no speed, he'd be left in the dust,

Brandon Graham's career was labeled a bust.

This roster was thought to be riddled with clunkers,

Howie Roseman might vanish, back to his bunker.

Standing at his pulpit, Kelce would soon scream,

Not once but twice, it's the whole f****** team.


But this season was different, the Birds thought that they could,

When Jake hit a long kick, and Merrill screamed "Goooood!"

These dominant Eagles were hitting their stride,

Celebrating their wins, with the Electric Slide.


They blew out Denver, Chicago, and Dallas,

But soon they would need the man known for his phallus.


It was looking like Philly might go all the way,

'Til disaster struck, at a game in L.A.

Wentz's knee took a blow, between two defenders,

Is he hurt? What's this mean for these plucky contenders?

The results came back, a torn ACL,

Surely this marked the Eagles' death knell.

With Wentz on the shelf, it was hard to find reason,

How his backup Nick Foles, could save the Birds' season.

It would have been easy for the team to just quit,

Considering Foles was playing like shit.

A loss in round one to the team from Atlanta,

And Foles might get pelted, just like poor old Santa.

The Falcons were driving, amid nervous groans,

But a pass went awry to Julio Jones.

The Eagles advanced, and hope had some glimmer,

Their next opponent? A curmudgeon named Zimmer.

Fans of the Vikings got overly cocky,

When they did their Skol chant in the presence of Rocky.


The offense had fun, they ran a flea-flicker,

And the fans kept warm, by drinking their liquor.

It was never a game, the Birds stepped on their souls,

The Eagles had won, so go grease the poles.


They were in the big game, but their mission unfinished,

A loss and their triumphs would be surely diminished.

They came this far without Wentz, Hicks, and Peters,

The only team in their way, the scumbag cheaters.

Doug pee

The Patriots' titles were certainly shady,

Led by a man by the name of Tom Brady.

Tommy Terrific deflated his balls,

While the man with the hoodie filmed some play calls.

The Hoodie had been to the big game so often,

The Eagles should die and lay in a coffin.

The fans of New England all would agree,

That Doug would be scared, lose control of his pee.

The dynasty Pats were the cream of the crop,

The Eagles in big games, would certainly flop.

Bob Kraft had a title that he was defending,

But this night would not be such a nice happy ending.

The Pats had their stars and their trophies, and schemes,

But the Eagles were driven by Nightmares and Dreams.

The Hoodie had a scowl that was so awfully chilly, 

But Nick calmly asked Doug, 'You want Philly Philly?'


In the game's big moment, what trick play would they hatch?

A pass to Nick Foles! Unlike Tom, he can catch.

With one chance left, Tom made us all wary,

But his pass hit the turf, unanswered Hail Mary.

The city converged, for once all united,

Black, white, or green, all were delighted.

From shoulderpads guy, to mascots named Swoop,

From Meek Mill to Lurie, to the guy who ate poop.


These underdog Eagles defied all the odds,

They'll forever be treated like conquering gods.

Now that they've won, what will they be eating?

It's time for some ice cream, and Doug will be treating.

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