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August 19, 2016

That Happened: Kathleen Kane, Diner en Blanc, courting millennials and the rest of the week in review

The School District revises its Student Code of Conduct to eliminate suspensions for misbehaving kindergarteners.

“Thanks to the soda tax, we were able to install our own facilities for dealing with kids who act up,” says administrator. “Why yes, it is a boiler room full of clowns. Creepy, creepy clowns.”

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According to the Inquirer, District Attorney Seth Williams has received $160,050 in previously undisclosed gifts over a five-year stretch.

“But the best gifts are the ones you give yourself,” says Williams. “You know, via civil forfeiture.”

Weed activist Nikki Poe Allen says Philadelphia should build a cannabis community center.

“Out of Twix, if possible.”

A Pennsylvania pizzeria and hospital are sued after a girl became ill when she ate a menu item falsely advertised as gluten-free two years ago.

“Just doing my job. Survival of the fittest and all that,” says Mother Nature, putting her cigarette out on a brick wall. “So the kid pulled through. Good for her.”

City Controller Alan Butkovitz accuses former Mayor Michael Nutter of using proceeds from the Philadelphia Marathon for hotels, trips and shoes.

“I’m outraged that someone would try to exploit such a noble race for his own gain,” says one runner. “I mean, I run in the marathon every year and… I’m pretty happy with my time this year. It was so tiring but so worth it. I just had to push through. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hustle over to that traffic island, put a couple fingers on my neck and look at my watch for awhile.”

Former Mayor Nutter calls Butkovitz “a liar, a snake and a hypocrite,” and insists all expenses were approved.

Then he launched into a somber, a cappella version of “Rapper’s Delight” until the room was empty.

New Jersey lawmakers are considering a bill to oversee easily rigged “claw” arcade games.

“We were informed of the problem by gov. Chris Christie, who spent $63 winning a plush M&M doll from a machine on the Asbury Park boardwalk,” says legislator.

“Plush?” says Christie.

The Mayor's Office of Public Engagement is seeking out millennials for an advisory board that focuses on “attracting and maintaining” an emerging younger population.

Meeting is to be held in the Mayor’s Office of Public Engagement’s mother’s basement. Pizza will be ordered and the delivery guy will be made to write something stupid on the box. The keynote speech, delivered by a different pizza guy, will be “Pokemon Go, Not Owning a Television and Being Disappointed in Everything All the Time.” Trigger Warning: No Man’s Sky may be discussed.

Pennsylvania attorney general Kathleen Kane resigns a day after being convicted on corruption charges.

“I have not been convicted of anything and I am not resigning,” she says while taking things off her desk and putting them in a cardboard box. “This will all blow over,” she tells the cab driver on the way home.