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June 28, 2018

10 reasons the Vikings will be a dumpster fire this season

This week, all week long, we're taking a brutal look at each of the teams in the NFC East, in detail. The first target on Monday was the mired-in-mediocrity Dallas Cowboys. On Tuesday, we roasted the garbage Giants. On Wednesday, we pointed out as always that the Redskins are owned by Dan Snyder.

So, wait... Why the Minnesota Vikings? Well, their fans are Charmin soft, and while it was fun watching them complain about Eagles fans after the NFC Championship Game last year, they need some toughening up. So let's make an exception and roast the Vikings as well.

(And yes, we'll get to the Eagles tomorrow.)

1) The Eagles own the Vikings' soul

Let's do this in timeline form:

9/3/16: Vikings trade first- and fourth-round picks to the Eagles for Sam Bradford: Many believed the Vikings were Super Bowl contenders in 2016 before losing starting quarterback Teddy Bridgewater for the season with a gruesome knee injury. The answer to that problem? Trading for a rickety quarterback with no more than seven wins in any one season to learn the playbook in a week and lead them to a Super Bowl! Lol.

Jimmy/for PhillyVoice

Bradford proceeded to actually break the record for highest completion percentage in a single season in NFL history, while also only barely topping 7 yards per pass attempt (7.02), which was 19th in the NFL. The combination of those two things feels impossible, but he was by far the most risk-averse quarterback in the NFL, which might make for decent stats in some metrics, but ultimately doesn't win games.

Anyway, the Vikings' OL suffered some injuries, Bradford couldn't carry the team, and yada yada yada, that first round pick ended up being much higher than the Vikings envisioned.

10/23/16: The Eagles pummel Sam Bradford for four quarters in 21-10 win: The Vikings headed into Philadelphia with a 5-0 record, but the Eagles beat up on Bradford, sacking him 6 times in that game, forcing three Bradford turnovers in what ended up being the Vikings' first loss of the season. Minny would go 3-8 after that 5-0 start.

3/3/17: Eagles win coin toss for the 14th overall pick: The Vikings had the same record as the Indianapolis Colts at 8-8 to close the 2016 regular season, and both teams finished with a strength of schedule of 0.492. The next tie-breaker for who gets the higher draft pick for teams in opposite conferences is, of course, a coin toss. Rather than just have the Eagles and Colts flip for it, for some dumb reason the coin had the Vikings' logo instead of the Eagles' logo, and the NFL made Vikings GM Rick Spielman join the Eagles and Colts on the stage at the NFL Combine for the flip.

Spielman had to watch as the Eagles won the toss, complete with Howie Roseman pumping his fists, adding insult to injury after being robbed of a first round pick.

4/27/17: Eagles draft DE Derek Barnett: That first round pick from the Vikings became Derek Barnett, who had a very good rookie season for the Eagles, and looks like a legitimate starting DE in the NFL. Worse, Barnett came back to haunt the Vikings in the NFC Championship Game, when he had a huge strip sack of Case Keenum before the game turned into a blowout. With the Vikings knocking on the door in the Eagles' red zone, at a time when they were still very much in the game, Barnett made his big play.

1/21/18 (pregame): Vikings fans do the Skol chant at the Rocky statue: On the day of the NFC Championship Game, about 50-70 or so Vikings fans showed up at the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum, where the Rocky statue resides, and they did the Skol chant.

(Insert Bill Murray quaking in his boots from 'Kingpin' gif here.)

Anyway, some Vikings fans were treated harshly, and in some cases Eagles fans definitely stepped over the line (throwing beer cans, for example), but the overreaction/embellishment by Vikings fans was hilarious.

Among those suffering hardships during the NFC Championship Game was a gentleman by the name of Eric Johnson, who was allegedly mistreated by Philadelphia police, per a report from Mike McFeely of the Fargo Forum.

He arrived at Lincoln Financial Field about 3 p.m. When the Uber driver stopped in a busy area, Johnson opened the car door and tried to get out. But a Philadelphia cop slammed the door on his leg and said, "You can't get out here!" Johnson tried to get out again, but the officer slammed the door on his leg a second time and angrily yelled at him. Johnson said he and the passengers he shared the Uber ride with were confused, and one of them left their cell phone in the back of the car because of it.

PhillyVoice is still awaiting word from the NFL on whether or not Johnson's shoes fell off as well.

The following week, Vikings fans upset with treatment of their brethren who attended the game in Philly hatched a genius plan to sign up as Uber or Lyft drivers, dropping off Eagles fans in wrong locations the week of the Super Bowl, which was being held in Minneapolis. (To note, this diabolical plan did not actually happen, as far as I'm aware.)

1/21/18 (the actual game): The Eagles smoke the Vikings 38-7: The disrespect some Vikings fans experienced in the parking lot that day paled in comparison to the beatdown the team received inside the stadium. After Nick Foles went 26/33 for 352 yards, 3 TD, and 0 INT against the "No. 1 defense in the NFL," Eagles fans decided to steal the Vikings Skol chant, changing "Skol" to "Foles."

Jimmy/for PhillyVoice

2/4/18: Eagles win the Super Bowl: In Minneapolis.

2-10) I lied

It's actually pretty easy to list the flaws of the Vikings, whether it be 'Kurt' Cousins' ridiculous contract, an offensive line that might be even worse than the Giants', receivers unlikely to match their 2017 numbers, a defense that's stingy with yards but doesn't produce turnovers, sometimes-dicey special teams play, blah blah blah.

But really, I just thought it'd be fun to bust on Vikings fans on dumpster fire week. ;)




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