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June 29, 2023

Oh, There's No One To Throw: A Children's Book About the San Francisco Forty-Whiners

Dumpster fire week continues with the 49ers.

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062623TheresNoOneToThrow Jimmy/for PhillyVoice

In the 80's and 90's, the Niners were hot,

With Young and Montana and Rice and Lott,

Those days are long gone, as it's been quite a while,

That folks from the bay have had reason to smile.

They've had a few chances to climb back on top,

But three tries to Crabtree led to a stop.

Garoppolo could have ended his slander,

But he misfired badly to a wide open Sanders.


They opened last season with a young kid named Lance,

Who they hoped would get them back to the dance.

In Chicago Week 1, the team laid an egg,

Week 2 it got worse when Lance broke his leg.

They turned back to Jimmy, but that wouldn't last,

His foot would soon reside in a cast.

"Why can't our guys be a little more sturdy?

We have nothing left but this rookie named Purdy."


With their third QB, the season looked bleak,

But the Niners went on a surprise winning streak.

In the playoffs they handled Seattle and Dallas,

And Purdy earned a nickname phallus.

With all their bad luck, a ring would seem silly,

But they thought they could beat the Eagles from Philly.

They had swagger and moxie, and yes they were cocky,

They even styled t-shirts on the statue of Rocky.


On the Niners' first drive, they would call for the medic,

After Brock's arm was hit by the great Haason Reddick.

Reddick got free around the right end,

Don't block the best player with a backup tight end.

Off on the sidelines Brock went through some tests,

But it became clear that he needed to rest.

In came the backup without further discussion,

But he too was knocked out, with a concussion.

Oh, There's No One To Throw!

As play caller Shanny is *thought* to be skilled,

He has a bad habit of getting quarterbacks killed.

Protecting the quarterback is NFL canon,

Imagine getting out-coached by Jonathan Gannon.


The rest of the game was filled with malaise,

As the Niners ran ugly ill-fated trick plays.

McCaffrey threw a pass so badly astounding,

That the officials felt bad and didn't call grounding.

The players and coaches were sorely dejected,

Trent Williams had a meltdown and he was ejected.

No doubt about it, the Niners got wrecked,

But we would soon learn that they would deflect.

Deebo and CMac and Shanny would cry,

All the way through to the month of July,

"We lost because of the offensive shutdown,"

Man, shut the f*** up, you were down by three touchdowns.


They grumbled so much that the league changed some rules,

Placating a bunch of pathetic fools.

It's hard to believe what's become of the these Niners,

You simply got beat, you loser-ass whiners.

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