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January 21, 2019

The Bachelor Recap: Season 23, Ep. 3

The one with Captain Jack Sparrow and Cheeseburger Eddie

Reality Television The Bachelor
Colton get a workout Source/ABC

Colton Underwood gets a tire workout in ahead of episode three of "The Bachelor."

After a comedian-packed episode last week with Megan Mullally, Nick Offerman and Billy Eichner, and “Paper, Rock, Scissors”-gate, Bachelor Nation was treated this week to pirates, carnivals and Terry Crews oh my!

“There will be highs, there will be lows, that’s the way it goes,” Chris Harrison, aka Dr. Seuss, when delivering the first date card. And highs and lows there were this episode.

In the first group date, the shipmates of the S.S. Colton tried to impress their captain by making each other walk the plank. Caelynn gave us her best Captain Hook impression by knocking all of the ladies off the boat while Tracy proved she was no Peter Pan. The best part of the entire date was when villain-Demi threw the chicken leg from the crowd onto the boat, when she almost certainly was not instructed to interrupt such a high production dinner show.

Demi then went all “Bird Box” on Colton at the after-show party (held at appropriately-named Big Daddy’s) by blind folding and using a prop hand to tease Colton, truly a memorable moment and a trait we all want in our future wife. Miss Alabama, aka Hannah B., threw down her gloves and went in on Miss North Carolina, aka Caelynn, to Colton, saying she was a bad person, thus starting some of the best dram the franchise has seen in years. But, as it turns out, this plan really backfired for Hannah B. as Caelynn cried her way into the group date rose.

For a record-breaking eight-millionth time, we have a helicopter one-on-one date on “The Bachelor!” Colton selected 31 year-old Elyse, a loyal member of the Colton Cougar Club, to spend the day at the real-life Walley World. The two had the entire theme park to themselves, well minus the roughly 30 children who joined them too. All we were missing was John Candy holding a bee-bee gun to Chevy Chase’s back as they rode empty roller coasters and this really would’ve been a reenactment of “National Lampoon’s Vacation.”

Elyse proclaimed she was a smitten kitten, receiving the one-on-one rose, and ending the night in the most iconic “The Bachelor” way possible; a private concert, this time with country music singer Tenille Arts. See “An Inside Look” below for more details on how these private concerts are really filmed.

Now for “American Ninja Warrior,” I mean “The Bachelor Strongest Women” competition. Celebrity couple Terry Crews and Rebecca King-Crews lent Colton a hand (not a shirt because he’s allergic to them) in teaching the bachelorettes how to train to be Colton’s partner in future Instagram workout videos. Limo pull, ring toss, prowler push, heavy heart race were just some of the competitions the ladies participated in.

Colton and Terry Crews lead a Bachelor workoutSource/ABC

Terry Crews and his wife, Rebecca King-Crews, coach a workout session with Colton and his bachelorettes.

As Fred Willard continues his Bachelor Nation residency as comic relief to Chris Harrison while announcing the competitions (he was also a judge on Arie’s season and Bachelor Winter Games) another referee controversy erupted (cough Saints vs. Rams cough). “The Bachelor” faithful were calling for a booth review after Canadian Caitlin did not make the finals after pulling an actual, real-life limo by herself (this is still under review as many are saying there was in fact a driver in the limo).

At the nighttime celebration of “The Bachelor Strongest Women” competition, romances started to heat up, but one relationship sank faster than the Titanic. Mid conversation, Colton decided to send Canadian Caitlin home. The nerve after she was the only girl to pull the limo all by herself! In makes you think, does Colton have a problem with Canadians? He sent Alex B. home last week (who we interviewed on this week’s podcast episode) and now Caitlin? What’s next, we learn he doesn’t like Maple Syrup? But to Colton’s credit, at least he got her an Uber Black car, so that was nice.

Then, Colton does something so dramatic… he throws a pool party! Can you believe it! More chances for America to see shirtless Colton while all the girls probably thought they were going to the Fyre festival. More drama ensues as Colton had a very “Bachelor in Paradise-”esq meltdown after talking to both Miss Alabama and Miss North Carolina. He doesn’t know who to believe, but has feelings for both. Colton gets so stressed he storms into the production room and talks with a producer, and then later Bachelor Nation God Chris Harrison. After his mini meltdown, he knows whom he wants to send home at the rose ceremony.

Receiving roses this week: Hannah G, Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather, Onyeka and Hannah B (so yes, more Miss America drama to come). Biting the dust this week: Canadian Caitlin, Catherine, Bri (fake Australian accent) and Nina. Next week, the show heads to Singapore where the Courtney and Demi drama takes it to the next level, while the Miss America feud hits the pinnacle. And then there were 15.

An Inside Look

• For private concert dates, like tonights with Tenille Arts, the fans in the audience typically have to wait around for 3-4 hours before the lead and date show up (in this case Colton and Elyse) and they don’t typically start filming until the wee hours of the morning.

• When Elyse said she was “failing in love” with Colton, that could have been an editing technique called “Frankenbiting,” which is when the editing staff take parts of different conversations at different times and piece them together. Given this was episode three, historically it’s way too early for a contestant to drop the “L” bomb. We covered “frankenbiting” in great detail in our podcast episode with LA Times reporter Amy Kaufman.

Eddie Ravert is the host of the iTunes Top 75 Bachelor Nation podcast "Rose Buds: The Most Dramatic Podcast Ever," where he and Lynn, his sister and co-host, interview past and present contestants.

You can catch their weekly podcast episodes on Apple PodcastsSpotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow @RoseBudsPodcast on Instagram for behind the scenes look into each episode. You can follow Eddie on Twitter @eddie_rage.