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August 26, 2016

That Happened: The Week in Review featuring ghosts, warriors, explorers, etc.

Opinion Jokes
Elisha Kent Kane COURTESY OF PETER CAPELOTTI/for PhillyVoice

Elisha Kent Kane, a true Philly pioneer.

An artist at PAFA makes machines intended for ghosts to use to communicate via painting or drawing.

But the machines must be malfunctioning, because they keep writing “This is Harambe. How did I die?” over and over again.

  • It's satire
  • or it's dumb jokes
  • at least.

The city’s new "Inclusive Parks & Playgrounds" bill stipulates that all redesigned or renovated parks provide intergenerational and family-friendly amenities.

Watching elderly American Ninja Warriors race over the Lifetime Geo Dome Climber will more than justify the cost.

A suburban Pennsylvania man cuts down his neighbor's pine tree because it dripped sap on his car faces criminal charges after the tree falls onto the apartment complex where he lives.

“On the upside, I can sleep in a clean car once they let me out of jail.”

Gov. Tom Wolf creates the Pennsylvania Department of Education Division of Charter Schools.

It disbands the next day without warning.

30th Street Station announces it will be replacing its flipboard schedule sign will be with a digital one.

“Clack clack clack. Northeast Corridor 5 Min Stairway 9. Then pull the plug already,” the sign says. “N.J. Transit Boarding Stairway 2. I know my dear wife PNB Sign will be waiting for me on the other side. Clack clack clack.”

The Montgomery County Sheriff's Office arrests seven deadbeat parents in an overnight raid.

“Well, this should improve the likelihood of my earning a living wage and supporting my children.”

Seventeen of the 42 people injured when a railing broke during a Snoop Dogg/Wiz Khalifa concert at BB&T Pavilion in Camden file suit against the artists, the promoter and more.

As for the rest of the victims, they’re going to file either this weekend or the next. Plenty of time. Relax.

A new historical marker is unveiled at Laurel Hill Cemetery paying tribute to Philly-born arctic explorer Elisha Kent Kane.

From the Journal of Elisha Kent Kane, February 15, 1857

Despite worsening conditions here in the arctic circle, my heart is warm, for I have invented a thing which I am certain shall make me a hero when I finally return to my home city of Philadelphia. It is a simple thing, really: One merely takes a battery and forms around it a hard-packed snowball. It delivers quite a wallop when thrown. I’ve been whipping them at polar bears all day. Hilarious. Tomorrow when we reach the North Pole, I intend to knock upon Santa Claus’ door and when he answers, I shall wang him right in the face with one of these bastards.

Yours in Christ,