August 26, 2016
But the machines must be malfunctioning, because they keep writing “This is Harambe. How did I die?” over and over again.
Watching elderly American Ninja Warriors race over the Lifetime Geo Dome Climber will more than justify the cost.
“On the upside, I can sleep in a clean car once they let me out of jail.”
It disbands the next day without warning.
“Clack clack clack. Northeast Corridor 5 Min Stairway 9. Then pull the plug already,” the sign says. “N.J. Transit Boarding Stairway 2. I know my dear wife PNB Sign will be waiting for me on the other side. Clack clack clack.”
“Well, this should improve the likelihood of my earning a living wage and supporting my children.”
As for the rest of the victims, they’re going to file either this weekend or the next. Plenty of time. Relax.
From the Journal of Elisha Kent Kane, February 15, 1857
Despite worsening conditions here in the arctic circle, my heart is warm, for I have invented a thing which I am certain shall make me a hero when I finally return to my home city of Philadelphia. It is a simple thing, really: One merely takes a battery and forms around it a hard-packed snowball. It delivers quite a wallop when thrown. I’ve been whipping them at polar bears all day. Hilarious. Tomorrow when we reach the North Pole, I intend to knock upon Santa Claus’ door and when he answers, I shall wang him right in the face with one of these bastards.
Yours in Christ,