June 27, 2019
This week, all week long, we've been taking a 100 percent vitriolic look at each of the teams in the NFC East, in detail, while ignoring the positives. The first target on Monday was the Dallas Cowboys. On Tuesday, we roasted the Washington team. On Wednesday, we focused on Dave Gettleman's insistence on destroying the Giants.
Today, before we finish off the series with the Philadelphia Eagles on Friday, we'll poke a little fun at the rest of the NFC.
• Bears: Matt Nagy has apparently been showing his team video of Cody Parkey's missed field goal in the playoffs over and over, unnecessarily putting added pressure on whatever poor bastard wins the kicking job. That's stupid on many levels, most notably that THE KICK WAS BLOCKED!. Anyway, the strength of that team was the defense, and the defensive coordinator is now gone. That D won't be as good this year. Boom roasted.
• Vikings: Your quarterback / wide receivers coach is a dork. How Adam Thielen didn't punch him in the face here is beyond me. I admire his restraint.
Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen trying to get on the same page after scoring only 3 points in the 1st half. pic.twitter.com/JVx65GeWRB— FOX Sports: NFL (@NFLonFOX) December 30, 2018
• Lions: The Lions' offseason strategy was basically, "Hi, free agent, we realize you have zero interest in playing for our head coach, so here's $3 million per year more than what anyone else is offering. Cool? Great, sign this, please." Also, open invitation to anyone reading this -- If you're ever close enough to snatch Matt Patricia's pencil out of his ear and snap it in half right in front of him, I'll Venmo you $50. Boom roasted.
• Packers: So maybe Aaron Rodgers has been a dick all along? Boom roasted.
• Falcons: Matt Ryan's noodle arm looked 25 percent noodlier last year. Boom roasted.
• Panthers: Cam Newton was once awesome. He's now 30 and the injuries have piled up, including a surgery to repair his throwing shoulder. Newton was at his best when he was a run-pass threat who used his massive size to shake off pass rushers and run over defenders. Those days are over, which probably means he's done, and it'll probably be another 3-5 years until the Panthers realize it. Boom roasted.
• Saints: Your team's instant turn from super cocky to pathetic crybabies last year was delicious. Also, you got the ball first in overtime, and couldn't close. Stop your bitching. Boom roasted.
• 49ers: So much hype last year, and then, (fart noise). Boom roasted.
• Cardinals: Steve Keim signed Sam Bradford to a one-year deal worth $20 million. A week later, he signed Mike Glennon to a two-year deal worth $8 million. In the 2018 NFL Draft, he traded Arizona's first-, third-, and fifth-round selections (15th, 79th, and 152nd) to the Raiders to take Josh Rosen at 10th overall. And finally, two months after the draft, he plead guilty to an "extreme DUI," which in hindsight, probably explains the Bradford signing. Bradford, Glennon, and Rosen are all gone, and the Cardinals' point differential was 107 points worse than the next closest team in the NFC a year ago. Somehow, Keim kept his job, and was trusted to make the No. 1 overall pick in the 2019 draft. Also, the press release announcing that Kliff Kingsbury would be the new coach included a selling point in it that he's friends with the golden boy coach of a division rival. Every Washington team statement that their team name isn't super racist aside, that is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen a team say. Boom roasted.
• Seahawks: OK, so this isn't about the team, really, but if you own a "12" jersey, you are a nerd. Also, I've been to that stadium two of the last three years. It's not that loud. Stop patting yourselves on the back for being louder than Cardinals fans. Also, Brian Schottenheimer. Boom roasted.
• Rams: Your coach is a coward who kicked a field goal on 4th and Goal from the half yard line down 3 with 6:04 to play in regulation in the NFC Championship Game. After he escaped that game with a lucky win, he got his ass handed to him in the Super Bowl. Boom roasted.
(Takes drag of a cigarette.)
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