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March 24, 2018

Eagles QB Carson Wentz remains at large after daring prison escape

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz, along with three others, escaped from prison on Saturday. Local authorities are currently searching for the 25-year-old North Dakota native, but as of 5 p.m. his whereabouts remained unknown. 

The circumstances surrounding Wentz's recent incarceration remain uncertain, but prison officials insist that he and his three accomplices – believed to be Wentz's fiancée, brother and sister-in-law – are no longer on prison grounds. 

Wentz confirmed as much earlier in the day when he posted the following Instagram message with a simple caption that seems to be almost mocking the guards who were meant to keep him locked away. (Just look at him smirking as he subtly shows off his already-removed handcuffs hanging by his side...)

This daring escape should not come as a surprise to anyone who has closely followed the young quarterback's career, and that's not a bad joke about Wentz's ability to elude defenders on the field. As our own Jimmy Kempski pointed out earlier, Wentz has actually escaped prison in the past. 

The first time came back in 2016, when the Cleveland Browns traded the No. 2 overall pick to the Eagles just before the NFL Draft. 

How did he do it this time around, especially considering that just a month ago he was still walking with the help of a cane? That remains somewhat of a mystery, and officials are still unwilling to reveal his method of escape.

But sources inside the prison have told PhillyVoice that a bible, with the pages cut out in the shape of an air pump and needle, and an oddly-placed Nick Foles Super Bowl MVP poster were found in his now-vacant cell. Most alarmingly, however, are the reports of a loud banging sound that had apparently been heard coming from Wentz's cell. 

Originally, the noise was believed to be from Wentz rehabbing his surgically repaired right knee, but sources now say it was from a football being thrown repeatedly at the exact same spot on the wall until the hole it created was large enough for an adult person to fit through. It would seem he did this until the ball was totally flat, and then used the air pump and corresponding needle to refill it the following night.

The warden would not directly confirm how Wentz escaped, instead offering only an apology for his decision to show "The Shawshank Redemption" at last week's Inmate Movie Night.

Since there was no football found at the scene, Wentz is considered to be armed and authorities are warning area residents to stay indoors if at all possible as the situation could escalate if they attempt to capture him again.

[If you don't get that this is a joke, I don't know what else to tell you other than ... it's a joke.]

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