May 09, 2017
When will this madness end? I’m starting to think it never will.
First came the absurd blowback to my definitive take that pickles should not be served on sandwiches, or even on plates near sandwiches, unless specifically requested by an eater. This is just common sense.
Then, just last week, culinary cyberbullies just had to get all cocky and braggart-y about some sort of Pickle Juice Soda concoction being sold in the lower-quality western part of our fine commonwealth.
One would think the craziness would end there. One would be wrong.
Well, fast-forward to this week and the foodie tormenters were back at it again, proudly defiling my social-media feeds with a story from something called Delish.com headlined, “You Can Now Buy Pickle Popsicles. We can't dill with this news.”
First things first: Enough with the daggum “dill” puns on stories about these briny monstrosities. It’s beneath the very notion of respectable written communication.
Now, onto the horrors at hand in the form of a disgusting frozen pouch sure to steal the innocence of children seeking the sweet summertime relief of an ice cold Otter Pop-type treat.
Per Delish, “Van Holten’s, makers of Pickle-In-A-Pouch and Pickleback Brine … also sell Pickle Ices — AKA frozen tubes of electrolyte-enhanced pickle juice.”
It’s all well and good that the company behind Pickle Pops has a historical narrative of immigrants seeking, and achieving, their version of the American dream to the point of riffing off a product found at sporting-event concession stands in “Texas, Alabama, Arkansas and Mississippi.”
What’s most disturbing about this nonsense is a quote from Eric Girard, vice president of sales and marketing for Van Holten’s. It’s this quote in particular:
"Pickles seem to be a huge trend right now, as you may have noticed. We're excited to be riding that wave."
Yeah, you know who else rode a huge trend to power? That’s right: Donald Trump.
If you eat pickles, you’re no better than one of those people who started swinging at protesters at his rallies.
That’s right: I went there, definitively conflating my personal politics with my taste-bud divinity in a brazen attempt to shame you into spurning this product. This transcends debate. Pickle enthusiasts are unAmerican cretins.
Listen, I know things are crazy in this country these days, but this pickle madness has got to stop.
I need to re-emphasize that.
This. Pickle. Madness. Has. Got. To. STOP.
It’s already stolen the sanctity of a pickle-free soda fountain. Now, the chilled-treat freezer has also been compromised?
We’re living in sad times, people. Maybe the saddest of all the times in history.