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May 17, 2018

I mean, just shut up already, Colin Cowherd, lol

Let me start this post by acknowledging that I have taken the loss here. Congratulations on the win to FS1 radio host Colin Cowherd, whose sole purpose in his job is to get reactions, which he has previously (and recently) achieved in Philadelphia for a moronic Sixers prediction that ended up being way off.

Because Cowherd was successfully able to draw attention in Philly by trolling Sixers fans, he figured, "Hey, let's try the Eagles!" I have taken the bait, and will react to a recent monologue by Cowherd that appeared in my Twitter feed today. 

The following rant is about Lane Johnson's recent appearance on the Steve Austin podcast in which he criticized the Patriots, or something. Probably. I'm not totally sure, to be honest. That somehow turned into a weird comparison between the Eagles and the Seahawks, who Cowherd views as a crumbling franchise. I briefly tried to find a longer version of the following audio to hear Cowherd's jumping off point, but really, who cares? 

Anyway, here's the audio of what I did hear:

Personally, trolling has a special place in my heart. It's fun. I mean, I do it every year in my dumpster fire series. Except, when you troll, at least make a salient point at some point along the way. Let's take a look at Cowherd's dipshit monologue, point-by-point.

“Welcome to the Northeast version of the Seahawks.”

The Seahawks won at least one playoff game every year for five straight years before this past season. They played in two Super Bowls, winning one, and narrowly losing another. And yet the premise of this rant is that being the new "Seahawks of the Northeast” is somehow meant to be some kind of shot at the Eagles. Anyway, continue…

“Philadelphia, you’re one year removed from having your season crumble because you lost Lane Johnson to a suspension.”

Certainly the season didn’t crumble because the Eagles’ roster wasn’t very good, lining up guys like Paul Turner at wide receiver. It was all Lane Johnson.

“By the way, you’ve already lost your offensive coordinator, Philadelphia. Go ask Atlanta and Matt Ryan what’s that like. They went to a Super Bowl too, should have won it. Lost their offensive coordinator, not the same team.”

I did indeed call Matt Ryan*, and the conversation went like so:

Jimmy: Hey Matt, how are you?

Matt: Fine, who’s this?

Jimmy: Jimmy Kempski.

Matt: Who?

Jimmy: I cover the Eagles. Anyway. doesn’t matter. What’s it like to lose your offensive coordinator?

Matt: Huh?

Jimmy: I ask because the Eagles lost their offensive coordinator this offseason. What can the Eagles expect now that they’ve lost their offensive coordinator like you did last year?

Matt: Well, you cover the Eagles, right? So you’re aware that it’s Doug Pederson’s offense, right? In Atlanta, our head coach is a defensive-minded guy in Dan Quinn. When the OC left and we hired a new one, the entire offense changed. You do see the distinction there, right? You’re terrible at your job, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Sorry, Matt.

“By the way, you just cut a cornerback, Philadelphia, that you traded for. DUI.”

The Eagles’ 2018 season is now ruined because the Eagles traded a player in Torrey Smith they were going to cut anyway for a corner who would be a third stringer if he were still on the roster.

“Chatty Lane Johnson. You just heard him. Been suspended twice. PEDs.”

Without PEDs, Johnson was the best offensive tackle (overall, not just right tackle) in the NFL last season. Soooooo, Johnson was suspended in 2016 for PEDs, and then won the Super Bowl. How does that mean that the Eagles are going to have some kind of precipitous dropoff in 2018, unless the prediction here is that he’s going to be suspended for a third time? I guess I'm just confused what the point here is.

“Hall of Famer Jason Peters is coming back. What is he, 36? It’ll be his last year.”

It’s been Peters’ last year for five years now. Also, the Eagles won a Super Bowl without him.

“For the record, the New York Giants, who already have a good defense…”

Hang on, let me interrupt whatever the rest of this sentence is going to be by noting that the Giants had the 31st ranked defense in the NFL last season, better than only the Buccaneers.

OK, continue…

“…hired Pat Shurmur, a brilliant offensive mind.”

OMG. Lololololololol. Like… OMG. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

“They upgraded at left tackle.”

They certainly did. Literally anybody would have been an upgrade over Ereck Flowers at left tackle, so congratulations to the Giants for clearing an extremely low bar. They added Nate Solder, who is now the highest-paid offensive lineman in the NFL. Unfortunately for the Giants, he is, at best, the fifth-best offensive tackle in the NFC East, and arguably sixth- or seventh-best.

“They got a star running back.”

Maybe. We’ll see. Saquon Barkley is certainly an outstanding prospect, and there’s every reason to believe that he’ll be a really good running back in the NFL. Of course, using the No. 2 overall pick on a running back is an atrocious use of resources.

“They probably got the steal of the draft at guard.”


“Odell Beckham is back.”

Odell Beckham is certainly an extremely talented player. He’s also an immature baby, and an immature baby who wants to be paid. It’s a good thing new Giants GM Dave Gettleman has a stellar history dealing with diva types. Oh wait.

(Also, the Giants were 0-4 in games OBJ played in last year.)

“They’ll be way better.”

I should hope so! They were picking second in the draft. The only team that had a worse season was the Cleveland friggin' Browns. 

“Dallas won 9 games. They’re going to be better.”

Dallas won 8 games, unless you count the 6-0 win (lol) over the Eagles’ third stringers Week 17, in which case, yes, they won 9 games.

“The Rams were loaded. They added Pro Bowlers on defense.”

The Rams certainly added some very talented (but troubled) players on defense this offseason. They could be very dangerous. We’ll see. A year ago, they folded up meekly in the wildcard round of the playoffs, and were one and done against the aforementioned Falcons and their new offensive coordinator.

“Aaron Rodgers is back.”

Aaron Rodgers is the best player in football, according to some. I wouldn’t argue much on that. Unfortunately, the rest of the team is trash.

“New Orleans was good. Their young players are only getting better.”

Alright, that’s fine I guess. By the way, I’m not sure why we’re naming other teams around the conference. Honestly, it’s kind of a sign of respect to do that rather than focus on the divisional opponents. It’s almost a concession of Philadelphia’s standing in the league when you start naming non-divisional teams who could knock them off.

“And by the way, your schedule in Philadelphia is a first place schedule. Have you seen the Eagles’ schedule? At the Rams, at the Saints, at Jacksonville, Minnesota, Atlanta, Carolina.”

The Eagles played four of those teams last year as well. They were 4-0.

“Yeah… talk talk talk talk talk talk… Feels just like Seattle. We thought that thing was going to last forever. Didn’t we? That was like four years ago. It was a dynasty. It’s the Warriors! It’s the Yankees! What’s Seattle now? A mess. Old coach, year left on his contract, weird draft, got a punter, reached on a couple of picks, bad O line, lost their deep threat at wide receiver, their best corner is gone, Earl Thomas wants to be a Cowboy maybe, Michael Bennett’s a great pass rusher… (they) let him go.”

The only parallel between the Seahawks and the Eagles in that above paragraph is Michael Bennett, who Cowherd called “a great pass rusher,” and who is now an Eagle. 

Could the Eagles fall back to Earth next season? YES! They certainly can. Their starting quarterback may or not be ready for the start of the regular season, and even if he is, he's almost certainly not going to have the same mobility he had in 2017. And then there's the pesky matter of the 37 Eagles players who had surgery this offseasonRepeating is hard. Hell, it hasn't happened since the 2003-2004 seasons.

In other words, please don't read this as some kind of impassioned defense of the Philadelphia Eagles. Instead, please read this as a nothing more than a petty observation that Colin Cowhard is awful. 

*I lied. I didn't actually talk to Matt Ryan.

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