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April 05, 2017

Inspired by Pepsi and Kendall Jenner, ad campaign suggestions for other brands

Happy Wednesday! Have you heard about that KardashiPepsi ad hullaballoo yet?

Of course you have! That’s how things work in a these-days America where some tone-deaf foray into the public sphere galvanizes the portion of the nation that expresses itself via social media.

Suffice it to say, this blowback against America’s runner-up cola feels warranted to a beyond-certain extent.

I mean, morphing racial, cultural and societal anger into a “global ad that reflects people from different walks of life coming together in a spirit of harmony” just doesn’t feel like the right thing to do.

Struggle and angst often create an environment that fosters creative expression, though. 

Rather than wasting another second chastising a family with a member that – in the words of her husband – became “a superstar all from a home movie” (see the NSFW “Clique,” 2012) let’s seize the opportunity to pair brands with important moments and ongoing issues in American history, shall we?

Here's eight brand opportunities inspired by Kendall Jenner's Pepsi spot! (Feel free to share your own in the comments.)

1. Ladies, the United States Constitution was just amended to give you the same voting rights as the men in your life. Walking to the polls can take a toll on your feet, but you’re in luck! Try Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel insoles. Your feet – and the candidate of your choice! – will thank you.

2. Did you know that – back in the day – you might’ve had to bust your hump in a factory rather than complain about your pesky homework, children of America? Well that all changed in 1938 with the Fair Labor Standards Act. Ugh. All’s not lost, though. Ask mommy, daddy, or Santa Claus to buy you the Bob the Builder™ Talking Tool Belt. You might not have to work “long hours in dangerous factory conditions for very little money,” but the tool belt could talk to you over the course of a long day in the coal mines! (Trust us, kids, this is a growth industry in America Vers. 2017.)

3. Boston Harbor. May 10, 1773. Up to 130 men – some in Mohawk warrior disguises – raided three boats and dumped 342 chests of tea into the water. Some say this was a seminal point in the American Revolution. But did you know that it also decimated an American tea industry now deemed unpatriotic? That’s right, people started shifting to coffee. In fact, many your fellow patriots drink coffee to this day! You might say that America runs on Dunkin. Donuts, that is. Dunkin Donuts: America’s patriotic morning beverage.

4. In the late 18th century, an outbreak of yellow fever killed some 5,000 people in Philadelphia. Though there’s a vaccine, the disease claims some 20,000 lives across the globe each year. Don’t let that unfun fact sully the color’s reputation, though. Head out to the record store and grab Coldplay’s 2000 album “Parachutes.” Drop the needle on track five. It’s called “Yellow.” Then, let the soothing strains take you away to a world where pain and disease does not exist. Can’t get to the record store? That’s OK. Buy it online!

5. A montage of tweets, Facebook posts, photoshopped images and television segments. Every one of them offers a quip about the President of the United States’ spray-tanning hue. Tropicana Pure Premium: With no added sugar, water, or preservatives, Tropicana puts the good in morning (but not the orange on your skin ... ba dum bum)!

6. More than one-third of American adults have obesity. It can be deadly. That is bad. You know what isn’t bad? Miller64 beer: the “perfect choice for consumers striving to maintain a sense of healthy balance in their busy lifestyles." Available at Walmart.

7. Distracted driving is deadly. While 90 percent of drivers realize mobile-phone distractions are unacceptable, 35 percent of those folks admit to reading or sending text messages or emails while behind the wheel. This doesn’t have to happen! We know how important it is for you to communicate with the outside world. We also know how blood flows red on the highway. Be a responsible citizen. Here’s a code to get 10 percent off your next ride with Uber!

8. In the immortal words of Rick James, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug.” In the words of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, though, it’s also powerfully addictive and deadly. Yes, we know that our forefathers had some blow in our early blends, but not anymore! Coca-Cola: You can’t get tweaked off eight cans, but at least we haven’t appropriated the Black Lives Matter movement to sell you a 12-pack or 2-liter bottle in Philly!