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June 18, 2018

Putting ketchup on your eggs is uncivilized and inhumane

Fun fact: A killer's last meal before getting executed is seen as a harbinger of this food-combo travesty

Opinion Food
Eggs Brian Hickey/PhillyVoice

Putting ketchup on eggs is the sign of an unrefined mind.

Ketchup is a fine condiment. It goes well on burgers, fries, tater tots, hash browns and – dare I say – fried chicken.

Still, ketchup is not a universally fine condiment. There are some things with which its tomato-ey, sweet-and-sour kick does not blend. 

What I’m not going to do here today is list all the things you should never pour ketchup on. I am going to focus on the most important one: Eggs.

Putting ketchup on your eggs, as many of you people apparently do, is as a sacrilege and emblematic of a human being who should not be permitted to make food choices for themselves or others. (And yes, former Vice President Joe Biden, that includes you.)

This is a controversial take. Trust me, as someone who once ate egg-white-and-ham-with-ketchup breakfast sandwiches in my 20s, I know this.

Already this week, Big Ketchup tweeted out a tacit approval of this deviant behavior. Heinz is a western Pennsylvania mainstay, so it will be extended every courtesy. After all, the company would like you to put ketchup on everything, as it should, since it’s a ketchup vendor.

But that doesn’t mean ketchup – famously the object of the late Anthony Bourdain’s derision in respect to hot-dog and fancy-variety usage – belongs on eggs.

I side with people responsible with online posts such as “If you put ketchup on your eggs you are a disgusting human being,” “People that put ketchup on eggs are scum of the Earth” and “Should people who put ketchup on eggs be deported?

Is a dollop of ketchup on your scrambled eggs as rancid as, say, pickles? Of course not. Nothing is.

Does eating such a breakfast abomination put you on moral par with a since-executed killer whose last meal is seen as the harbinger of the "breakfast burrito"? I certainly hope not.

However, it is unnecessary. Want to punch up your bland scrambled eggs? Ignore the vinegary tomato flavoring. We live in a world where Hollandaise and hot sauces of all varieties exist. Seize the day.

Don’t take my word for it. Here is some corroboration from likeminded culinary heroes over the past few days:

Maybe there are some tweets espousing the benefits of ketchup on eggs, but I’m not going to look for them. I’m not in the business of validating improper food takes, only celebrating the proper ones.

Ketchup on eggs is as bad as mixing milk with a Mountain Dew Code Red. Out of respect to the chickens who selflessly provide these eggs for your consumption, don’t do it. Thank you.