More Culture:

November 01, 2016

Ask Hickey: Honking at golfers, fantasy football justice and the fall of American fatherhood

Got something you want to ask? Send me your questions through FacebookTwitter or email (with "Ask Hickey" in the subject line). Your anonymity is guaranteed — if that’s how you want it — so feel free to send them via private/direct message.


And now, this week’s questions...

Ahoy, polloi!

Is it OK to honk while driving past a golf course? 

— Swaggy Mitch (via Twitter)

I hate golf. It is barely a sport. The pros don’t even carry their own bags. It’s their way of saying they’re better than the commoners. (See: Spaudling Smails video below)

But I digress.

Just because I don’t like golf doesn’t mean you should interfere with others’ pursuit of recreational escape. I posed your question to a good friend who engages in that hobbyist activity. Here’s what he said:

“If you’re f------ with people while they’re putting? Yes. If the golfer is driving away from a tee box? No. I’ll aim for your car.”

This is a decent response, both in words and in actions.

Distractions always threw me for a loop whilst putting at the erstwhile Old Pro Miniature Golf on Route 70 in Cherry Hill. (Side note: The country/western course was leaps and bounds better than the circus side, though the free-game challenge of the latter was easier to beat.)

I presume it takes more concentration to drive the ball a couple hundred yards than putting it past a spinning windmill. It’s not exactly nice to try and mess with people who dropped a few bills to get away from it all for a few hours.

This sort of behavior can lead to anger at best and violence at worst. To wit:

Now, those all involve air horns, but you asked about car horns, so I reached out to a pair of local courses that are situated near roadways.

Merion Golf Club, which hosted the 2013 U.S. Open, sits near Haverford Road and Ardmore Avenue in Ardmore. Brandon, who works in the golf shop there, told me that “it’s really not an issue here; it happens sometimes but not enough that we’d have to take action.”

Not far from busy Henry Avenue in Philadelphia’s Roxborough neighborhood is the public Walnut Lane Golf Club. It has not hosted the U.S. Open as far as I know.

I drive by it often and hear horns from time to time, as well. However, Sean Ketchum, the club’s director of golf, said car-horn distractions aren’t all that common.

“It doesn’t happen a whole lot. Golfers complain, ‘Ah, that guy’s a jerk,’ but we have plenty of problems over there, and that’s not one of them,” Ketchum said, noting that maintenance at a public course and balls being hit into the street are more worrisome than a loud, but quick, honk of distraction.

“It can throw your shot off, no doubt about it, because it’s a highly trafficked area. There’s 700 accidents a year between Philadelphia University and Dalessandro’s [Steaks],” said Ketchum, of two landmarks on either side of the course. “People here just expect it because there’s so much traffic. They’re not paying attention to it. They don’t think it’s necessarily directed at them.”

So there you have it, Swaggy Mitch: If you’re inclined to honk your car horn near a golf course, you’re free to do so. Just don’t expect people to flip out like they would if you were hiding in the shrubbery with an air horn. Hint, hint.

'Disgrace brings grief every day of one's life'

Which event destroyed memories of youth more: Learning that Dick Yuengling supports Donald Trump or that Bill Cosby is (allegedly) a rapist

— Capt. Lou (via Twitter)

It isn’t even close: Cosby.

Libturds and pro-labor types long knew that Dick was kinda — wait for it — dickish. If your youth was defined by that swill, you were either too rich to be in the Milwaukee’s Best cool-kids club or have unrefined taste buds.

Cosby, on the other hand, presented himself as a paragon of pull-up-your-pants virtue. While a condescending holier-than-thou life lecturer, he also had those Cliff Huxtable and Fat Albert bona fides going for him.

When he was exposed as a heinous monster, it mattered to very few people that he lost his reputation (and, hopefully, freedom). Nope, a nation’s ability to trust in celebrities who position themselves as father figures was irrevocably damaged.

Not that that was a good thing in the first place, I suppose. Suffice it to say, that's a bigger cultural hit than losing the ability to drink second-rate barely-beer with a clear conscience.

If what they say about Bill Cosby is true, he should never be remembered as anything but a disgrace. Same goes for anybody who drank Yuengling, even before politics came into play. 

Stop being a douchebag, man

The commissioner of my fantasy football league died suddenly. Who do I send my $200 to? Do I have to send it at all?

— Clue Heywood (via Twitter)

Sorry for your loss. I hope your commissioner is remembered fondly, and revered, by loved ones and his extended fantasy-sports family. I hope he got a chance to meet Harambe in heaven, as well.

Now, onto your question, from which I can draw upon life experiences to answer.

It was Week 13 of the NFL season. The Eagles smoked the Arizona Cardinals, 48-20, and, since that was a Thanksgiving week, my lineup was already set. 

I would go on to lock up a playoff spot with that week’s victory, which lifted my season record to 6-7.

Alas, I would not be able to set my lineup for the following week, or for the rest of the season, for that matter. Comas will do that to you.

Anyway, the league decided — unbeknownst to me, obvi — to pool their money and give it all to my bride, who was faced with potential widowhood. Luckily, that didn’t happen! 

But, alas, your commish wasn’t so fortunate.

I posed your question to my pal Spree, who came up with the proceeds-donation idea.

Here’s what he had to say:

“Stop being a f------ cheap douchebag and grow the f--- up. They should play out the season and send the money to that dude’s wife or family. Why the f--- wouldn’t you?”

As this exchange occurred on a group text, another friend, Freddie, also chimed in:

“Sounds like something Trump would ask. Douchebaggery. It’s not even a question. Just give it to her now and still play the season out for bragging rights.”

So, there you have it, scumbag. Get right with God before it’s too late.