January 31, 2018
When Police Commissioner Richard Ross said Tuesday that Crisco would not be utilized to control crowds like the one celebrating the Eagles' NFC Championship win, the good people at PornHub saw an opportunity to help out.
In a Wednesday afternoon Tweet – that was expected to be followed by a formal offer letter – the porn site offered up 110 gallons of lubricant to help prevent raucous fans from climbing those poles along Broad Street and beyond.
PornHub Vice President Corey Price delved deeper into the thinking behind the offer in a press release sent out to various media entities in the city and beyond.
"As evidenced by our breast and testicle cancer prevention and awareness campaigns, both health and safety are very important to us at Pornhub," he said. "So, when we got word that Crisco wasn't successfully keeping rowdy Philly fans from climbing street signs and traffic lights, which can be very dangerous, we thought we could help by offering our lube.
"We figured, if we are able to successfully 'grease the poles' of thousands of PornHub fans across the globe, why not help out the good people of Philly!"
Why not, indeed.
Price went on to note that the 110-gallons of lube, which could be delivered to the city within two days, "would be an ample amount to keep hands from sliding up and down on Philly's hard poles."
He also noted that, if police were to accept this kind offer, they should apply it to the poles "liberally and gently on the base, working your way up the shaft."
(See what he did there?)
Contacted for comment on Wednesday evening, a Philadelphia Police Department spokesman noted that there would be "no official comment aside from our Twitter reply."