November 09, 2026
My wife, Donna, and I had a pretty large gap between our second date in 1989 and our third date in 2015. We were upperclassmen at the University of Minnesota and we had been introduced to each other that spring at a mutual friend’s party. In the fall, we met at another party and decided to cut out early; there was immediate electricity, a special connection, and ease of conversation.. I was over the moon just walking around holding hands (Donna walking, me rollerblading). As the night got late, I accompanied her to her apartment door, kissed her good night, and skated off to my house.
Later that week, she agreed to come over for a dinner date at my house, and I made cod on a bed of lettuce. I'm not sure that was a great choice, but whatever. During dinner, the conversation was great, we had many things in common, and our sense of humor seemed to click. But something was off. Anytime I would get near her, she would hedge or shift a little bit away. I was confused; the other night she was warm, leaning in, happy to hold hands, and kiss. And yet her body language during dinner was signaling she wasn’t interested. We sat across from each other in the living room as the conversation dwindled, so we called it a night, and she went home.
I figured I’d give it another chance, so I stopped by her apartment building on the way to campus to just say hi and gauge the situation. She buzzed me in and made me some lunch. But again, I got focused on body language. One of her roommates was a man, and whenever I inched closer to her, she closed the gap between herself and her roommate. It seemed like an obvious, intentional spatial positioning. I assumed she was dating this other guy, and I was just a fun fling. I excused myself and left for classes, figuring that it just wasn't meant to be. In the pre-social media, pre-mobile phone world, if you didn’t actively exchange contact information with people, they pretty much disappeared.
Over the next 26 years, we had no idea how many times our paths almost crossed: the same concerts, living and working in the same city at different times, and even our visits to San Diego. There were multiple times we were at Jake’s of Del Mar within a week of each other. Our careers also became weirdly entwined: Donna switched from marketing to special education, while I ended up in marketing here in Philadelphia, and two of my kids have autism.
In 2008, we were both early adopters of Facebook so I friended her (her name is so common I would have never found her on there two years later). We weren’t actively reaching out to each other, but we did the regular silly comments or likes on posts. She even copied and pasted one of my posts about parenting children with autism, so it could be shared, which my then-wife also shared.
In 2014, I went through a divorce. After a couple months, I started dating and thought I could benefit from a singles coach. I had been married a total of 18 years and didn't have much experience being single as an adult. Donna, on the other hand, remained extremely single and appeared to be having a ball. I figured I’d ask her to be my singles coach. And I wrongly assumed I wouldn't fall in love with a coach who lived 1,000 miles away in Minneapolis. We would talk and watch movies together over the phone. It was fun, but safe.
In 2015, I visited my parents in Minnesota for my dad’s 70th birthday. On my last day there, I arranged to have dinner with Donna at a Thai restaurant. When I saw her, all the old feelings came back, and I knew I was in trouble. My singles coach experiment had failed. I knew we would be scheduling a third date in Philadelphia. It was inevitable.
We spent 18 months dating remotely before she moved out here in December 2016. She had a job lined up before she arrived because she had connections in the Pennsylvania autism community. We found a beautiful old mansion in Elkins Park to rent so that all five kids would have a place to sleep on weekends and holidays. Then we all flew out to Minnesota to get married in August 2018.
I lost 26 years of connection and happiness with Donna because I didn’t stop, be curious, and seek clarity.
One of the cornerstones of our marriage—and one of the things we fight for in our careers— is building extreme curiosity to create clarity to manage paradox and ambiguity. It’s important between us, it’s important in raising our children, and it’s especially important in helping children with special needs.
But for many businesses, curiosity and clarity are neglected for the sake of speed or comfort. When you don’t take the time and effort to manage paradox and ambiguity they will negatively impact your outcomes.
Strong leaders don't just stop at the obvious, simple, or neat answer.
They know the truth lies behind the surface, and true problem solving requires depth and determination. This is true whether you are a leader of self, a leader of others, or a leader of leaders.Look back at our story from 1989. Tim at 21 did not have curiosity or a desire for clarity. I thought I was fact-finding, but I was making assumptions about her behavior and the true intention behind it. The body language I misinterpreted as not being interested or being with somebody else was actually caused because someone told her I was a player! She was still very interested and attracted to me, but she was being cautious and creating space to avoid being hurt.
My young mind couldn't handle the paradox that she could be very much interested while also being cautious and concerned. I couldn’t balance the fact that she showed up with her shift in body language. I chose to read the one “negative” signal as an overarching indication of her feelings for me. I didn't see the full ambiguity of the situation—when you first meet somebody, you know practically nothing about them. I failed to recognize how little I actually knew about her and decided to fill in the blanks with my own thoughts.
If I had decided I needed to seek facts instead of assuming, I would have become curious about her. Had I been curious, I could have found out what was driving the shift in body language. If she had shared her concern, I could have demonstrated my desire to engage in a real connection. I could have proved I wasn’t the person she had been told about through my actions. I didn't get that chance because I made it about me and how the situation was making me feel. I created a story in my head that supported the way I wanted to perceive the situation to protect my ego.
The answer is really simple. “It’s not about you, dummy!” It’s easy to see how the current situation affects you and what you want. But easy doesn't solve problems. Solving problems and finding solutions means being curious and driving for clarity. If you don’t ask questions, you won’t resolve the paradox behind why somebody who is attracted to you and wants to be with you is creating physical space. If you don't respect ambiguity, you’ll assign actions and intents to somebody based on knowing practically nothing. Compare what I know about Donna after living with her for 10 years versus what I knew about her in 1989. There are still things about her I learn, even today.
The same things happen in business. You hire people because you believe in them and you need them to help make the business successful. Customers hire your business because you’ve convinced them your solution meets a need they have better than anything else. These are relationships just like personal relationships. Needs change, people change, and situations change. Even if you engaged in extreme curiosity in the beginning, the factors that made it work back then may not be the same forces at work today.
Are you curiously seeking clarity, or are you assembling data points to fit the story you want to believe? Are you respecting paradox, or do you believe there can only be one truth? Do you recognize that ambiguity never goes away? Do you think you know everything, or are you willing to find out more, even if it’s uncomfortable?
Growth Spectrum was founded in 2018 by Tim and Donna to help business leaders learn how to cultivate curiosity about all the factors contributing to complex problems. Explore how to manage Paradox & Ambiguity in your business.
Timothy Biskup's forthcoming Leadership guide, Act Against Your Nature, releases in summer of 2027. Join the early reader list for updates and previews.
