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September 14, 2017

Week 2 NFL picks

For the gambling degenerates, here are my Week 2 NFL picks. To note, the helmets indicate who I think will win the game, not cover the spread. At the end of the picks, I'll note a few teams that I like based on the spread.

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Texans at Bengals (-6.5): Ah, the in-season tradition of bad Thursday night games continues, between two teams who got the crap kicked out of them Week 1. Bengals, I guess.

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Browns at Ravens (-8): The Browns-Steelers game wasn't quite as close as the 21-18 final score would suggest, but the Browns look like they're somewhat improved from last season nevertheless. Unfortunately for them, they run into a Ravens team that utterly dominated the Bengals Week 1.

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Bills at Panthers (-7.5): Congratulations to all the people who took the Bills Week 1 in their survivor pool. There won't be many other times I'll be picking them to win the rest of the year.

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Cardinals (-7) at Colts: I knew the Colts would be really bad when I picked them to be drafted fifth overall in the 2018 NFL Draft in my 2017 NFL season predictions. I did not know they would be "46-9 loss to the Rams" bad.

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Titans (-2.5) at Jaguars: The Jaguars have a habit of getting their rare wins in clusters, and they won convincingly Week 1. On top of that, the Titans may be one of the more overrated teams in the NFL. Still, I just can't trust a team that wins four games every season after one good game. Give me the Titans, with no conviction whatsoever.

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Eagles at Chiefs (-5.5): Beating an Andy Reid-coached team that has had three extra days to prepare for you is not an easy task. With three serious weapons in Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce, and now Kareem Hunt, the Chiefs are more dangerous on offense than they were perhaps given credit for at the start of the season. 

They're too much to handle for an improving Eagles team.

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Patriots (-6.5) at Saints: Holy crap is that Saints defense bad, as usual. Also, we should note that the Pats must win this game so that nobody is forced to witness the following disgraceful display again:

On towel day, no less.

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Vikings at Steelers (-6): Did my eyes deceive me or did Sam Bradford actually throw the ball more than 10 yards down the field last Monday night? Take a curtain call, Sleeves.

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OK, now, back to reality after facing one of the worst defenses in the NFL Week 1.

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Bears at Buccaneers (-7): NFL teams don't like their routines disrupted, so I'm wary of taking the Bucs to win Week 2 after Hurricane Irma forced a cancellation of their Week 1 game against the Dolphins. I also think there's something to be said for knocking some rust off in Week 1. Still, while the Bears hung tight against the Falcons Week 1, I can't justify taking a team that didn't win a single road game last year.

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Dolphins at Chargers (-4.5): Like the Buccaneers above, the Dolphins had the start of their season disrupted by the hurricane. Unfortunately for them, unlike the Bucs, they have to fly across the country to the West Coast to take on a formidable opponent in the Chargers.

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Jets at Raiders (-14): The Jets are really, really, really bad. 

Survivor pick alert (we'll keep this going until I fail you): 

  1. Week 1: Bills
  2. Week 2: Raiders

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Cowboys (-2.5) at Broncos: The Broncos' defense is nowhere near as impressive as their recent Super Bowl team, and their offense lacks quality aside from the wide receiver position. The Cowboys should be able to generate enough in the ground game to open up the field and score points.

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Redskins at Rams (-2.5): The Redskins were thoroughly unimpressive in their Week 1 loss to the Eagles. They couldn't run it, they couldn't throw it or catch it, and their defense gave up way too many third-down conversions. This is not a good team.

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49ers at Seahawks (-14): The 49ers' starting quarterback is Brian Hoyer.

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Packers at Falcons (-2.5): It took me until the next-to-last game on this week's picks to take an underdog, and I took the team that has the best football player on the planet. #Chalky.

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Lions at Giants (-2.5): During the playoffs after the 2016 regular season, Odell Beckham Jr. partied on a boat the week of the game, and then the Giants proceeded to get their asses handed to them by the Packers in the first round. In the Giants' first week back playing meaningful football once again, according to Page Six of the New York Post, Beckham had a dance-off with Russell Westbrook three days before a game he missed with a high-ankle sprain.

New York Giant Odell Beckham Jr. and Oklahoma City Thunder’s Russell Westbrook took things off the court and onto the dance floor Monday at Catch NYC’s sixth anniversary bash.

Spies tell us the football and basketball players had a dance battle as Wyclef Jean performed onstage...

Also there was David Blaine, who did card tricks for guests.

Lol.


• Picks against the spread: Patriots (-6.5), Bears (+7), Rams (-2.5), Packers (+2.5)
• 2017 season, straight up: 10-5 (.667)
• 2017 season, ATS: 2-1 (.667)
• 2016 season, straight up: 171-94-2 (.644)
• 2016 season, ATS:  41-34 (0.547)
• 2015 season, straight up: 163-93 (0.637)
• 2015 season, ATS: 46-30-2 (0.605)


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