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May 17, 2018

A thorough analysis of Becca Kufrin's 'Bachelorette' contestants

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Becca Kufrin ABC/The Bachelorette

Becca Kufrin, the next 'Bachelorette.'

"Bachelorette" season is upon us. The new season is set to premiere May 28, with Becca Kufrin looking for someone to sweep her off her feet after big doofus man Arie Luyendyk broke her heart and humiliated her on national television.

We already got a sneak peek of some of the contestants, as a few of them were introduced when Becca was announced as the next Bachelorette after the finale of "The Bachelor."

In a Facebook live video Thursday, host Chris Harrison previewed all 28 men — yes, 28 — competing this season for Becca. Being PhillyVoice's official "Bachelor" and "Bachelorette" correspondent, I have provided thorough analysis of them all.


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Also, there are a fair amount of contestants connected to the sports world. Being a devoted Philly sports fan, I didn't try to hide my bias whatsoever. Enjoy:

Alex

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Alex

Harrison correctly noted that Alex looks like Tom Brady. Let's hope he doesn't drop the ball with Becca like Brady did in the Super Bowl. (Thank you, thank you.)

Blake

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Blake

He's a horse guy, because we met him during the "Bachelor" finale when he rode in on a horse. According to Harrison, he rides another animal in to greet Becca on the first episode. Thing is, that animal can't be a step down from a horse like, say, a donkey. Maybe a camel? His animal choice will likely determine how far he gets with Becca.

Also, unbutton that top button, buddy.


Chase

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Chase

Harrison hinted at some "drama" on night one involving Chase. Maybe it's because of that open-shirt look. Button up those buttons, buddy.

Chris R.

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Chris R.

Already bored. Next.

Christian

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Christian

Looks like an older Dean with a real job who also has a heartwarming backstory (moved to the United States from Mexico with his mother as a child). Early favorite.

Christon

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Christon

I was all in on Christon, a former player with the Harlem Globetrotters who does very cool dunks on his Instagram page. That is, until I ran into this photo with Donovan Mitchell that reads: "[Mitchell] is the true definition of a rookie. Just sayin... you got my vote Brodie." That's clearly a shot at Sixers rookie Ben Simmons, the rightful rookie of the year. Christon is peddling the narrative that Simmons isn't a rookie because he sat out last season with an injury, which is ridiculous.

I hope Christon gets booted off the first night.

Clay

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Clay Harbor

I already wrote about this, but Clay is Clay Harbor, a former tight end who played with the Philadelphia Eagles. Harrison suggested that whether or not Harbor, currently a free agent, wishes to continue his playing career becomes a point of at least mild contention between him and Becca.

Anyway, always have to root for a former Eagle. Thinking he makes it to the final three. Go Birds.

Colton


NoneSan Diego Chargers/NFL

Colton Underwood

We don't have his "Bachelorette" photo here because this was at the point in the Facebook Live broadcast when Harrison had a passive aggressive meltdown about the graphics not working. Anyway, another NFL tight end! Colton is Colton Underwood, who was on the practice squad of the Chargers, Raiders and — again — the Eagles. He's also the former boyfriend of Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman

He's also the brother to country music singer Carrie Underwood. OK, that one's a lie. But it would make sense for him to be linked to another woman more accomplished and famous than him.

Connor

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Connor

Finally, the most common contestant occupation: fitness coach. But again, I have to say, BUTTON THE DANG BUTTONS, BUDDY.

Darius

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Darius

One of the guys we already met after the "Bachelor" finale, but he didn't have a gimmick like a horse. Harrison breezed right past him, which, for this show, seems like a death knell.

David

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

David

David arrives on night one in a chicken suit, according to Harrison. 
"There's never a reason to show up in a chicken suit, ever," Harrison said. Yes, there is, Chris. It's appearing on "The Bachelorette."

Garrett

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Garrett


HIS FACE IS VERY INTENSE.

Grant

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Grant

Is that...is that Rob Lowe?

Jake

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Jake

Jake is from Minnesota, and so is Becca. Minnesota is also home to the Vikings, who lost the NFC Championship to the Eagles, who went on to win the Super Bowl (Go Birds).

Oh, and according to Harrison, they have a past together, because apparently everyone in Minnesota knows each other.

Jason

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Jason

Harrison described Jason as a "good guy," which also sounds like a death knell for this show.

Jean Blanc

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Jean Blanc

Harrison mocked his profession of colognoisseuror someone who loves cologne, as not being a real job. I would do the same if it weren't for the fact that his name is Jean Blanc, which oddly fits perfectly with that occupation.

Joe

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Joe

He owns a grocery store, has a square jaw and the most blue-collar name imaginable. Joe should be running for Congress instead.

John

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

John

Harrison said he was arguably the "most successful guy" they've had on the show. Has he forgotten the tickle monster?

Jordan

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Jordan

He talks a lot about how hard it is to be a male model on the show, according to Harrison. Early favorite for most hateable.

Kamil

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Kamil

As my colleague and fellow "Bachelorette" fan, Marielle, pointed out, "social media participant" is, uh, not a job. That's like me listing "WiFi user" as my profession. At least put social media influencer like half the people on these shows usually do.

Leo

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Leo

Stuntman? PhillyVoice's Sinead, also a "Bachelorette fan," pointed out that if this dude doesn't make his night-one entrance lit on fire and jumping a motorcycle over a canyon, he will be a disappointment.

Lincoln

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Lincoln

He's the accent guy we already met after the "Bachelor" finale. Harrison described him in three words: "drama, drama, drama." Good to know Harrison will be relying heavily on the same handful of platitudes, once again, this season.

Mike

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Mike

Another sports guy! This time, it's Mike Renner, a writer for Pro Football Focus. Naturally, I will only judge him by the most recent thing he's said about the world champion Philadelphia Eagles.

Frig off, Mike.

Nick

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Nick

What is wrong with these people? ZIP UP THE JACKET, NICK, IT'S UNNECESSARY.

Rickey

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Rickey

A bow tie should mean automatic disqualification.

Ryan

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Ryan

Ah yes, banjo guy. Ryan showed up after the"Bachelor" finale and played a banjo for Becca. Because nothing is more romantic than an instrument synonymous with Willie Nelson, Andy from "The Office" and Kermit the Frog.

(By the way, at this point, Harrison noted that he "loves what we reduce everyone to," in reference to calling Ryan a "banjoist." This may be the most brutally self-aware statement Harrison has ever made about the show. A bunch of real human beings, boiled down to nothing more than their gimmick or their ability to produce drama.)

Trent

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Trent

Harrison said Trent gives Becca a "very interesting" gift on night one. By the looks of him, I assume that gift is a mayonnaise sandwich.

Wills

NoneThe Bachelorette/Facebook

Wills

I assume this is actually Will, who has a twin brother named Will, hence the plural, "Wills."

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