Over the last decade or so, I've been doing press box food spread reviews during my travels to road games around the NFL. And, well, I have an announcement to make. I'm retiring that bit. I've now been to every stadium in the NFL, reviewed every team, and at this point it's beginning to get a little repetitive, so it's time to hang up my fork, so to speak.

But, that's not before I rank every teams' spread, 32 to 1, which we'll do here. As always, if you're offended by a sportswriter playfully complaining about free food, shut up dweeb.

Disclaimer: This is easily the longest thing I've ever published, so my apologies in advance for that. If anyone actually reads this entire thing, (a) thank you, and also (b) what's wrong with you?

32) Jaguars

There was no worse spread in the NFL than Jacksonville's. Not even Dan Snyder could top their badness.

Pregame, the Jags had burgers, salad, potato salad, corn on the cob, baked beans, and apple cobbler. At halftime, they had bad tortilla chips with even worse chili and cheese. Seriously, this is gross:

And this is grosser: 

I tried the burger for journalistic purposes. It wasn't good. I even tried the chips and cheese. Awful. I'm not a baked beans guy, but even if I were, those bad boys are swimming in liquid grossness, as you can see above.

I like corn on the cob, but that is a bad choice for a work setting. To begin, it's messy to eat. You can't toggle back and forth between bites of the corn, and typing. But also, you can't be picking corn kernels out of your teeth in public. Corn on the cob is a food for your own home, a summer cookout, or, like, Chili's or something.

I'll also note that the Jaguars have the worst food setup in the league, not just the worst food. From the press box, you have to walk down a flight of stairs to get to the food area, which is fine, except the line has nowhere to go except up the stairs. A visual:

Why is that problematic? Several reasons:

1. Waiting in a line on stairs just sucks, so there's that. 
2. More importantly, you can't get a sneak preview of the food they have. Personally, I like to scan the options in its entirety so I can plan out what I want. That's not an option with this setup, as you'll look like a jerk if you just bypass everyone on the steps. Even if you don't care about being that jerk, that's probably not even an option during high-volume times, like halftime for example, as there's a steady stream of people going up and down the stairs, which aren't very wide.
3. If you take a panoramic pic of the setup, you get police officers looking at you like they want to taze you.

I've only covered one game in Jacksonville, which was a preseason game in 2019. After I reviewed their spread, I was told by a league source that my review was getting passed around the league a bit, and people were laughing at their spread. That prompted the Jags to have a long meeting with their press box catering company. I would say "You're welcome" to other media folks around the NFL who cover more games in Jacksonville than I have, but my understanding is that their spread hasn't improved much, though I can't confirm personally.

Non-food anecdote: I remember walking back to my hotel from the stadium after this preseason game, and finding a group of folks wearing Eagles jerseys that said "Thorson" on the back. They were obviously Clayton Thorson's parents and other family. Thorson was a rookie fifth-round pick, who had been struggling badly in training camp, but he was actually half-decent in that game, and they were happy.

I chatted them up, and when they learned that I was an Eagles reporter, they didn't quite directly ask how their kid was doing, but it seemed like that were kinda hinting at hearing some feedback, so I was like, "Uh, yeah, he's doing good," lol. For a moment I felt like a coordinator being asked how a clearly struggling player is doing during a press conference.

31) Browns

The Browns didn't serve coffee. 🤯

Like, the bare minimum thing that one can expect at literally any social function is the presence of coffee. Hell, if you go to somebody's house, more often than not, if they're not a socially inept monster, they'll say, "Would you like some coffee or water or something?"

To make sure that I'm not just some high-falutin snob, I polled my Twitter followers on whether or not they would be able to offer coffee to a guest in their home, regardless of whether or not they themselves actually drank coffee. There were around 3,000 responses, and almost 90 percent replied "yes."

The Cleveland Browns, who won't be confused for one of the best franchises in sports, but are an organization valued at over $6 billion nevertheless, DIDN'T OFFER COFFEE, despite hosting a hundred or so people working for 10 or more hours, many of whom were outside for extended periods of time in sub-40 degree, rainy weather.

I mean, again... 🤯.

And they even had a huge coffee machine there! They just... didn't serve coffee. As I stared longingly at the coffee machine in the food room, a kind press box worker named Gina informed me that they did have hot water, and she thought there was some instant coffee laying around in the back somewhere. 

I told her, "I'll take it!" So Gina found some Folgers and a Styrofoam cup, and brought it out. I took a plastic spoon, dug out some coffee grinds, and at least had something. Other reporters and press box workers noticed, and Gina suddenly had people lining up for a spoonful of instant coffee grossness.

As for the food that they served, I mean, who cares? THEY DIDN'T HAVE COFFEE. But in case you're wondering, they had pre-prepared bags filled with fruit, macaroni salad, chips, Grandma's chocolate chip cookies, and your choice of a turkey sandwich, ham and herb sandwich, or teriyaki chicken salad.

I got the turkey (shown above). It wasn't good, and I wondered if I made the wrong choice, not opting instead for the teriyaki chicken salad. I was comforted to overhear a Browns reporter refer to the salad as "wilted lettuce with some chicken on top."

Post-game, I wasn't even sure initially what they were serving. Whatever they were, curiously, they only had like four packages of them. I poked my head into the back room and asked, and was told that they were eggrolls that they were trying to get rid of.

Lol. So to recap:

1. No coffee.
2. And they were pawning off unwanted food like your Aunt Ruth used to do.

30) Ravens

The Ravens' review got off to a bad start earlier in the week before the Eagles played there, when we were informed that they did not have enough parking to meet the needs of the full Eagles media contingent. I was among those who did not make the cut, and was told that I had to pay for parking somewhere offsite. If I recall correctly, it was like 50 bucks, and I'd be parking about a half mile away in some casino. Weeeeaaaaaak.

Now, I know some of you may be thinking. "Poor wittle sportswriter, has pay for his parking. Whaaaaaah! 😭"

Well, actually, I didn't have to pay for it all. I expensed it. So the money aspect had no effect on me at all. Also, I enjoy walking, so the half mile trek to the stadium wasn't particularly bothersome. I wasn't like Kevin Malone threatening to quit if I couldn't park closer.

It's just a bad look to be the only team in the NFL that doesn't accommodate parking for visiting media. Like, again, Dan Snyder never even pulled that shit, at least during my time covering the NFL. This is the big leagues, Ravens. You're not some high school operation. Get your shit together. OK, so, whatever, no parking.

Pregame, the Ravens had hot dogs, some penne, meat lasagna, and some chicken dish, shown below:

And some cookies and brownies:

I had all of it.

It was all bad. HOWEVER... what the Ravens' food spread is really known for — like the state where they play — is their crabcakes, which are served at halftime. So at least there was that to look forward to. Except, when halftime rolled around, a loooooong line for the crabcakes formed, except, no crabcakes. They weren't ready in time. With the third quarter about to resume, the line for sportswriters hungry for crabcakes dissipated, and everyone went back to their seats.

It wasn't until about midway through the third quarter that the press box PA guy made an announcement that the crabcakes were ready. It went something like this:

"Three-yard run by Derrick Henry to the Baltimore 33, tackle by Zack Baun. Also, the crabcakes are now ready in the food area." Lol.

Postgame, upon the return to my car on like level 7 or 8 of some Baltimore casino, there was a massive traffic jam because 50 Cent had been performing there. It took like 45 minutes just to get out of my parking spot, much less the parking garage.

The only redeeming quality from the Ravens that day was that they had lemon-scented hand towels.

I did like those.

29) Bears

The Bears barely had anything at their spread. They served the following for breakfast, pregame, with a quick review of each thereafter: 

1. Belgian waffles: Cold, and awful.
2. O'Brien potatoes: Less awful than the waffles, but still bad.
3. Bacon: Decent-ish.
4. Sausage link: Cold and bad.
5. Scrambled eggs: No thank you.

My plate: 

While going back later for coffee, an anonymous Eagles employee approached me and said, "You better not complain about the Eagles' spread ever again," as they tossed their waffle into the trash. Personally, I do not like throwing food in the trash, but my waffle met the same fate as this anonymous Eagles employee's waffle about an hour earlier. It was maybe the worst waffle I've ever had.

Otherwise, they had no snacks whatsoever. No bags of pretzels, or chips, not even a big communal bowl of trail mix with the tongs that only grab like a piece or two at a time. Nothing.  

The Bears did have some interesting soda choices. They went with RC Cola instead of the usual Coke or Pepsi. They also had something called Squirt, which I had never heard of. (Note: Never tweet "I've never heard of Squirt," unless you want people laughing at your hypothetical sexual performance.)

Squirt is a grapefruit-flavored soda, and I am apparently in the minority among people who had never heard of it. It was actually pretty good, and a number of folks pointed out that it is a great mixer with tequila. I'll make a note to try that this summer.

At halftime, they served this:

I'm not 100 percent certain what one would call that. It wasn't a cheesesteak, because the meat wasn't shaved, and, you know, there was no cheese. I guess it was a Chicago Italian beef sandwich. Of course, if you google image "Chicago Italian beef sandwich," they look a lot more appetizing than whatever the Bears served.

It actually wasn't that bad. I ate the whole thing, (a) because I try not to waste food, and (b) they didn't have anything else, aside from some cookies.

Postgame, they had nothing.

I expect this kind of spread from a city like Jacksonville, but Chicago is a huge market, and a city known for its food, which makes the Bears' craptastic food spread effort all the more embarrassing.

Non-food anecdote: I enjoy walking to Soldier Field from my hotel whenever the Eagles play in Chicago. However, in 2022 I underestimated how cold Chicago is. It was like 10º, and my thought process was, "Meh, 10 degrees isn't bad. It's like 10 degrees in New Jersey often enough. I can handle that. I'll just bundle up."

Dumb. 10 degrees in Chicago, especially near the lake where Soldier Field is, is not the same as 10 degrees elsewhere. Wind comes off of the lake and it is like a million icicles piercing your soul. That was the most miserable two-mile walk of my life.

28) Steelers

On my drive from South Jersey to Pittsburgh the morning of the game, I purposely ate light (I packed one granola bar for the road), to ensure that I would be nice and hungry for the game. It was roughly a five-hour drive, and I even resisted the urge to grab a snack at the rest stop during my mid-way pee break.

That was dumb. Upon my arrival, I found that the Steelers had turkey and provolone, and... um, more turkey and provolone. So if you don't like turkey and provolone, you were just shit out of luck.

And even if you do like turkey and provolone like I do, it was really more like turkey-flavored bread, given the lack of meat within.

But not only that, the food boxes had an uneven amount of added treats inside. For example, my food box had two packages of Grandma's chocolate chip cookies (a sub-par cookie, by the way), while Mike Kaye (then of NJ.com) didn't get any. Ace Rothstein would not approve.

I gave Mike one of my packages of cookies, because that's the kind of caring soul that I am.

The Steelers might be getting a little screwed in their placement on this list, because the Eagles played there during the 2020 COVID season, and all the spreads sucked that year.

They had crappy hot dogs, and after the game personal pizzas, which were OK. However, they had one fatal flaw. They turned the coffee machines off after the game. 😱

BOOOOOOOOO!!! That is a no-no just generally speaking, but it is especially egregious for a game that is drivable for the opposing press corps. A dark, rainy drive on the horrific two-lane, endlessly winding PA Turnpike loaded with 18-wheelers becomes even more unenjoyable without coffee.

Non-food anecdote: After this game, I was filmed running the wrong way up a long escalator. I couldn't find the video, unfortunately. If there are sleuths out there who can, let me know and I'll add it. I think Mike Kaye shot it. Anyway, that day my regular jeans were unavailable, so I had to wear stretch jeans that I had accidentally shrunk a bit in the wash. They were a little more snug than normal, and folks in the comment section here made fun of me for a while about them. Remember that, y'all? It kind of reminded me of this...

Will Ferrell and Jimmy Fallon would be jealous. I lived that for real, yo. People actually did talk about my tight pants. NBD 💁‍♂️.

27) 49ers

Like the Steelers above, the only recent year the Eagles played the Niners out west was the COVID year. For all I know, their spread might normally be better.

I walked to Levi's Stadium from my hotel with high hopes, as a relatively new stadium usually means a quality food spread. Upon arrival, about three and a half hours before kickoff, I arrived to find popcorn, water, and ooooh, ice cream. That's promising. More specifically, they had Nestle Dibs, and Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars. If you're unfamiliar with Dibs, they're little bite-sized pieces of ice cream coated in Nestle's Crunch. They sound better than they actually are. I should have gone with the Häagen-Dazs bar. Bad job by me. I'll be better next time.

They also had trail mix, cotton candy, and popcorn. Pass, pass, and pass. I would have tried the trail mix, but Les Bowen called it the worst trail mix he has ever had. I cannot vouch for Les' authority on trail mix, but he seemed pretty passionate about that proclamation.

For their pre-game meal, the Niners had turkey club and roast beef sandwiches on long rolls, as well as a Cobb salad and a southwest salad. Meh. I took the turkey club. They had obviously all been pre-made and pulled out of the fridge, because everything on the sandwich, including the bacon, was cold, as were the accompanying chips and cookie.

Apparently, some people like cold bacon, and actually prefer it to hot, crispy bacon? If you're one of them... How? Why? What went wrong in your lives? Anyway, I took a bite of the cold bacon, just to give it a chance, aaaaand... gross.

The sandwich construction was also bad. For example, the folded-over, overlapping turkey slices is no bueno. 

To begin, you get an uneven amount of turkey on each bite. On the edges, it's like, "Yo goober, where's the meat?"

My turkey preference is to peel each slice individually, and then jam them into the sandwich unfolded, and distributed evenly throughout, like you're rushing to pack a suitcase to catch a flight on the way home from vacation.

At halftime and post-game, they had nothing. 

But most importantly, at every stadium, like most sports reporters, I like to sample a little urinal water. The Niners don't allow that.

Libs trying to take away guns, freedom, and urinal water, smh.

Non-food anecdote: My apologies if I'm offending any readers from Santa Clara, but there is shockingly little there. Why did they put this stadium there?

26) Commanders

The Commanders used to have one of the worst spreads in the NFL under Dan Snyder. Maybe second-worst, behind only Jacksonville. They had food that looked like this:

I happened to post that picture on Twitter, and a reader made the astute, yet horrifying observation that my chicken seemed to have a face on it.

I think it looks like some combination of a rooster, Jabba the Hutt, and the baby dinosaur from Dinosaurs.

And what was hilarious about the Dan Snyder-era spreads was that everyone was given a ticket, which you had to hand in to enter the food spread area. This prevented people from going back for seconds. Bitch, I didn't even want firsts.

Under Josh Harris, it's merely below average, which is a big step up. 

Pregame the Commanders typically have a crappy breakfast, like scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon, and pancakes as breakfast offerings. 

Under Harris, at least the food seems semi-fresh. Under Snyder, it felt like you were eating food that he personally injected with COVID and farts.

They have also since added a candy section. Not pictured are individual wrapped LifeSavers. Like, Wint-O-Green or Pep-O-Mint. That's actually a great inclusion, and should be mandatory in every press box so reporters' stank-ass breaths are a little fresher during postgame interview scrums.

Non-food anecdote: The vantage point from the press box at Northwest Stadium (formerly FedEx Field) is by far the worst in the NFL. You can't see what is happening on one side of the field. But it's made worse when there's some jabroni siting in front of the press box, holding up a sign and blocking your already awful view.

Nobody cares about or can even see whatever your stupid sign says, you moron. I did knock on the window and kindly asked him to stop holding up his sign during plays, but he ignored me. I do take solace in knowing that that guy had an absolutely terrible day watching the NFC Championship Game, and an even worse time watching the 2025 Commanders.

25) Jets

Pregame they served sandwiches (turkey, roast beef, Italian, and tuna salad) and vegetable wraps. 

I grabbed an Italian sandwich, and to my dismay I found that they had slathered mayonnaise on it. Why? Does the guy/gal who made these sandwiches really like mayonnaise and assume that everyone else does as well? Maybe I like mustard. Maybe I like oil and vinegar. Can we not just make some condiment packets available and people can dress up their sandwiches they way that they like them?

They also had some nasty looking hot dogs and tater tots.

I didn't dare touch the hot dogs, but I tried the tots. They were mushy. Not pictured: A bowl of tortilla chips, kettle chips, and a couple trays of vegetables. They also had some cookies:

I happened to be present when the Jets served the cookies, so I was able to get a picture of the full tray. There are around 60 cookies there, and I'm like 90% sure they didn't have reinforcements. With a couple hundred people in the press box, those 60 cookies will get wiped out in half a heartbeat, especially when the other food isn't good. I had a snickerdoodle, and when I went back for seconds sure enough that tray above had been picked clean.

At halftime the Jets served chicken, pasta, bread, and soup. The soup was OK. The chicken was tough, and the pasta was bad. The Jets did redeem themselves a bit with this impressive candy/snack selection. (You can also see my plate of chicken and pasta below, in front of the Swedish Fish)

In case you can't see all of that, they had a couple of different bags of popcorn, Swedish Fish, Sour Patch Kids, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey bars, Kit Kats, Hershey bars with almonds, Skittles, Reese's Pieces, and Hershey Kisses.

If I were to do a power ranking of those candies, it would look like so:

1. Skittles 🐐
2. Reese's Pieces
3. Kit Kat
4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
5. Hershey Kisses
6. Swedish Fish
7. Hershey bar
8. Sour Patch Kids
9. Hershey bar with almonds

When Swedish Fish can't even crack the top half of a list, that's a pretty impressive selection of candies.

If the above spread were to be found in Jacksonville or Cincinnati or some other small market team I might expect a spread like the one above, but I find it hard to be forgiving of an owner in the biggest market in the country. Maybe take a break from bootlicking a criminal and shell out for a respectable spread. Like, have some pride, man.

Non-food anecdote: Unpopular opinion: The J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS is better than the Eagles' chant. You can hear it crisply and cleanly from outside the stadium. (Ducks)

24) Titans

Pregame, the Titans had a BLT salad, country mustard potato salad, coleslaw, hickory smoked brisket, BBQ pulled chicken, seasonal mixed veggies, and brownies. At halftime, it was more of the same.

Postgame, they had a pathetic-looking setup that included a small tray of wraps, and a half dozen or so bags of snacks, shown here:

Man, what a sad, lonely group of wraps and chips.

For a city with so many outstanding restaurants and signature dishes like "hot chicken," for example, this was one of the lamer press box spreads you'll see. The hickory smoked brisket was OK, I guess, but two things there:

1. It didn't come remotely close to any of the other food I had on the outside while in Nashville.
   
2. They served it at like 10 a.m. Who would ever normally eat brisket at 10 a.m.?
   

Postgame, one of the other Philly reporters (who I'll leave nameless) took one of the wraps to go, which prompted me to suggest he just pass on that, and then eat actual good food somewhere else after he leaves the stadium, to which this reporter remarked, "Oh, I'll try it, but trust me, this wrap already has one foot in the trash can."

Non-food anecdote: If you stay downtown and walk to the game, it's super fun strolling over the bridge (over the Cumberland River) to the stadium. 

23) Cardinals

Like the 49ers, the Cardinals have a stadium that's a bit of a drive from main city in its region. They did not serve breakfast. Instead they had an early lunch, consisting of brisket, chicken thighs, corn on the cob, grits, cheddar biscuits, and a salad bar. My plate:

You already know from my Jaguars review above what I think about corn on the cob in the press box. I'm surprised a piece made it onto my plate. Otherwise, the brisket was a smidge overcooked, in my opinion, but I do always appreciate the extra effort of a carving station. 

Bo Wulf of The Athletic pointed out that the Cardinals did not have any snacks, like chips, pretzels, popcorn, cookies, etc., which is pretty much a given in any press box. They did have mini cheesecakes, which were fine, but again, nothing to just casually snack on during the game.

I think that during games I've just taken for granted that there are always snacks. I never realized how much I missed them when they were gone.

Also, they had ice cream, but for like the first 6 or so hours after they served lunch, they kept a blanket over the ice cream bin, and they didn't make it available until halftime.

Like, WTF is that? I'm an adult. Why are the Cardinals deciding for me when I can and can't have my ice cream?

And if you're going to eventually serve the ice cream, and least keep it in a back room somewhere. Don't have it featured prominently in the press box with a blanket over it, lol. We can all see that it's ice cream! Does the blanket mean "No!"?

At halftime, in addition to the ice cream, they had hot dogs resting in a half inch of hot dog juice.

The general rule of thumb for press box food spreads is, the better the stadium, the better the spread. The Cardinals were an exception. Good stadium, disappointing spread. That's kind of unacceptable, in my opinion.

Non-food anecdote: At Eagles-Chiefs Super Bowl I, on my ride down from the press box to the locker rooms after the game, Cardinals owner Michael Bidwell happened to take the same elevator as me. Someone in the elevator remarked to Bidwell about how first class the entire Super Bowl experience was. So Bidwell, in Dave Chappelle nerdy white guy voice, goes, "It was a victory not just for the Chiefs, but for the state of Arizona," like he was some political figure who was asked to give an official quote or something. And then there was just awkward silence on the elevator for the rest of the ride.

22) Chiefs

Kansas City has two major professional sports teams — the Chiefs and the Royals — and their stadium setup is kinda similar to Philadelphia's in that they're right next to each other. On a Monday night game the traffic around the stadium is an absolute nightmare, and there isn't much in the way of police or parking guys/gals to shepherd folks to their intended lots. 

If you take an Uber or Lyft to Arrowhead, it's, uhhh, a shitshow. You don't get dropped off at the stadium. Instead, you get dropped off at a Taco Bell and an adjoining BP gas station near the stadium. You can see the Taco Bell on the right side of the image below:

From there you're walking to the media entrance, which of course is on the opposite side of the stadium. If you'll recall, the Eagles-Chiefs game had heavy rain at times leading up to kickoff. Along the walk to the stadium from the Taco Bell, there was a grassy/muddy hill. I'd say it was about 30-40 feet long, and just steep enough that if you're wearing dress shoes with compromised traction you have a decent enough chance of slipping and falling on your ass in the mud, at which point your entire night is ruined.

20) Saints

New Orleans is very fun, and the location of the stadium is right by the fun areas of the city, but it is also an outdated dump.

Anyway, the Saints had the following, pre-game:

• Fresh fruit

• Yogurt dipping sauce

• Carved pecan smoked beef brisket with chipotle orange BBQ sauce

• Salmon La Louisianne (Roasted salmon topped with blackened shrimp and creole beurre blanc)

• Wild rice pilaf

• Roasted jumbo asparagus, red pepper, and vidalia onions

• Dinner rolls with butter

• Assorted cheesecakes

They also had a small candy dispenser with Skittles (🐐), M&Ms, and Peanut M&Ms. 

And finally, they have Tostitos with a nacho cheese dispenser. 

You couldn't pay me to eat that nacho cheese from a dispenser when I have to work a game for the next 9 hours.

I should note that they made the spread available at like 9:00 a.m. CST, which is pretty early for brisket and salmon. I had the brisket, and some rice. 

The brisket was OK. The BBQ sauce was good.

At halftime, they had hotdogs that were not uniform in color, which to me was an immediate red flag. They also had a vat of chili that some beats mistook for baked beans. Needless to say, that didn't look appetizing either. Eliot Shorr-Parks of WIP tried a hotdog. "It was fine," said ESP. "Very average. A little rubbery." I don't know how "rubbery" = "fine," but whatever.

A Saints media guy overheard our conversation, and said, "Yeah, don't eat the hotdogs." He requested anonymity. 

They also had some frozen ice cream bar options, which I appreciated. I opted for a Drumstick. I also had a chocolate chip cookie that was dusted with powdered sugar.

In theory, I like the idea of dusting almost anything sweet with a little powdered sugar, but the cookie kinda sucked. There was no putting lipstick on that pig.

I think there's an assumption that if it's a good food city, then the press box food will be really good as well. Like the Titans spread above, the Saints don't match their city's cuisine.

Non-food anecdote: If Washington is the worst press box to actually watch a game, the Superdome is a close second-worse. To begin, you are WAY up in the rafters. The players look like ants. But worse, they absolutely BLAST brain-rattling music for hours before kickoff, like, even before fans enter the stadium. Knock that shit off, Saints. I'm trying to prewrite my Eagles inactives, which like eight people read.

19) Lions

The Lions didn't serve breakfast, but they did have a whole heaping mess of pasta out at the crack of 10 a.m. They had:

1. Salad, with sliced tomatoes and mozzarella
2. Lemon garlic roasted green beans
3. Bolognese and cavatappi pasta
4. Roasted garlic grilled chicken, with alfredo and penne pasta
5. Parmesan garlic Texas toast
6. Assorted dessert bars

I had the Bolognese and cavatappi pasta and the chicken with the alfredo and penne pasta. I also had a piece of Texas toast, obviously, and a cookies and cream dessert bar.

The Texas toast was basically like a garlic-flavored piece of cardboard. I ate it anyway. On my way back to the trashcan to dispose of my empty plate, I saw a number of plates that had one bite taken out of the Texas toast, and an empty plate otherwise. It's pretty hard to mess up garlic bread, but they did.

The chicken with the alfredo pasta was OK. The Bolognese, not as much, and I'm a Bolognese guy. According to a report from Jeff McLane of the Inquirer, they cleared the entire pregame spread at like 12:30 p.m., so if you didn't get there by then, you were just kind of screwed. The regular spread was replaced with hot dogs. They even took away the dessert bars. Why? That doesn't make any sense. If you're the type who likes to eat your meal, and then go back for dessert if there's still room, you may have gone back eager for a cookies and cream bar, only to find... hot dogs?

At halftime, they had nachos and cheese whiz. That's a hard pass from me. And frankly it's kind of funny to me that you have to go through all sorts of COVID protocols just to get into the building, and then once inside, they're serving a giant open vat of germ-catching cheese that a hundred or so people are taking turns ladling onto their plates. 

E.J. Smith of the Philadelphia Inquirer was annoyed that there was so much cheese. 

"It was so cheese-focused," Smith said. "I might even call it lazy. Don’t want cheesy pasta with red sauce? How about some Fettuccini Alfredo instead? If you’re insistent on avoiding dairy, you can have a salad and some rock-hard Texas toast. I held out for the halftime spread and was rewarded with CHEESE WHIZ AND TORTILLA CHIPS. Part of it is my own fault for trying to eat healthy in the press box, but still."

I could see if we were in Green Bay, and they served a lot of cheese-related dishes, because that's kind of their thing? But in Detroit, I have to say that I agree with E.J. here.

I did enjoy a little pregame warm apple cider, an odd but welcomed offering. That probably saved them from being further back in the rankings. 

You know, most people don’t know the difference between apple juice and apple cider. If it’s clear and yella, you’ve got juice there fella. If it’s tangy and brown, you’re in cider town.

After the game, they had pulled chicken sandwiches, wrapped in tin foil. They weren't good, but I ate one anyway, and then just felt bad about myself.

Non-food anecdote: I remember covering a Thanksgiving game here in 2015, and the Lions absolutely obliterated the Eagles. Calvin Johnson in particular just did whatever he wanted all day against poor Eric Rowe. The Lions scored six TDs, and playing their fight song after each one:

By the end of the game, ESP and I had that song memorized and were singing along.

18) Patriots

Upon arrival, a coffee would've been nice, but, nope. The Patriots didn't serve anything until around like 2:30-ish, I think(?), or two hours before a 4:30 kickoff. Demerits for that.

The pregame options were:

1. "Doms' steak tips"
2. Rosemary roasted chicken breast
3. Mac and cheese
4. Mashed potatoes
5. Vegetables
6. New England clam chowder

My plate:

The steak tips were good, and the chicken didn't look very good but it was fine. The mac and cheese and mashed potatoes... 👎. I didn't even see the clam chowder, as it was hidden in the corner, but Ed Kracz of SI said it was "legit." 

At halftime they had wraps and sandwiches. They also had ice cream and pie, as well as some cupcakes that looked very good, but also very fattening.

It's funny to me that on each of the four peanut butter (?) cupcakes there's a broken pretzel on top. I guess they had no intact pretzels? I just had a scoop of ice cream.

Postgame, by the time we got back to the press box from postgame locker room access, they had a bunch of empty pizza boxes, and this one unwanted mystery pizza:

The red things weren't pepperoni, and the gray things weren't mushrooms. I wasn't sure what they were, nor were the folks in the general vicinity who I polled. OF COURSE that was the only pizza that was left, by the way, because, I mean, who would choose that? Oh, and no postgame coffee.

I will say in the Patriots' defense, they have hosted the Eagles for joint practices a few times in my tenure covering the team, and provided the away media with a food spread. That's much appreciated. The Eagles hosted joint practices with the Browns last year and provided nothing for their reporters.

Non-food anecdote: Gillette Stadium is in the middle of nowhere.

I live in South Jersey, and it's about 20 miles from my house to Lincoln Financial Field in Philly. When the Eagles play at home on Sunday, I can typically commute there in 30 minutes or less. And that's driving into a major American city. If you've ever attended a Patriots game in Foxborough, you probably already know it's a nightmare. I stayed in Providence, RI (roughly 24 miles away), and left at around 11:15 for a 4:30 kickoff, anticipating major headaches and trying to get in early to avoid them. The first 20 or so miles up I-95 were fine. But once you get off 95, there's only one county road to and from the stadium. 

A map of this shitshow of a stadium location:

It took me like half a half hour to drive the ~24 miles from Providence to a point where I only had like a half-mile to go, and then about an hour from that point until my car was in a parking spot. There's virtually no signage of where to go / what lots are where, you'll sit at individual traffic lights for literally for 5-10 minutes (like, they're just red for that long), and the folks directing traffic are pretty much overwhelmed. And again, I got to this point of the drive at like 11:45, almost five hours before a 4:25 kickoff! I didn't get to the press box until almost 1:00. I can only imagine what it's like if you arrive an hour or two before kickoff. You'll almost certainly miss some of the game.

There's no other stadium like this in the NFL. Like, even FedEx field, which is also in the middle of nowhere and is awful in countless ways, is at least relatively easy to get to.

Anyway, if you ever go to a Pats game, get there suuuuuuper early. Also, plan on not being able to leave for a long time post-game.

17) Dolphins

Here were the Dolphins' offerings, which I'll just show via their spelling and grammar error-riddled menu:

Rosated sallots!

Most teams will offer breakfast for a 1:00 p.m. game. The Dolphins only had lunch, and they didn't make it available until 11:00 a.m. Not noted on the above menu was a key lime pie display.

Also not noted was a carving station, which was some kind of pork. Oddly, they didn't serve that at the same time as the rest of the pregame spread. That came out at around noon.

They also had chicken wings at halftime, and little individual pizzas after the game was over.

Pregame, I had the chicken (that was ok), and the scalloped potatoes gratin (good). I also had the carving station pork, but instead of having a thick piece, I asked if they would just give me the shavings that had sort of fallen off while cutting other pieces. The shavings just sit there and soak up the juice, and in my view, are the prize of the carving station setup. In fact, a Dolphins reporter behind me in line stole my idea. Poser. Here was my pork plate, with bread:

I did not try the meatloaf or the key lime pie. Bo Wulf of PHLY said he only had two bites of the meatloaf before calling it quits.

"It had a weird crunch to it when there shouldn't have been a crunch," Wulf said. "The key lime pie was good, though."

Eliot Shorr-Parks of 94.1 WIP thought the meatloaf was good, even though it had "a plastic-like texture." Shorr-Parks accused Wulf of being "a meatloaf snob."

At halftime, I had the wings, which generally speaking, are a terrible idea for a work environment, unless that's your "thing," like they are in Buffalo. That said, they were really good! The pizza at the end of the game was not.

The Dolphins' setup is bad. It sort of snakes around into the seating area.

Overall, the Dolphins didn't have many options, and not having any breakfast foods hurts them. They were hit and miss on the things they did serve.

Non-football anecdote: When leaving this stadium I was walking in the direction of where I thought I could grab an Uber, until I was stopped by a security guard, who advised me that I not go that way, or I'd get mugged.

Uh, come again?

He repeated once again that if I continued the direction I was heading that I would get mugged. I thought he was kidding, and when I noted that while I'm not exactly a black belt, prospective ne'er-do-wells wouldn't know that, and would likely to leave me alone, since I'm like 6'3, 210. To which he replied, "No dude, you'll get mugged."

OK fine. So they gave me a ride in a golf cart to an Uber pick-up area in the other direction.

I still kinda think they were just messing with me.

16) Bengals

The last time the Eagles played in Cincinnati was in 2016. I started writing these press box food spread reviews in 2018, so this is a rare team that I have never reviewed. Bengals ownership has the reputation for being extremely cheap, so my expectations coming in were low.

To my surprise, the Bengals came out of the gate hot, serving breakfast and lunch at like 10 a.m. 

They had salads:

1. Green salad with assorted dressings
2. Creamy pasta salad
3. Fruit salad

And breakfast (they called it brunch):

1. Spinach and cheddar frittatas
2. Turkey sausage
3. Bacon
4. Biscuits and gravy
5. Cinnamon rolls

It's funny to me that the Bengals listed the cinnamon rolls with it's "breakfast" offerings, and not with the desserts. That got me wondering which NFL cities had the highest obesity rates, and yep, Cincinnati was near the top. To my surprise, Philly wasn't in the top half of the league for obesity 💪. From fattest to fittest:

1. New Orleans
2. Dallas
3. Detroit
4. Nashville
5. Cincinnati
6. Indianapolis
7. Cleveland
8. Kansas City
9. Houston
10. Charlotte
11. Phoenix
12. Las Vegas
13. Milwaukee (subbing in for Green Bay)
14. Atlanta
15. Baltimore
16. Philadelphia
17. Los Angeles
18. Tampa
19. Pittsburgh
20. Jacksonville
21. Washington, D.C.
22. Miami
23. Chicago
24. New York
25. San Francisco
26. Minneapolis
27. Denver
28. Boston (representing the Patriots)
29. Seattle

Anyway, continuing on, they also had a lot of pasta:

1. Tortellini with spinach, garlic, roasted tomatoes, and olive oil
2. Gemelli pasta with basil, pomodoro
3. Bruschetta chicken
4. Beef meatballs with red sauce and pesto
5. Garlic bread sticks (not pictured below)

And desserts:

1. Cannoli
2. Assorted cookies
3. Brookies
4. Smartfood (bagged popcorn)

Again, they rolled all of the above out at the same time early in the morning. This overload of food led to some oddball plates of breakfast and lunch foods, like mine. I came in hungry, and ate a hell of a lot of food, pregame. 

For those of you scoring at home, that's two different kinds of pasta, a meatball, chicken, bacon, a sugar cookie, a cannoli, a cinnamon bun, and a brookie. The general verdict is that it was all just basically OK-ish. The MVP was the meatball, so I made a specialty meatball biscuit with cheese shavings sandwich.

My meatball biscuit creation was actually really good. Serve those 👆, Bengals.

I ate almost all of it except for like half of the cinnamon bun, which was good, but I simply had no room left in my body for it. I also gave my brookie to NJ.com's Bob Brookover (AKA "Brookie"), because they ran out and he wanted to bring one home as a memento. I'm very kind.

At halftime, they had Skyline Chili and some very sus hotdogs. 

Pass.

Some good, some bad, some really unhealthy. But better than expected, at least in terms of volume and variety.

15) Eagles

The Eagles used to have a top 10 type of spread, but they have settled into middle-of-the-pack territory.

Generally speaking, I arrive at games pretty early. Like, usually four hours before kickoff. On the road, it's rare that the food spread is set up when I arrive, and in many cases they don't make food available until 1.5 or 2 hours before kickoff. The Eagles' spread is always humming by the time I get there.

On Sunday, for 1:00 p.m. kickoffs, and I think (?) sometimes for 4:25 kicks, the Eagles serve breakfast. A common sampling:

1. Sausage biscuits with gravy
2. Scrambled eggs
3. Bacon and sausage
4. Fresh fruit
5. Hotel-style bagel station

They also have an omelet station, sometimes.

A staple is their snacky treat table, which includes soft pretzels, bags of Frito Lay chips (like Doritos, for example), popcorn, some bottled juices (apple juice, orange juice, cranberry juice), assorted Dunkin Donuts, mixed nuts, and muffins.

The soft pretzels are always good.

At halftime, the Eagles always chicken fingers. They are very hit and miss — sometimes burnt, sometimes maybe even a little undercooked (but not like in a dangerous way), less commonly just right.

Postgame, they typically have strombolis drying out under a heat lamp, and some desserts.

In addition to the food, the Eagles have a gift sitting at everyone's place in the press box when they arrive, which is a nice touch. In past years, the gifts weren't anything special, and oftentimes weren't even worthy of bringing home. But in recent years they have stepped up their gift game. For example:

The bottle opener is particularly useful. Because I'm a "BIG J" journalist and don't like owning things with Eagles logos on them, those are all getting thrown into a shoebox and gifted to my sister for Christmas.

14) Broncos

The Broncos served breakfast and lunch before the 2:25 p.m. Mountain Standard Time kickoff, which I'd never experienced. Anyway, they served a "Continental Breakfast," which included fruit, yogurt, granola, muffins, and pastries.

For lunch, they had the following (descriptions theirs):

1. Classic steak house Caesar salad
2. House garden salad
3. Honey glazed ham with Brussel sprouts and sweet potato fries
4. Oven roasted carved turkey breast with green bean casserole and creamy mashed potatoes
5. Potato leak soup

I had the turkey and mashed potatoes. The turkey was OK; the mashed potatoes were bad. They were chunky, but not in a good way.

They also had some assorted granola bars and other snacks (we'll call it the hippie station), which I feel was appropriately on brand for Denver.

For dessert, they had cookies, muffins, and apple pie.

I had a sugar cookie and a chocolate chip cookie. They were both fine. Eagles beat writer cookie expert Tim McManus of ESPN gave the sugar cookie a 6.5 out of 10. He lamented its hardness, and felt that sugar cookies should have some level of softness. That's the correct take, in my opinion, and why McManus is trusted league-wide as a reliable cookie narrator.

I did not have the apple pie, but Ed Kracz of SI did. He was neutral on it.

"There's really nothing, Jimmy, that makes it stand out, or set it apart from many apple pies that I've had in my life," Kracz said. "But it's good. It's solid. It's not warm; it's refrigerated. I prefer it warm, but it has a nice topping to it, very cinnamonny, and very crunchy, so I'll give it props there, but nothing really outstanding."

Yes, I interviewed Ed, and transcribed that.

At halftime, they had hot dogs, brats, and chicken wings. I had the wings. They were dry.

Postgame, they had pizza (plain and pepperoni). It was burnt.

Also, this is where I'll note that Bo Wulf of PHLY demanded that it be made known that he got a mouthful of coffee grinds in his mouth while caffeinating. He was not happy about it.

Overall, I appreciated the effort that went into the Broncos' spread, and if you're into eating healthy-ish food (relatively speaking, anyway) at a football game, this is the place.

13) Raiders

I arrived at like 8:45 a.m. PST, more than four hours before kickoff, and breakfast was already being served. A great start! They had:

1. You choice of western scrambled eggs or a western tofu scramble with corn, black beans, and pico de gallo.
2. Breakfast sausage and black pepper bacon
3. French toast bake

A look:

They also had a dessert station setup, again, that they began serving before 9:00 a.m., that included: 

1. Philly cheesecake bars
2. Shoofly pie
3. Root beer float push pop
4. Butterscotch Budino cups
5. Eagles and Raiders cookies
6. Chocolate pizza

Very nice variety and setup:

The Raiders made a point to serve Philly foods, or at least what they thought were Philly foods, like the "Philly cheesecake bars." I associate cheesecake with New York, but whatever. They also had "Philly dogs," which were hot dogs that you could cover with cheesesteak meat mixed with peppers and onions. That doesn't exist in Philly, much less nature. Or at least it shouldn't. I feel like someone just made that up. Anyway, we'll get back to the Philly food theme in a minute. 

The cheesecake was good. I also got a Butterscotch Budino cup and Eagles/Raiders cookies. I felt the need to get one of each so as to remain impartial.

And then on top of all that, the Raiders also had one of the most unique press box items I've seen... Chilled coconuts!

And sure, why not? Candy, too.

Again, to make this point clear, this was all served before 9:00 a.m. The Raiders were off to a good start!

Prior to kickoff, I wondered if they would pull the breakfast foods out and serve lunch. They did not, but they did have a new set of lunch foods at halftime, which included:

1. Mac and cheese
2. Cheesesteaks
3. Roasted zucchini and yellow squash

The mac and cheese was where the wheels started to come off. Bleh.

Its flavor was on par with its visual appeal. 

The cheesesteaks looked gross. I snapped a pic, but it's too blurry to show. That's my bad. I'll be better next time. But it brings me back to a point that I've made repeatedly in these press box food spreads. DON'T SERVE WHAT THE OTHER TEAM'S CITY IS KNOWN FOR. YOU WON'T DO IT AS WELL AS THAT CITY, AND IT'S SILLY TO TRY. Just do what you do.

Anyway, Raiders breakfast, great! Raiders lunch, not great.

After the game, the Raiders didn't serve anything and they kinda rushed us out of there as we were trying to write our postgame stories.

The Las Vegas Raiders' spread was a great representation of their city — all showy and exciting at first, with decreasing appeal the longer you stay.

12) Giants

The Giants often have a pasta station. "Ayyyy, we got some pasta ova here," a North Jersey caricature usually says in my head. 🤌

Example here:

I love a pasta skillet. And here's what they were cooking up at the last Eagles-Giants game: 

• Cheese ravioli: Brown butter, English peas, and crispy pancetta.

• Rigatoni: San Marzano tomato sauce, fresh basil, ricotta, and mozzarella.

Side note: My personal “Most common things I see on a menu that I constantly have to Google because I never remember what they are” power rankings:

1. Pancetta
2. Crostini
3. Shallot
4. Remoulade
5. Tarragon

In addition to the pasta, the Giants served the following sides: 

• Meatballs
• Sausage and peppers
• Penne vodka
• Caesar salad
• Assorted dinner rolls
• Fried arancini with pesto aioli

I had a plate of each. First, the rigatoni, and some sides:

The rigatoni was good. The meatballs and sausage... Eh. I went back for more rigatoni, and I felt like I had to try the ravioli as well. Plate No. 2:

The ravioli was good, too, however, eating a lot of fatigue-inducing pasta probably isn't the best choice for a working sports reporter who has to make a very late drive home, likely not getting home until around 2:30 a.m. Also, let's stop trying to make peas a thing. If you're thinking, "Give peas a chance," no. Stop it. Peas suck. Anyway, small gripe there.

They also had assorted sandwiches:

• Cherry wood-smoked turkey, oven roasted tomatoes, spring mix, lemon thyme aioli.

• Imported ham, pepperoni, hot soppressata, provolone cheese, romaine lettuce, and balsamic glaze.

• Mozzarella, tomatoes, baby arugula, radicchio, basil, EVOO, balsamic reduction, French baguette.

• Chicken cutlet, mozzarella.

They're good. I had the chicken cutlet sandwich.

At halftime, the Giants served chicken fingers and waffle fries. I some some of each:

My chicken finger analysis: Meh. However, as you can see from my plate, they also had a lot of good candy options, assorted cookies, and cake pops. Here were the candy options:

Really nice job by whoever picked out those candies. (Golf clap.)

The Giants typically have a solid B-level spread.

11) Vikings

The Eagles' last trip to Minny was a 12:00 p.m. CST game, so they served breakfast. The Vikings had a visually impressive spread. To begin, they had an omelet station:

The omelet station had the following fixins: 

• Goat cheese
• Cheddar cheese
• Swiss cheese
• Spinach
• Mushroom
• Red onion
• Jalapeño 
• Peppers
• Tomatoes
• Ham
• Bacon 
• Sausage

All the fixins looked super fresh, and visually appealing: 

Kenny Powers would appreciate all the fixins.

However, the omelet ordering process was a mess. Jeff McLane of the Inquirer noted that you told a waitress of sorts your choice of fixins, and then they made them, one at a time at two different stations. Unless you were one of the first people in line, it was widely reported by several media folks that it took about 15 minutes to get your omelet.

If you're at a diner and sitting at a table, chatting with a friend or loved one, maybe reading all the ads on your placemat, 15 minutes is still kinda slow, but acceptable. In a press box setting, reporters have work to do. Some of us are writing pregame, some have on-field video shots, some have radio guest spots, etc. Standing and waiting 15 minutes for an omelet is, uhhh, not ideal.

But also, because you've already given your order, you kinda can't bail on your omelet because they're already going to make it. You're locked in. To just walk away would be a waste of food and disrespectful to the people making it.

"It was a helpless feeling," WIP's Eliot Shorr-Parks said. Lol.

In addition to the omelets, the Vikings had some fresh fruit some fancy bread, and some other more basic breakfast foods. Again, the presentation of the fresh fruit was well done.

I'm not a big omelet guy, but if I were, I sure as hell wasn't waiting 15 minutes for one. I had a plate of the more basic breakfast stuff.

That was all fine.

At halftime, they had hot dogs on Apu Nahasapeemapetilon-style rollers.

I like a hot dog roller. Again, that's about as visually appealing as you're going to make a hot dog look. 

They also had three different flavors of wings (they were OK), and some desserts. The desserts were — you guessed it — visually impressive.

They were fine, I guess? Personally, I'd just prefer a chocolate chip cookie or some soft serve ice cream. Sometimes, less is more. 

Growing up, we all had that one aunt at Christmas time (or fill in your holiday of choice) who would have a few gifts for you, with ornate wrapping paper wrapped to perfection, with a big bow, maybe a candy cane taped to the side of it, and you'd think, "Oh damn, what's this going to be?" And then you'd unwrap it and it's socks. The Vikings' spread was the equivalent of that aunt, though I do appreciate the effort.

Non-food anecdote: U.S. Bank Stadium is very comfortably a top 5 NFL stadium, in my opinion. I'd probably rank them like so:

1. SoFi Stadium (Rams/Chargers)
2. U.S. Bank Stadium (Vikings)
3. Lumen Field (Seahawks)
4. AT&T Stadium (Cowboys)
5. Mercedes-Benz Stadium (Falcons)

Maybe I'll rank all of the NFL stadiums when I'm hard up for story ideas in, like, July.

10) Colts

I always appreciate when teams display their full menu for all to see. The Colts had theirs up bright and early. I'll just type in their full menu:

Fresh Fruit

• Yogurt parfait bar: Assorted yogurt with honey, fresh berries, house made granola, and nuts

• Assorted fresh fruit

Breakfast

• French toast casserole: Served with maple syrup

• Chorizo potatoes: With melted jack cheese, and peppers and onions

• Chef-attended omelet station: Assorted toppings

• Smoked bacon

• Country fried chicken and waffles: Peppered maple syrup

Savory

• Bratwursts and hot dogs: Freshly baked buns and assorted condiments

• Roasted Harvest Vegetables

Snacks

• Pork rind nachos: Queso blanco cheese sauce, chicken tinga, pico de gallo, cilantro and onions, salsa rojo and salsa verde

• Smoked pulled chicken sliders: With local BBQ sauce and pickles

• HotBox Pizza: Pepperoni, cheese, sausage

Sweets

• Assorted breakfast pastries: Whipped butter and preserves

• Cinnamon Rolls

• Assorted cookies and fudge brownies

They also had a nice coffee station. I love the aesthetic of the stainless steel coffee pot, with the Sterno flame underneath. 

They had an assortment of flavor add-ons.

1. Cinnamon bun
2. Salted caramel
3. Pumpkin spice
4. Vanilla
5. Hazelnut

I had the cinnamon bun flavoring. Delicious. On the food front, pregame I had the chicken and waffles, some chorizo potatoes, and some bacon.

The chicken was good, the waffles were fine, and the bacon was, eh. The surprise hero of that plate was the chorizo potatoes.

The French toast casserole was a hit as well among those who tried it. I decided against it, figuring it would be too filling, thus limiting the number of other things I could sample. Instead I had a cinnamon bun, which is probably equally as filling, and something I normally wouldn't ever touch under normal circumstances. I talked myself into it, and, well, of course it was good, because, I mean, it's baked cinnamon dough with drizzled sugar frosting. How can that possibly not be good?

At halftime, I was already full but because I'm a hero who reviews these spreads for you all out of love, I had the bratwurst, some pulled chicken (I skipped the bun), and the chicken tinga. All very good. I had a chocolate chip cookie and a brownie, too. They were just OK.

So the Colts probably got a really good grade, right? Eh, not so fast. While the food was good, they received a number of deductions:

1. They didn't serve food until 11 a.m., which was weird. The breakfast food was ready at like 10:30 a.m., just sitting there in the buffet warmers, waiting to be eaten, but they simply didn't open the line until 11, because... 🤷‍♂️.
2. They had no ice. Apparently the ice compartment in the soda machine was broken, which is understandable, but there was no backup ice plan.
3. There was no tea, which was also weird because they had hot water.
4. They had some bootleg off-brand "Red Gold" ketchup. Maybe they don't like Heinz because they're affiliated with the Steelers, and the Steelers are like a quasi AFC rival? Just serve Heinz.
5. When we came back from the postgame interviews, the pizza was already gone.
6. They took the coffee away postgame, which is a huge no-no.

An anonymous Eagles beat writer informed me that he discussed the Colts' food spread with an Indy beat writer at his media outlet, who said that the Colts' spread has long been really bad, and had only recently improved. An attempt to obtain comment from this Indy beat writer was unsuccessful.

But that certainly makes sense. Their food was good, but their execution was unrefined. Their spread reminded me a little bit of rich folks who are considered "new money," as discussed in movies like Titanic and Boiler Room. In Boiler Room, the Giovanni Ribisi character says, "They had all the money in the world, and not a clue what to do with it."

The Colts had really good food, and a whole lot of different options to choose from. But like the "new money" guys in Boiler Room, they don't quite yet know what to do with it. It'll take some time, and they'll get there.

I learned that later in the season they started serving St. Elmo's world renowned shrimp cocktail. 

This is basically like the time I took my daughter to Disney, only to find that the log flume was closed, and then to find out again later that it opened back up like a week after we were there.

Non-food anecdote: If you'll recall, the last time the Eagles played in Indy, Jalen Hurts led a late TD drive for the win. After the game, a small gaggle of Philly beats were walking in the bowels of the stadium toward the locker rooms. Walking the other way was John Mellencamp, who is a huge Colts fan, and a close friend of the late Jim Irsay.

After we passed Mellencamp, Jeff McLane remarked to the other beats "Hurts so good."

In case you're unaware, "Hurts So Good" is a Mellencamp song. If McLane had said that to Mellencamp himself instead of to the other beats, it would have been the first time in human history that "Hurts so good" would have been funny. Huge missed opportunity.

On the missed opportunity front, I'm guilty of that as well. During joint practices with the Browns in Philly a few years ago, Deshaun Watson was laying on massage table just off of the field. Like, I couldn't believe what I was seeing lol. I dared Tim McManus and Eliot Shorr-Parks to take a pic of him and tweet it out with no accompanying text. They both declined. For the life of me I don't know why I didn't just do it myself.

9) Panthers

The Panthers are kind of a surprise team to land in the top 10. 

In the morning, they had Krispy Kreme donuts and coffee. I've had plenty of Krispy Kreme donuts in my day, and yet, I don't know if I've ever actually paid for one. Is that true for the rest of you? Anyway, my first thought whenever I see them is, "Yeah, I'm not eating one of those." And then I see them, and they look good, and I eat one, and it's delicious, and then I wish I had more self control. For the purpose of these food spread reviews, I didn't have to eat one. We've all had them. We all know what they are. I didn't have to sample it to tell you that they're delicious. And yet, I ate one anyway. Ugh.

The Panthers didn't serve breakfast otherwise, but they did at least serve lunch early. The lunch buffet served its first media guy at 10:16 a.m. That's acceptable. They had salad, a carving station (prime rib), turkey, roasted potatoes, mac and cheese, dinner rolls, and assorted cookies. I tried all of it.

Solid plate of food. The prime rib might look a little dry in that picture, and to some degree, it was, but it was flavorful. I do think that carving station guys in general should cut smaller pieces, especially if there are other food options. That's a lot of prime rib to have to commit to.

The potatoes and mac and cheese were both good, but nowhere on the level of the Cowboys' mac and cheese, which we'll get to in a moment.

The Panthers also had self serve soft ice cream. I went with the vanilla-chocolate twist with rainbow sprinkles and chopped Oreos. They also had chocolate sauce, chopped cherries, and nuts. 

Note to press boxes food spread directors. If you have ice cream, you will have points added on in your favor. Please make a note of it. Although I guess if I'm retiring this bit that incentive doesn't exist. Whatever. Just serve ice cream, OK?

At halftime, they had sausages on hot dog buns. That's pretty common in NFL press boxes at halftime. It was fine. And then after the game was over they had chicken fingers. They looked like standard frozen chicken fingers, but these actually had a little kick to them. I was pleasantly surprised.

8) Bills

The Bills made it easy on me, printing out their full press box food spread offering, which I just had to re-type here. It's my understanding that in the past they have even emailed out the spread the day before the game at times. That's next level. Pregame, they had: 

1. Fresh baked pastries and bagels, butter, jellies, and cream cheese
2. Cereal variety and milk
3. Assorted yogurts and toppings
4. Sliced fresh fruits with strawberries and grapes
5. French toast with butter and syrup
6. Herb scrambled eggs
7. Breakfast potatoes with seasoned peppers and onions
8. Crisp bacon and sausage patties (#JimmyNote: They were sausage links, not patties.)
9. Waffles and syrup
10. Warm oatmeal

The waffles were "make your own." You've probably seen these in hotel lobbies at some point in your travels.

Evidently, former Eagles WR and radio color analyst Mike Quick never has, and he had no idea whatsoever how to use this thing. In fairness, it's not exactly self-explanatory. You pour the batter into a cup, dump it onto the griddle, close the griddle, then flip the whole thing upside-down with the handle, at which point a countdown from 2:30 automatically begins. I helped Mike with that part, but did not wait around for the 2:30 to count down to help him retrieve his waffle when it was done.

When his waffles were ready and the timer went off, I'm told that Quick tried to lift the griddle without turning it right side up once again, and had to be helped by Sal Paolantonio. For those of us in the hotel lobby self-serve waffle-making community, we've all been there, Mike.

Paolantonio declined comment.

At halftime, they had:

1. Chicken wings, celery and carrots, and blue cheese
2. Butternut squash bisque
3. Garden salad with various dressings
4. Caeser salad, shaved Parmesan cheese, croutons, Parmesan crisp, and caesar dressing
5. Chicken and herb roasted potatoes
6. French-cut green beans, and blistered tomatoes
7. Beef on Weck, Kimmelweck rolls, regular rolls, horseradish, and au jus

They also had a snack table throughout the day, which included:

1. Kettle chips and French onion dip
2. Popcorn
3. Mixed nuts
4. Snack mix
5. M&Ms, and Peanut M&Ms
6. Soft pretzels, beer cheese, and honey mustard

Some legitimate effort went into the presentation of the snack area, with a fall theme.

And then of course, the beverages:

1. Bottled water
2. Assorted sodas
3. Hot and iced coffee, including a "create your own latte" station (Pumpkin spice creamer, mocha coffe creamer) Tim Bit Kabobs
4. Assorted cakes, cookies, pastries, and Dunkin Donut Munchkins

What set the Bills apart from the rest of the crowd here was the iced coffee, which is an interesting add-on, given that Buffalo is one of the coldest cities in the NFL.

For breakfast, I had a waffle, sausage links, and bacon. I also had a giant pretzel for breakfast. That was good, but I'll make one observation of giant pretzels, just generally speaking. I think the perceived appeal of them is that they're huge. However, in my view, being a big pretzel is less important than being a good pretzel. Anyone can go back for seconds, so my preference would be to have a normal-sized pretzel, and if I really want to eat like I'm in a shame spiral, I can go back for more.

Conversely, I applaud the Bills' inclusion of Dunkin Donuts Munchkins. Dunkin Donuts is a sponsor of a number of teams, including the Eagles. As such, the Eagles have Dunkin Donuts as part of their spread, except they don't have Munchkins. With Munchkins, you don't have to commit to eating a full donut. You can have a glazed Munchkin, maybe throw in chocolate glazed, or a even a powdered Munchkin, and even if you eat all three, it still isn't as much donut as a full donut. You can better regulate your donut intake, leaving room for some of the other offerings.

The Bills waited until halftime to serve lunch, which is slightly unorthodox. Normally, teams will serve lunch before the game, seeing as they start at 1:00 p.m., and then the halftime spread is more of smaller offering. Halftime in Buffalo is the main event. Opinions on that approach varied. Personally, I was fine with it.

I had some wings (duh), potatoes, and the Beef on Weck. My plate:

That doesn't look special, but the Beef on Weck was so good that I almost housed it before I remembered that I had to take a picture of my plate.

The wings were OK. My personal preference is for my wings to be slathered in hot and honey sauce, but I realize that the Bills can't realistically offer a number of different sauces. For non-sauced wings, they were very good. Zack Rosenblatt (formerly of NJ.com) named a number of different wing places he went to during his trip up to Buffalo (apparently he goes wing-hopping, lol), and he thought the Bills' wings were the best.  

The Bills are a small-market team, and as such, expectations aren't going to be as high as they would be in, say, Dallas, Chicago, New York, or even Philly. Their effort was excellent, and the halftime spread was legitimately very good.

Unexpectedly, after the game, there was beer! And I had some.

Non-food anecdote: Buffalo's pregame parking lot vibes are the best in the NFL. And I'm not talking about the people jumping onto tables. I'm good on all that. Just as a community, they genuinely love football and alcohol.

7) Buccaneers

Upon arriving at the stadium, the Bucs typically have a breakfast spread ready to go. During the Eagles' last trip to Tampa, they had chicken sausage links, biscuits, and farm egg frittatas. The chicken sausage links didn't look very appealing, so I skipped those.

Here were the frittatas: 

As a reporter who might cover a game in Tampa every two to three years, having Bananas Foster is an appropriately rare, fun experience. I'm also sure that NFC South reporters covering the Panthers, Saints, and Falcons enjoy their once/year Bananas Foster. 

But it's hilarious to me that Bucs reporters will have a minimum of 10 opportunities to have Bananas Foster per season, which I feel like is more than a lifetime's worth of Bananas Foster. Guys/gals who cover the Bucs for 20 years have over 200 opportunities to partake in Bananas Foster. If I covered the Bucs, I would document each time I had Bananas Foster over the course of my career, and upon retirement I would submit it to the Guinness Book of World Records for enshrinement.

Postgame, the Bucs did not have any food (no big deal), and they took away the coffee machines (not cool). I will note that there was a guy who was essentially "bussing tables" throughout the day, and by that I mean he was collecting empty plates from folks sitting at their places in the press box, which was a nice added touch.

Non-food anecdote: If you've never been to an Eagles-Bucs game, it's about as convenient a trip as you can make, at least among the cities that require a flight. Raymond James Stadium is right by the airport (directly east of it, as shown below), and there are a buttload of hotels and restaurants in that area.

And then also, Clearwater Beach is less than an hour drive away. My reasonable drive destinations from NFL stadiums power rankings:

1. Sedona, AZ (Cardinals)
2. Sausalito, CA (49ers)
3. Laguna Beach or Newport Beach, CA (Rams/Chargers)
4. Clearwater Beach, FL (Buccaneers)

6) Rams

Before SoFi Stadium was built, Rams home games were played at the dilapidated L.A. Coliseum. Their spread was in contention for the worst ever in this series. Here's what they had:

In case you can't see the detail in that picture, those are boxes with sandwiches inside, some fruit, popcorn, trail mix, and three lonely muffins. Yes, they served precisely three muffins. If there were four or more media folks who wanted muffins, they were either sharing, or fighting over them like a press box version of Lord of the Flies.

In 2020, the Rams moved into SoFi Stadium, a sophisticated behemoth of a complex near LAX. They can no longer get away with the embarrassing spread shown above. And to their credit, they have stepped up their game immensely. In the "hot food" area, they had French toast, bacon, scrambled eggs with pastrami, and hash browns.

At the additional food station, they had a lot of options.

1. Roast beef and pepperoncini sandwiches
2. Turkey pesto and Swiss ciabatta sandwiches
3. Fruit cups
4. S'mores chocolate pudding
5. Assorted Danishes
6. An impressive assortment of candies, including Sour Patch Kids, Peanut M&M's, Kind bars, Skittles, Hershey bars, Kit Kats, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey bars with almonds, and some chewy granola bars.
7. Mini muffins
8. Iced tea bottles
9. Starbucks Nitro Cold Brew — Regular and Vanilla Sweet Cream, They also had regular coffee off to the side.
10. Fruit water, and bottled water 
11. Assorted snacks (like Doritos, etc.)
12. Also throughout the day, additional desserts just kept showing up and disappearing, like various cookies and cakes (not pictured below)

Pregame I had some bacon, some hash browns, a Kit Kat, Peanut M&M's, some fruit water, and a Cold Brew. The hot food wasn't anything special, but seemed fresh at least.

However, all the additional stuff was great. I thought the MVP of the day was the lemon poppy mini-muffin, a true underdog story in the food spread realm. That thing was delicious.

Apparently, they also had bagels at one point. I missed that somehow. As noted above, additional food options would show up and then quickly disappear. You kind of had to be on your toes.

At halftime, they had a mix of food reminiscent of your last week of school at college, when you just cooked all the leftovers in your freezer. They had the following:

1. Pigs in a Blanket
2. Fried Chicken Sliders
3. "Triple Fries"
4. Spinach Empanadas (not pictured below)

By "triple fries," they meant three different kinds of fries (in this case steak fries, tots, and curly fries) just all sort of lumped together in a tray. Weird. Whatever. I had some.

The chicken sliders were the best of the bunch from the lunch spread.

Postgame, the Rams had...... (drumroll)...... BEER! Automatic bump. I had a Modelo or two, and a Stella.

I saw real effort here, and there were so many options to choose from that they covered for the "meh" hot food. And, I mean, they had beer. That's especially clutch for reporters who take the red eye back to the east coast immediately after the game.

5) Chargers

We'll keep this brief, because the Chargers more or less have the same spread as the Rams, unlike the Giants and Jets, who share a stadium but have different spreads. We'll give the Chargers the tie-breaker over the Rams, because when they played in a soccer stadium before moving into SoFi, they had a better spread than the Rams' atrocious spread at the Coliseum.

Non-food anecdote: That soccer stadium they played in — now called the Dignity Health Sports Park — was my favorite venue ever to watch an NFL game. It was actually a really nice stadium, but it had an extremely low capacity of 27,000 people and had an intimate feel. My spot in the "press box" was actually outside. It was like 75-80 degrees that day with a nice breeze, and I had this big table to work at. Perfect. 👌

4) Seahawks

3) Texans

To my surprise, the Texans brought it.

To begin, they had an elite snacky treat table that included cookies, popcorn (with seasoning options!), various trail mixes, chips, pretzels, an M&M tower, a Sour Patch Kids tower (pure class), mini cupcakes, and almost sort of like a wedding cake. I took a video of the snacky treat table:

Previously, the Cowboys had by far the best snacky treat options in the NFL, but I think the Texans are right there with them, or dare I say, even better?

For the healthy folks, the Texans had a nice salad setup, complete with a Texans player mannequin. 52 is Jonathan Greenard, then with the Texans. That seemed like purposeful placement near the "greens." Love that attention to detail.

The main course was a taco station, with marinated steak, achiote chicken, garlic rice, and black bean rancheros. This picture doesn't look like much, but they were surprisingly delicious. 

If you'll note, writing stations within the Texans' press box came equipped with pull-out trays. I think they're designed for keyboards, maybe, but I found it useful for eating. So bonus points there, I guess.

At halftime, they had burger sliders, nachos, ice cream, and perhaps the most unique press box offering in NFL history, "punch-soaked pickles with hot Cheeto crust." Wtf is this?!?

I do not like pickles, like, at all, so there was no way in hell I was eating this, but I completely respect the uniqueness of that offering, and even if the ingredients are odd (to say the least), that is one picturesque tray of food. I tried to get commentary on it, but no other Eagles beat writers were willing to take the plunge either. Maybe we're all just a bunch of wusses.

Non-food anecdote: The Texans' ring of honor is funny. There are only two players! They would be WR Andre Johnson and J.J. Watt. 

On the one hand, I get that the Texans have only been in existence since 2002, but it's still funny to only see two names.

On the other hand, I respect that the Texans don't just throw names up in the rafters willy-nilly, even when it looks so barren up there. By contrast, when we went to Denver, the Broncos had names of dudes wrapped around the entire stadium. 34 total! I never heard of many of them.

2) Falcons

The Falcons bring it. Pre-game, they had all kinds of good stuff:

• A carving station with beef brisket, as well as a mustard sauce, and a bacon aioli sauce. The following is a pic of Joe, the carving station guy. That's not an action shot. Joe actually posed for this picture, lol. Nice guy.

• Jerk chicken

• Chicken fried steak with gravy

• Three-cheese mac and cheese

• Cheeseburgers

• Tangy Jamaican cole slaw

• Potato salad

• Yuka fries

• Red beans and rice with coconut curry milk

• Salad bar

• A dessert table, with cupcakes, cookies, and brownies

• An ice cream bar (they had vanilla and chocolate, with add-ons such as sprinkles, cherries, chopped M&Ms, and various sauces (caramel, chocolate, etc.)

At halftime they had these mini chicken sandwiches, with sauce and pickles that were absolutely delicious.

What'd I have? I came in hungry, and I ate a lot. First, I had a cheeseburger, mac and cheese, jerk chicken, and a piece of chicken fried steak.

All of that was very good, and I was full before I finished the above plate. But because I'm a journalist for the people, I continued to sample the offerings, and went back for some brisket, with the mustard sauce and the bacon aioli.

I don't know if it was because I already had 3 pounds of food sitting in my stomach, but that was just OK. In an upset, the mustard sauce was better than the bacon aioli.

And then even after all of that, again, because journalism, I had some ice cream, with crushed M&Ms, rainbow sprinkles, and caramel.

The ice cream with crushed M&Ms, rainbow sprinkles, and caramel sauce, was, you know, ice cream with crushed M&Ms, rainbow sprinkles, and caramel sauce. It's pretty hard to mess that up.

At halftime, still full from all the food pregame, I had a mini chicken sandwich, which again, was very, very good. I skipped the empty vitamins in the salad bar.

Also, to note, the potato salad was a fan favorite.

The Falcons had a ton of options, and everything was very good. The only gripe I have — and this is a big one as you have already seen repeatedly above — is that they take the coffee away post-game. Still, the coffee snafu wasn't enough for me to downgrade them, given their superb effort across the board otherwise.

1) Cowboys

And finally, the undisputed 🐐 of press box food spreads, the Dallas Cowboys. Their spread is similar most years, but I think my favorite version of it was in 2023.

Pregame, the Cowboys had a bunch of hot and cold options:

• Hot offerings:

1. Prime rib
2. Grilled Buffalo chicken breast with lemon butter cream sauce
3. Cowboys mac and cheese
4. Grilled asparagus with roasted tomatoes
5. Creamy Yukon mashed potatoes
6. Artisan rolls

• Cold offerings:

1. Baby greens and mixed kale salad: Field greens, baby mixed kale, roasted pistachios, ricotta salata, roasted corn and jalapeño blend, marinated heirloom grape tomatoes, bacon, English cucumbers, honey-lime and chipotle vinaigrette
2. Roasted potato medley composed salad: Potato medley, red onions, crispy chicken cracklings, celery, ranch and creole mustard dressing
3. Roast beef and salame sandwich: Roast beef, roasted garlic and horseradish cream, Boar's Head salame, dill marinated Roma tomatoes and cucumbers, arugula, provolone cheese, creamy sweet onion spread, toasted brioche slider

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