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August 13, 2019

Predicting the results of all 82 Sixers games for 2019-20 without any explanation

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1119_Sixers_Suns_USAT Bill Streicher /USA Today Sports

Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons.

I have gone into the future and seen the results of the Sixers' upcoming 2019-20 season, and I have returned to tell you what happened through mid-April.

The following is a thinly-detailed recap of what will take place. Please note — I am not liable for any decisions you choose to make based on these results, be they gambling or otherwise.

Wed. 23-Oct-19 Boston 7:30 PM ESPN — LOSS

It would not be the start of a Sixers season without a loss to the Celtics that infuriated everyone in Philadelphia. At least one local radio host will opine that Brett Brown should be replaced with a coach who can beat Boston. The name Jason Kidd is mentioned too many times (once).

Sat. 26-Oct-19 at Detroit 7:00 PM — WIN
Mon. 28-Oct-19 at Atlanta 7:30 PM — WIN
Wed. 30-Oct-19 Minnesota 7:00 PM — WIN
Sat. 2-Nov-19 at Portland 7:00 PM — LOSS

I will believe the Sixers win a game in Portland when I see it.

Mon. 4-Nov-19 at Phoenix 7:00 PM —WIN
Wed. 6-Nov-19 at Utah 7:00 PM —WIN
Fri. 8-Nov-19 at Denver 7:00 PM —LOSS
Sun. 10-Nov-19 Charlotte 6:00 PM — WIN
Tue. 12-Nov-19 Cleveland 7:00 PM — WIN
Wed. 13-Nov-19 at Orlando 7:00 PM — LOSS

After a series of cryptic tweets from Markelle Fultz causes a stir earlier in the week, he watches from Disney's Grand Floridian Resort as Nikola Vucevic's game-winner beats his former team on the second night of a back-to-back. 


MORE: The Sixers' full 2019-20 schedule, with analysis


Fri. 15-Nov-19 at Oklahoma City 7:00 PM — WIN
Sun. 17-Nov-19 at Cleveland 3:00 PM — WIN
Wed. 20-Nov-19 New York 7:00 PM — WIN
Fri. 22-Nov-19 San Antonio 8:00 PM ESPN — LOSS

Embiid is definitely sitting this game so he can play Butler and the Heat the next night.

081319-WearhouseMeme

Sat. 23-Nov-19 Miami 7:30 PM — WIN
Mon. 25-Nov-19 at Toronto 7:30 PM — WIN
Wed. 27-Nov-19 Sacramento 7:00 PM — WIN
Fri. 29-Nov-19 at New York 7:30 PM — WIN
Sat. 30-Nov-19 Indiana 7:00 PM — LOSS
Mon. 2-Dec-19 Utah 7:00 PM — WIN
Thu. 5-Dec-19 at Washington 7:00 PM — WIN
Sat. 7-Dec-19 Cleveland 7:30 PM — LOSS
Sun. 8-Dec-19 Toronto 6:00 PM — WIN 
Tue. 10-Dec-19 Denver 7:00 PM — WIN
Thu. 12-Dec-19 at Boston 8:00 PM TNT — WIN

The Sixers, led by an Al Horford revenge game (14 points, eight rebounds, seven assists), get an early win in Boston for the first time in a while.

Fri. 13-Dec-19 New Orleans 7:00 PM — WIN
Sun. 15-Dec-19 at Brooklyn 6:00 PM — LOSS

Kyrie Irving is dropping 40+ on the Sixers at least once this year. 

Wed. 18-Dec-19 Miami 7:30 PM ESPN — LOSS

After a win in the first meeting with Butler, a more subdued Wells Fargo Center crowd shows up this time, Butler goes off, several people write, "Was it a mistake to let him go?" columns.

During his postgame session with the media, Butler says, "To tell you the truth, tonight was just another game to me" as he listens to Jason Aldean by his locker.

Fri. 20-Dec-19 Dallas 8:00 PM ESPN — LOSS

Three straight losses prompt the first* national discussion of Brett Brown's job security of the season.

(*Note: The first local discussion, of course, will come the moment they lose the opener to the Celtics.)

Sat. 21-Dec-19 Washington 7:00 PM — WIN
Mon. 23-Dec-19 at Detroit 7:00 PM — WIN
Wed. 25-Dec-19 Milwaukee 2:30 PM ABC — WIN
Fri. 27-Dec-19 at Orlando 7:00 PM — LOSS
Sat. 28-Dec-19 at Miami 8:00 PM — LOSS

Losing the game in Orlando after the Christmas win over Milwaukee is reasonably likely. Losing a back-to-back against the Heat after a third of the team is at Story in Miami until 5 a.m. Saturday morning is the lock of the century.

Tue. 31-Dec-19 at Indiana 3:00 PM — WIN 
Fri. 3-Jan-20 at Houston 7:00 PM ESPN — WIN

Joel Embiid is ejected late from this game for taunting Russell Westbrook. After the game, he uses the location tag "Brick City" to accompany his celebratory Instagram.


MORE: Charles Barkley guarantees Sixers will win Eastern Conference


Mon. 6-Jan-20 Oklahoma City 7:00 PM — WIN
Thu. 9-Jan-20 Boston 7:00 PM TNT — LOSS
Sat. 11-Jan-20 at Dallas 7:30 PM — WIN
Mon. 13-Jan-20 at Indiana 7:00 PM — WIN
Wed. 15-Jan-20 Brooklyn 7:00 PM ESPN — WIN
Fri. 17-Jan-20 Chicago 7:00 PM ESPN — WIN
Sat. 18-Jan-20 at New York 7:30 PM — WIN
Mon. 20-Jan-20 at Brooklyn 3:00 PM — WIN
Wed. 22-Jan-20 at Toronto 7:30 PM ESPN — WIN
Sat. 25-Jan-20 L.A. Lakers 8:30 PM ABC — WIN
Tue. 28-Jan-20 Golden State 7:30 PM TNT — WIN

After ripping off nine straight wins, including two national TV destructions of the Lakers and Warriors at home, Stephen A. Smith calls the Sixers his pick to "take home the NBA championship, Max Kellerman" on Wednesday's episode of First Take.

The Sixers promptly lose their next game to Atlanta and get demolished by the Miami Heat on the road the Monday following the Super Bowl.

Thu. 30-Jan-20 at Atlanta 7:30 PM — LOSS
Sat. 1-Feb-20 at Boston 8:30 PM ABC — WIN
Mon. 3-Feb-20 at Miami 7:30 PM — LOSS

Skip Bayless saunters into the Fox Sports offices on Tuesday morning, ready to paint his Mona Lisa.

"Shannon, not only did Jimmy Butler make the right long-term decision to leave Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid, I believe the Miami Heat will go further in the playoffs than the Sixers this season!"

081319-ShannonSharpe-USAToday

Thu. 6-Feb-20 at Milwaukee 7:00 PM TNT — LOSS
Fri. 7-Feb-20 Memphis 7:00 PM — WIN
Sun. 9-Feb-20 Chicago 6:00 PM — WIN
Tue. 11-Feb-20 L.A. Clippers 7:00 PM TNT — WIN
Thu. 20-Feb-20 Brooklyn 8:00 PM TNT — WIN
Sat. 22-Feb-20 at Milwaukee 7:30 PM ABC — LOSS
Mon. 24-Feb-20 Atlanta 7:00 PM — WIN
Wed. 26-Feb-20 at Cleveland 7:00 PM — WIN
Thu. 27-Feb-20 New York 7:00 PM — WIN
Sun. 1-Mar-20 at L.A. Clippers 12:30 PM ABC — LOSS

Kawhi Leonard puts Ben Simmons in the torture chamber for the entirety of a Sunday showcase game, prompting the most insufferable Monday morning discussion of the season.

Tue. 3-Mar-20 at L.A. Lakers 7:00 PM TNT — WIN
Thu. 5-Mar-20 at Sacramento 7:00 PM — LOSS

There's not a chance in hell they win in Sacramento in a stretch bookended by the Lakers and Warriors games.

Sat. 7-Mar-20 at Golden State 5:30 PM ABC — LOSS
Wed. 11-Mar-20 Detroit 7:30 PM ESPN — WIN
Sat. 14-Mar-20 Indiana 7:30 PM — WIN
Mon. 16-Mar-20 Washington 7:00 PM — WIN
Wed. 18-Mar-20 Toronto 7:00 PM — LOSS
Thu. 19-Mar-20 at Charlotte 7:00 PM — LOSS

The annual, "March basketball sucks and they have to lose to one of these terrible teams" game.

Sat. 21-Mar-20 Atlanta 7:00 PM — WIN
Tue. 24-Mar-20 at Minnesota 7:00 PM — WIN
Thu. 26-Mar-20 at Chicago 7:00 PM — WIN
Fri. 27-Mar-20 Phoenix 7:00 PM — WIN

I originally had this as a loss and a 60-point game for Devin Booker, but they will almost certainly be openly tanking by this point in the year, so he'll probably be on the sideline wondering whether he should hire Rich Paul as his agent.

Sun. 29-Mar-20 Portland 7:30 PM — WIN
Tue. 31-Mar-20 Houston 7:30 PM TNT — WIN
Fri. 3-Apr-20 at Washington 7:00 PM — LOSS
Sun. 5-Apr-20 Orlando 1:00 PM — WIN
Tue. 7-Apr-20 Milwaukee 7:30 PM TNT — WIN
Fri. 10-Apr-20 at San Antonio 7:30 PM — LOSS

Emotions are running high after a late-season win over the Bucks, with the race for the No. 1 seed still up for grabs. DeMar DeRozan brings them back down to earth when he makes 23 straight mid-range shots with a hand in his face.

Sat. 11-Apr-20 at New Orleans 6:00 PM — WIN
Mon. 13-Apr-20 at Memphis 7:00 PM — LOSS

A road back-to-back in the final week of the season is just asking for the Sixers to punt this game. 

Wed. 15-Apr-20 Charlotte 7:30 PM — WIN

Final record: 57-25


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