September 19, 2017
Since 2000, the young singers of the Kidz Bop movement have regaled the world with their precocious take on the pop hits of the day.
I’m shameless about admitting my questionable musical takes. Which is to say, sure, there’s a couple Kidz Bop bangers on my iPod.
Whatever. Their take on “Payphone” is transcendent.
In any event, this piece is not about celebrating what Kidz Bop singers have done. It’s ruing what they haven’t done. If you’re anything like me – as in, you get a kick out of the Dirty Kids Jokes Twitter account – you, too, would get a kick out of kids’ versions of the sort of songs that come with parental advisory warnings.
Now, I’m not saying that they should allow kids to sing profane, heavy or other deadly sin-laden tracks.
But, if they were permitted to do so, here are 10 tracks (with some honorable-mention throw ins) that I’d love to hear get the Kidz Bop treatment. Think I missed any? By all means, share your suggestions in the comments section.
10. “Christmas In Hollis,” Run DMC. No, this isn’t a dirty song. But we do need a Christmas track in here.
9. “Talk to Me,” Run the Jewels. While there are other RTJ tracks that could fill this spot, they try to stay contemporary and this track of the duo’s latest album seemingly gets the most play.
8. “B.O.B.,” Outkast. This is the banger of the 2000s. If you can find kids that keep up with Andre 3000 and Big Boi’s lyrical onslaught, you got the new eighth wonder of the world.
7. “Beautiful People,” Marilyn Manson. Solely because of how people would freak the eff out if they heard kids covering Marilyn Manson in nanny-state America.
6. “Sabotage,” Beastie Boys. Really, this could be a bevy of Beastie tracks. Anything from “Brass Monkey” and “Hey Ladies” to “Root Down” and “Sure Shot.” Heck, if Kidz Bop knew what was good for it, it’d drop a whole Beasties album. RIP MCA.
5. “100 Miles and Running,” N.W.A. Real talk: A song about kids sprinting back to Compton to elude police capture would be a perfect track for our current day and age.
4. “Thunderstruck,” AC/DC. Idk, this song just reminds me of the Flyers going on the PECO power play. Go Flyers.
3. “Jeremy,” Pearl Jam. Yeah, this one’d be morbid. But we’re living in morbid times, are we not?
2. “Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns N Roses. This song served as America’s introduction to Axl, Slash, et al. It could also serve as kids’ introductions to the power and glory of L.A. “metal” and the non-guarantee that dreams will be realized when you chase them.
1. “Fight the Power,” Public Enemy. I learned a hell of a lot about the world when I first heard this track as a teenager. Share and share alike. (Besides, who wouldn't want to hear Kidz Bop Flavor Flav take the mic?)
Honorable Mention: “TV Party,” Black Flag; “Percolator,” Cajmere; “Butterfly,” Crazy Town; “Miracles,” Insane Clown Posse; “Had a Dad,” Jane’s Addiction; “Dirt Off Your Shoulder,” Jay-Z; “Breaking the Law,” Judas Priest; “Shots,” LMFAO; “Master of Puppets,” Metallica; “Got Your Money,” Ol Dirty Bastard; “Crazy Train,” Ozzy Osbourne; “Gold Digger,” Kanye West.
