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January 27, 2015

All-Sport Powerless Rankings: Who's feeling most deflated this week?

Power Rankings Sports
012015_KacieMcDonnell_jpg PhillyVoice

Kacie McDonnell and her former fiancé, Kansas City Chiefs backup quarterback Aaron Murray.

Over the past week, there's been a lot of talk about things being deflated. With that in mind, I switched up my weekly power rankings to showcase some of the people out there who have deflated this week. 

1. WWE

It’s hard to decide just who had the worst night of all at Sunday’s Royal Rumble in Philly, so let’s go with the entire WWE. That’s because the person solely responsible for the fans’ discontent -- hand-picked heel Roman Reigns earning a title shot at Wrestlemania -- is the man at the top of the pro wrestling world, Vince McMahon. He had to know how the 17,000+ at the Wells Fargo Center would react to Reigns winning the Rumble, especially after what he did to fans in Pittsburgh last year.

It got so bad that #CancelWWENetwork was trending worldwide following the pay-per-view and the unsubscribe page on the site had crashed -- either due to higher than normal traffic or because McMahon told his minions to shut it down.

Perhaps he thought that sending out The Rock to rescue his cousin from Rusev and The Authority, a.k.a Kane and The Big Show, would help sooth things over with the crowd. When The Rock’s music started, the fans were temporarily ecstatic, but one they realized that the wrestler-turned-movie-star wasn’t there to win the even himself - how great would it have been to see him take on Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania - they turned on him, and fast.

I can’t imagine The Rock, who posted a picture outside of Geno’s on Saturday night and basically ruined his surprise appearance, was too happy about flying all the way to Philly only to get booed as he circled the ring while holding Reigns’ hand in the air.

I really wanted to include this seagull getting hit with a cricket ball. He kind of reminded me of Lesnar during the triple-threat title match at Royal Rumble. For a second, everyone thought he might be dead, but no.

Also, neither the seagull nor the wrestler are human. I’m pretty sure about that. At least when it comes to Lesnar.

2. Patriots equipment staff

It was only a matter of time before the Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and Patriots owner Robert Kraft found a patsy to pin this whole deflategate nonsense on. And in one of the least surprising twists in the history of all “-gates,” the guy likely taking the fall is a lowly* locker room attendant. According to FOXSports, there’s surveillance video of him taking the balls from the officials locker room and into another room before taking them out to the field.

*I don’t say that to diminish his job, but compared to the coach, quarterback and owner, he’s a small fish. Like minnow small. Maybe smaller.

And now, Kraft has said he wants an apology from the NFL if they can’t “definitively” prove wrongdoing on the part of the Patriots. What exactly does he want them to apologize for? They’ve already discovered that the balls were deflated - or at least not inflated to the proper level. Does he think the investigation should stop there? Perhaps his ol’ pal Roger Goodell could’ve helped him out there. The super rich never do anything wrong…at least in their minds.

And sure, Kraft probably wasn’t involved at all, but you better believe if the Colts were the ones caught using deflated balls in the AFC Championship, he would want the commissioner to come down hard on them.

This reminds me of that Chappelle Show skit that highlights the special treatment of white-collar criminals.

And let's not forget all the press conferences involving talk of "handling balls" and sixth grade science lessons. Good long as you don't work for - or root for - the Patriots.

And just think, now they get to spend all day Tuesday answering questions at Super Bowl Media day - which is a circus even without deflategate hanging over their heads.

3. This ball boy’s unborn children

Speaking of deflated balls, can someone check on this guy.

4. Robert Allenby

Last week, it appeared that professional golfer Robert Allenby was the victim of a terrible crime while in Hawaii for the Sony Open. After missing the cut, Allenby said he went to a wine bar - right there we should’ve known this was bogus - and when he went to leave, he was kidnapped, robbed, beaten, and dropped off in a park six miles away. He did television and newspaper interviews the next day, his face all bloody and bruised. It looked legit, but something just wasn’t right.

Why did they take him so far away if they just wanted to steal his wallet? Why would the FBI - according to Allenby - be looking into this case?

Well, the FBI -- according to the FBI -- wasn’t looking into it. And apparently, new witnesses came forward to say that Allenby was at a wine bar, but then later, he was also at a strip club, running up a huge tab before passing out and hitting his face on a rock. It's pretty bad when homeless people are helping you get into a cab so you can get home.

5. Pro Bowlers

For the second-straight year, television ratings for the Pro Bowl took a hit. Not only are less and less people tuning in, but the game is no longer played in Hawaii -- that may be a good thing if Allenby's story turns out to be true. This year, it was in Arizona, which is certainly warmer than most places in the country this time of year, but it's no where close to Hawaii. 

They just need to do away with the Pro Bowl. I'd rather watch a skills competition or something like that. For example, this Drew Brees Sports Science segment is more interesting than any Pro Bowl I've ever seen.

Full disclosure: I didn't watch the Pro Bowl. I was at Royal Rumble. However, I caught some of the game, as well as some of the NHL All-Star Game, on replay and it was awful. In these contact sports, I don't blame players for not wanting to get hurt, but the leagues need to do something different for fans. As currently constructed, they're nearly unwatchable.

6. Your local weatherman

If there are any kids reading this, I apologize for the all the sophomoric humor. You probably didn't even make it down this far because you're still watching the video of the ball boy at the Australian Open, but if you did, I also would like to apologize on behalf of your local meteorologist. They predicted a massive blizzard hitting our region, getting your hopes up for several snow days.

Boy, talk about feeling deflated.

Turns out that the snow was not a big deal -- at least in the Philly area -- and things will go back to normal on Wednesday. I'm happy you at least got Tuesday off, but as we've learned in recent years, you could have to come back in June to make up lost days if the winter weather causes more class days to be canceled. Let's not hope it comes to that. But if it does, just watch this video from last winter and hopefully you'll be feeling better:

The anchor screeching in the background never gets old.

7. Aaron Murray

Last year, the former Georgia quarterback was drafted by the Chiefs, and he took local newscaster and bride-to-be Kacie McDonald with him, much to the disappointment of male viewers across the region.

Now, the engagement is off. And it appears that it was Murray's doing. I guess the fact that he's an NFL quarterback - despite not playing a single snap this season - gives him the confidence that he can bounce back.

He probably also believes he should be a starter. What are you thinking, man?

8. The moon

I felt the below conversation, which occurred on QVC recently, was downright disrespectful to the moon. Not to mention all those retired middle school science teachers that were watching. One can only imagine this spirited debate left them ripping out their hair and bleeding from the ears.

Wait. Did he just say there's life on the moon? What's with the barber chairs? Who the hell is Chunky? Did she drop a "Dude!" on him? Did that model in the back get in trouble for laughing? Why is there a giant picture of a dog on the wall? And who does that dog belong to? Is it always there? I have so many questions...

9. John Isner’s racket

John Isner is 6-foot-10. His racket is considerably smaller.

Don't make him angry. You won't like him when he's angry.

10. The Cleveland Browns

First, there was the ESPN report that cited close to 20 anonymous Browns sources as saying that rookie quarterback Johnny Manziel was a "turbulent presence" in the team's locker room. Way to deflate his trade value.

Then came the news that wide receiver Josh Gordon had failed another drug test and will be suspended for the entire season. 

Just another day in Cleveland...

Hey, you got LeBron so no complaining. At least that's going according to plan, right?