February 20, 2017
Got something you want to ask? Send me your questions through Facebook, Twitter or email (with "Ask Hickey" in the subject line). Your anonymity is guaranteed — if that’s how you want it — so feel free to send them via private/direct message.
And now, this week’s questions...
Which is better: Sock, Sock, Shoe, Shoe or Sock, Shoe, Sock, Shoe? – FreemanMcNeil24 via Twitter
This is an easy one: Any well-adjusted human being puts on both socks and then both shoes.
Imagine, if you will, that you do it the other way, but halfway through the process, an emergency surfaces necessitating you to rush away from wherever you are. Would you prefer to have one shoe on but the other foot bare or a sock on each foot with no shoes?
You are better protected from ground germs in socked feet as opposed to bare feet. Thus, logic tells you to ensure both socks are on before proceeding to your shoes.
Don’t believe me? Well, Archie Bunker agrees, meatheads.
I am wondering how stealing the opinion signs people put out these days is any different from the political signs, Clinton or Trump signs that were stolen during the election? Maybe because the signs now put out are so sanctimonious that they are offensive to other neighbors in their own special way?
The two signs you wrote about are telling us that the resident is more holy, more honorable and more righteous that everyone else in that resident’s opinion.
Could that insult to others be what causes people to be angry and steal the signs? – Gardner C., via email
I received a lot of fun responses to the piece I wrote Friday about “Hate Has No Home Here” signs getting stolen, and “Black Lives Matter” signs prompting a nasty, anonymous letter in the burbs.
“Your a hypocrite” (sic) started one such correspondence where an entire “fake news” rant appeared in the subject line.
“These are anti-Trump signs, their little coded political message to people who also hate Trump” wrote another reader and member of the Montgomery County Republican Committee, who proceeded to label me a “smart ass” when I noted that I wasn’t aware the word Trump appeared on said signs.
All the feedback wasn’t negative, but Gardner’s note up there was the lone one that asked questions of Hickey; hence, the response in this week’s #AskHickey.
As mentioned in said piece, “Pilfered political signs aren't exactly a new dynamic” in Springfield Township, Montgomery and beyond.
It’s just a reality of the American political process, right up there with thee ole “if your opponent has a lot of signs alongside a well-traveled road, you should totally put as many – if not – more up on the same place, even in front of your foes because O’Doyle Rules!”
But I think Gardner already knew that. He just offered up that preliminary question as a segue into explaining what offends him so much about people declaring that their hearts don’t run on hatred.
It’s because – per the complainers’ apparent sense of clairvoyance – it can be interpreted as a virtue-signaling move to belittle those without signs. Uh, ok. Sure.
Far be it from me to pretend to understand why people would take offense to someone saying hate is bad. I can’t do that, because I don’t understand why someone would – after a moment of self-reflection – choose to get offended rather than admit that hate is a bad thing to harbor in one’s heart.
If that perceived insult drives one to commit angry, petty theft, they should really think long and hard about why they claim to be a patriot while acting like an 8-year-old in an effort to stifle their neighbors’ free speech.
If you hate people who say they don't hate, well, maybe you're the problem the signs are pointing out in the first place.
Oh yeah, in the sense of full disclosure, I've already made it perfectly clear why I don't have one.
Sorry, but I can't put one of those "Hate has no home here" signs outside my house until pickles and Diner en Blanc cease to exist.— Brian P. Hickey (@BrianPHickey) February 5, 2017
Why are you anti-American with your pickle hate? – @HeckPhilly via Twitter
This is a ridiculous question, one driven by a treasonous attempt to stifle your opposition. In fact, I'm starting to think you might be behind the "Hate Has No Home Here" sign thefts up in Montco.
As clearly stated in my definitive December take on the matter, pickles are an abomination to human sensibility particularly when they are presented on an American’s plate without a specific request for that to be done.
If anybody is being anti-American here, it is you, and you have been appropriately reported to the good-taste authorities.
Dear Philadelphia Police, do there happen to be any reports of calls regarding a naked man gardening in a front yard near 51st and Master around on Feb. 6? – Brian Hickey via email
Monday of two weeks past, a photograph was apparently taken of a naked man “gardening” outside a home near 51st and Master streets.
This is the kind of activity that captures the attention of neighbors and passersby alike, but one that necessitates not embedding it herein. Those hyperlinks above will expose you to an exposed buttocks if you need to take that extra step for verification.
In any event, I emailed the Philadelphia Police Department’s public-affairs office to determine whether they’d received a naked-gardening report as a result of this. Their official response:
“I just got off the phone with a radio dispatcher who probably now thinks I'm a weirdo and I was told there were no calls for anything of the sort in that location during the morning of February 6th.”
Sorry, folks, I'm not about to head out to West Philly to further investigate. If you choose to do so, that's on you. Just let me know what you find.