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October 24, 2018

Full moon ritual to send the Eagles back to the Super Bowl

Protect yourself with a picture of Gritty and cleanse with a Wawa hoagie

Satire Rituals
10242018_EaglesFullMoon PhillyVoice illustration/Moon photo by Rachel Kramer via Flickr Creative Commons


There are number of people who use the full moon to set an intention or perform a spell.

Even if you don’t believe in magic, there are so many awesome things you can ask for right now, like, prosperity, love, and, oh, we don’t know, sending the Eagles back to the Super Bowl?

We still believe in the players and Coach Pederson, of course, but what’s the harm in conducting a little ritual to up our chances of getting this season on a winning track? The time is now, as tonight’s full moon is in Taurus, a sign of stability and practicality, and with the Eagles' record at 3-4 right now, we could definitely use a little more stability. So gather ye round, witches. It’s time to get a little crafty.

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There are a few elements to this ritual, and the first thing is you must build an altar. We’re not talking about literally building a wooden altar. Just find a place by a window or a table or even a steaming Philly sewer vent (even better if it has that weird smell that always seems to catch you off guard.)

Once you’ve picked a space, your altar must include the right elements to welcome in the magic properly. This includes:

• One Philly cheesesteak, as an offering to your ancestors. (Make sure the cheesesteak is from a place they approve of – if you get Pat’s when they like Geno's, the whole thing will backfire!)

• A picture of Ben Franklin

• Gritty, as a doll or a picture, for protection. (It will ward off evil spirits and instill fear into the hearts of outsiders.)

• An Eagles jersey (which you can wear or place on the altar)

• One or two candles

• Pictures of other Philly gods and goddesses you want to honor: Dr. J, Grace Kelly, Jason Kelce in his Mummers garb, Will Smith, etc.

After your altar is set, you must cleanse your space with a Wawa hoagie, light your candle(s) and prepare to give your intention to Philly gods, goddesses and ancestors. Your intention can be as specific (or as broad) as you want it to be. Keep in mind, though, the more specific the better.

If it would help to center your intention, may we recommend playing The Roots, Boys II Men, or if punk’s more your thing, The Dead Milkmen.

Once your intention is set, gaze into the candle’s flame and repeat it in your mind or out loud. Follow the intention by singing the “No One Likes Us” chant.

End the ritual by thanking the gods, goddesses and ancestors who have blessed your intention. Blow out the candle and cleanse your space once more with the hoagie. This signals the ritual is complete. Blessed be, Eagles fans.

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