July 25, 2017
Two alleged poop smearers have been terrorizing Lehigh Valley store bathrooms.
In a news release Monday, the Colonial Regional Police Department said Mykel J. Bauman, 19, of Palmerton, and Zachary J. Anthony, 20, of Walnutport, had been arrested for reportedly spreading fecal matter throughout "the entire restroom" at the Wegmans in Lower Nazareth Township.
On June 30, the two were the only ones who entered the bathroom shortly after it was cleaned around 2 a.m. and the poop was found by employees shortly thereafter, police said.
Most notably, though, this allegedly is only one of multiple alleged incidents by the duo. Per the news release:
Through the course of the investigation, officers learned that this is not the first time that both males have spread fecal matter throughout various store bathrooms.
Having worked as janitor during high school, my sympathies go out to any poor store employee who had to literally clean s*** off the wall of the bathroom because of these two punks – they have been charged with disorderly conduct and criminal mischief. That being said, they do require some sort of criminal nickname, à la the Swiss Cheese Pervert.
• The Bowel Movement Bandits
• The Crappy Capers
• The Fecal Fiends
• The Deficating Delinquents
Please send other nickname ideas to: email@example.com.