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August 10, 2017

Your official NFL preseason football drinking game

NFL Drinking
Eagles Alcohol Drinking Mel Evans/AP

Philadelphia Eagles fans tailgate near a pile of empty drink cans before an NFL football game against the Denver Broncos, Sunday, Dec. 27, 2009, in Philadelphia.

NFL preseason football is very bad, no good, unwatchable football. 

Coaches are predictable and boring, hoping not to giveaway anything for when the regular season starts. The starters usually come out by the end of the first quarter. The games offer fans nothing more than an opportunity to watch in horror as a star player gets injured and then overreact on sports radio phone lines.

I'll be watching Thursday night's Eagles/Packers matchup only because I need something else after months of a bad Phillies team, the fantasy of LeBron joining the Sixers and the Flyers' new prospect getting an infection on his gosh darn face.

I, like most of you, will also be equipped with alcohol, because there are few other ways to enjoy bad football. (A family member being a player with hopes of making the roster, for example, is another way.) Here is a drinking game that will make enduring a very bad NFL preseason game actually fun:

Sip — Announcer doesn't know the name of a player, mispronounces it or has to correct himself

Sip — Announcer tries to justify the importance of preseason football

Sip — Announcer describes underdog story of player trying to make the roster

Sip — Announcer mentions a "position battle"

Finish your drink — Anyone mentions CTE, brain injuries or any of the underlying and inherently unhealthy elements of playing football

Chug - Someone other than a quarterback throws a forward pass

Finish your drink - A quarterback catches a pass

Sip — A Kicker or punter does anything other than kick or punt (tackle, run with the ball, etc.)

Sip — A starter is injured

Take a shot — A starter is injured so bad he has to be carted off the field

Sip – They pan to the starters joking around on the sidelines after being taken out

Sip — You find yourself cheering, but genuinely not sarcastically

Chug — Undrafted free agent scores a touchdown

Take a shot — Rookie quarterback throws an interception on his first pass attempt

Sip — Camera pans to a fan who is looking at his/her phone instead of the game

Chug — Camera pans to a fan sleeping

Wake them up and make them shotgun a beer — Someone you're watching the game with falls asleep

For heaven's sake just go to bed, it's the preseason after all — You fall asleep