November 20, 2018

Reynolds suggests millennial Thanksgiving turkey recipes, and we say no thanks

Enter the glitter turkey, the flavor-blasted turkey, and the Mountain Dew brine

By Emily Rolen
PhillyVoice Staff

Photo courtesy/Reynolds

Reynolds suggested some innovative turkey recipes this year, like the "Flavor Blasted Turkeys."

Turkey eaters have experimented with Thanksgiving recipes for years.

We slow cook, instant pot, deep fry, oven bake, and microwave (just kidding).

The tradition of Thanksgiving is predicated on a fabricated historical narrative anyway, so you have permission to experiment with flavors and rubs on your turkey during the holidays.

But this ... this we cannot allow.

Reynolds decided millennials were being duped out of Thanksgiving by not giving them a turkey that represented who they truly are — like PC culture, complaining at work, not buying real estate, and destroying age-old food traditions forever (including Thanksgiving itself).

So, ahead of this year's holiday the company released a few "creative" and "unique" recipes to "Make your Thanksgiving turkey the coolest on Instagram" that may or may not involve a quick trip to the craft store.

THE FLAVOR-BLASTED

First, Reynolds suggests a "Hot Turkey," which seems harmless in its name. But little did you know this turkey calls for "hot puffed cheese sticks" to be crushed and rolled onto the skin. Oh, and use those leftovers for garnish.

Next up is "Ranch Flavored," which calls for "ranch-flavored corn chips," (so, Doritos) to be crushed and coated on with butter.

Prefer an off-brand, underground taste? They suggest the "Onion Flavored," which, yep you guessed it, involves some sort of "onion-flavored ring" chip to be pulverized in a food processor and coated onto the animal carcass.

THE ACIDIC BRINE

Flavor-blasted sound too salty for your dinner table? Let's move on to the "Mountain Dew Brine." This one asks that you let the turkey sit overnight in Mountain Dew, salt, and water. Healthy!

THE SHINY AND COMPLICATED

My personal favorite. The millennial "Glitter Turkey" is made by adding something called Gum-Tex powder, food coloring, and liquid pearl sheen.

I'll leave the how-to video that walks you through the recipe below, but I'd like to point out a few things about this recipe specifically.

First, Gum-Tex powder is what makes fondant and gumpaste elastic and strong. Despite its name, it is edible. The recipe instructs you to mix the powder with water and boil, add food coloring, then spread the paste-like substance onto foil and let it harden before you bake for 30 minutes. After that, break the monstrosity up into pieces and put it into a coffee grinder.

Then can you only sprinkle this onto the turkey.

Oh, but the recipe recommends making 12 to 16 individual batches of this to cover a 16-pound turkey. THEN you can prepare the actual food.

Whoever says millennials are lazy has never seen this recipe.