March 13, 2019
After Colton finally jumped the fence, the live, two-night series finale picked right back up as the search committee assembled to find the rogue virgin bachelor in the woods of Portugal.
Colton is gone. Vanished. He ripped off his microphone and the show broke the fourth wall in order to find him. Chris Harrison was running and making fake phone calls with a million different cell phones (how many burner phones can one have?). Producers, cameramen, audio technicians and assistants broke up into teams to find Colton after he pulled his best Usain Bolt impression, and ran far, far away. Was this an episode of “The Bachelor” or “Cops” meets “The Blair Witch Project”?
After searching the woods, under cement walls, streets, asking random people if they’ve seen a virgin man-child running rampant (all at 11:40 pm by the way) Colton has been located. Clearly distraught, Colton tells Chris that he is done with the show. Unfortunately, that’s not how this works.
The next morning Chris and Colton have a little man chat. Like two frat bros after an epic keg party, Chris tells Colton, “last night was wild.” Colton says that Cassie shut off his heart and that he can’t go on dating Tayshia and Hannah G. Like only Chris Harrison can do, he asks Colton, “what if the bottom line is Cassie’s just not that into you?” Colton tells Chris he is pretty good at reading people, and he knows Cassie loves him. Timeout. Colton is good at reading people? What about his epic meltdown over Becca on “Bachelor in Paradise?” What about his heartbreak with Tia? Pump the breaks there, champ.
It’s now time for Colton to breakup with Tayshia (breakup number one of the day). Colton goes to her hotel room, and in true Colton fashion, he is convulsing from the start. We can even hear his heart beating. He asks to talk to Tayshia outside (because there are no cameras in her room) and wastes no time telling Tayshia that she is incredible, but he’s in love with Cassie. Ouch.
Tayshia immediately asks Colton if they can talk in her room, with no cameras. She must have really not read her contract. Camera-less, the two continue their ASMR conversation in the room, but they were still mic’d up, so America got to hear (read the subtitles) of the entire talk. Tayshia turned into a guidance counselor and starts comforting the crying virgin. Colton could not have gotten out of there fast enough, and quickly jumps ship (or fence). Tayshia didn’t even pack her suitcase, grabbed her purse, and got right into the car to go to the airport.
Since this was a live finale with a studio audience in Los Angeles, the episode returns from the commercial break with Tayshia in the hot seat with Chris Harrison. Tayshia tells Chris Harrison they experienced a lot of firsts together (can this show make any more virgin sexual innuendos?) and that she knew it was over right when she opened her hotel door for Colton. Chris then tells Tayshia that Colton is in the studio, and he joins her on the hot seat.
In their first conversation since the breakup in Portugal, which filmed in early November, Tayshia asked Colton what was missing. Colton, sporting a skater boy new hair style, assured her it was not her, but rather he was completely in love with Cassie, and he couldn’t continue dating Tayshia feeling that way.
The episode then flips back to Portugal where Colton now had to go breakup with Hannah G. After many in Bachelor Nation were wondering if they should file a missing persons report for Hannah G. because she hasn’t been on an episode in what seemed like weeks, Colton knocked on her hotel room door.
Hannah, sitting there writing in her journal turned burn book, answered the door all naive and excited to see Colton. Colton asked to talk to Hannah on the couch. Colton, once again convulsing, starts reciting what could only be read in a Hallmark greeting card to Hannah.
Colton wastes no time and tells Hannah that he is in love with Cassie. She was truly blindsided and let Colton have it. Hannah tells Colton how angry she is, and for some reason, Colton responded by saying "I thought it would be you." Interesting.
After Colton tells Hannah, “you make me better” Hannah had all of Bachelor Nation on their feet by responding, “that’s what I do, I make everyone better and they don’t want to stick around.” Colton tells Hannah he isn’t sure if he is making the right decision, which is nice considering once this breakup is complete, there will be zero contestants left on the show. Colton has had enough, and exits the room. But then he dramatically stops in the hallway and puts on an incredible crying fit, only to be comforted by a producer. Hannah gets in her car and doesn’t want to talk about the breakup.
It’s now time for Hannah’s hot seat in front of the live audience with Chris Harrison. Hannah tells Chris she really thought it would be her at the end, that she truly loved Colton and that she even kept the first impression rose from night one as a reminder. She also says that watching the season back only left her more confused, and that she would like to talk to Colton.
Colton comes out and Hannah lets him have it. After a very cold embrace of a hug, Hannah tells Colton, “what Cassie did to you, is exactly what you did to me.” Colton so elegantly tells Hannah he didn’t want her to be his backup plan (how nice!) and that he never considered going on the fantasy suite date with her because his heart was fully with Cassie. Hannah’s parting dagger to Colton was that it hurt her so much when she saw Colton tell Cassie that he only thought of Cassie when he was with other girls. Hannah leaves on a high note saying she wants someone that will jump a fence for her. Burn!
As the first night of the two-night finale concludes, some former Bachelor Nation contestants join Chris Harrison for a live conversation. Jason, Garrett, Blake and Ben Higgins all raised their hands for what can only be viewed as a time-filler segment. Ben, being a former lead on the show, offers unsolicited advice for Colton, and Jason and Blake sympathize with Tayshia and Hannah given they have been in their shoes. This was especially awkward considering they were sitting next to Garrett, who “won” Becca’s season. While this scene really didn’t add much to the episode, I’m sure the ladies of Bachelor Nation didn’t mind the eye candy (as supported by the strong suggestive live tweeting).
Night one of the finale ends with what looks like Colton going to Cassie’s hotel room to “fight for her.”
Night two of the finale begins with an Oscar-winning performance from Cassie. From the moment Colton appeared at her door, Cassie put on her best Scarlett Johansson as this conversation couldn’t have come as any less than a surprise for her. Why? Historically, “The Bachelor” wastes no time in sending contestants home (or starts that process) ASAP once they are eliminated. Cassie on the other hand stayed in Portugal for an entire day after she was eliminated.
During the conversation, something was off from the beginning. And this did not go unnoticed by Bachelor Nation. There was very little raw emotion that we saw during the Tayshia and Hannah G conversations that allegedly happened a mere hours prior. Many were quick to question if there were conversations or days that passed, and subsequently unaired, where Colton and Cassie were able to talk out their situation.
The virgin jokes continued as Colton tells Cassie, “I don’t want to tell you I love you, I want to show you.” Cassie gets a good laugh when Colton tells her that he jumped an eight-foot fence for her. As with the natural next step in any relationship after one individual dumps another, and then another goes on an out-of-body experience, Colton asks Cassie if she wants to fly to Spain to meet his family. You mean a free trip to Spain, and a chance to lock in that FabFitFun money? Of course that answer is yes.
The meeting of the Underwood’s was more awkward than what it would be like to meet Claire and Francis Underwood. Colton tries to break the ice with his family, who thinks they are meeting the final two ladies, by starting out the conversation saying he’s no longer a virgin. I’m sure this was music to his mother’s ears. Colton then drops the bomb that they are only meeting one lucky lady, who ironically doesn’t love him back.
The episode then begins a very slippery and utterly boring downturn when Colton and Cassie go on a random date with each other. Remember “The Bachelor” has a 12-episode contract with ABC so they had to capture some content in Spain, so why not pretend it’s episode three and go repelling down a cliff? If there’s any silver lining from this date, it’s that we finally learn why Cassie has reservations about jumping in a relationship, as she felt trapped in her last relationship. Colton then becomes a used car salesman and starts putting the full court press on Cassie proclaiming why she should date him.
The two then finally get to experience the fantasy suite date they never had. Rocking an incredibly high slit dress, Cassie and Colton try to be all suave and tell all the staff they needed to scram. However, they forgot they were still mic’d up and the crew had to come back to de-mic them. We are graced with one last Colton showering scene when the two wake up in the morning, and Cassie informs America that her calf was still hurting. What in the world were these two doing all night? I’ll let you be the judge, but it’s safe to say our precious virgin bachelor is not in the running to star in the sequel of “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.”
As with night one of the finale, night two featured the live hot seat in Los Angeles. Night two’s cast of former Bachelor Nation characters featured Jason, Ben Higgins, Chris, Sydney, Oneyka and Demi. In a shock to absolutely no one, Demi makes the first sexual joke stating, “I hope Cassie jumps on Colton like a Portuguese fence.” Real classy.
It’s finally turn for Colton and Cassie to join the hot seat. After an absolutely wild season, this would be the first time the two would make a public appearance (except for that time Colton was seen working out with Cassie’s sister’s boyfriend). The two let America know how in love they are, that Colton moved to Los Angeles (but they aren’t living together) and that they are in a committed relationship, but not engaged. When Colton is asked what’s holding them back from an engagement, Colton awkwardly says, “her dad.” This is funny because given Mr. Randolph’s role this season, it is absolutely true.
And when directly asked if he was still a virgin, Colton declined to answer, prompting the audience to groan with either disappointment or annoyance.
In hands-down one of the worst, most awkward scenes in the show’s history, Colton and Cassie get to dance to a live performance by the rock duo “Air Supply,” who have to be combined no less than 200 years-old.
With this season of “The Bachelor” finally wrapped, there was one last announcement to make on night two of the finale; who is going to be “The Bachelorette?” Sticking with tradition, the powers that be decided to go with a contestant from Colton’s season. That lucky lady is Hannah B.
Hannah B. gets to meet five of her lucky suitors right away. After being unable to form one solid thought or sentence, she finally meets Luke, Dustin, Cam, Connor and Luke S. All were pretty much duds, but Cam had a solid free-style rap, which enticed Hannah B. to give him a rose right then and there, and Luke S. made a horrible sexual joke, but is also the doppelganger of former bachelor Nick Viall.
“The Bachelorette” begins filming this weekend, and episode one will air May 13.
After a season of 1,000 virgin jokes, a 12-week hype job of Colton jumping a fence and iconic pettiness among the cast, Colton’s season of “The Bachelor” is all but history.
We will have one more final show recap this weekend, where we will look back at this season, the ratings, how social media is impacting the show and some prediction’s for “The Bachelorette.”
* Hannah B. was spotted shooting footage for “The Bachelorette” at her alma mater, The University of Alabama this past weekend. She was actually denied from filming in her former sorority, but filmed all over campus and in the school’s iconic football stadium. Look for that footage to be used in promos leading up to episode one on May 13.
Eddie Ravert is the host of the iTunes Top 75 Bachelor Nation podcast "Rose Buds: The Most Dramatic Podcast Ever," where he and Lynn, his sister and co-host, interview past and present contestants.
You can catch their weekly podcast episodes on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow @RoseBudsPodcast on Instagram for behind the scenes look into each episode. You can follow Eddie on Twitter @eddie_rage.